10 Days of Rain

 The sun is out after what feels like a week of rain. Romantic days that have passed by without a minute of boredom. Reggaton  is playing, everyone is outside in the garden, relaxing, eating, drinking under the apple trees. It’s become quiet. Only the five of us left; cooking staff, my love, L and me. 

 Lunch time. I’m not hungry. So much amazing food in the last days, matching the amount of exercise as well as hangout time. Finally going outside, taking a cold shower in the waterfall again, making me tired and relaxed. It feels like only the core of the family’s left. My treasure and biggest gift from India is smiling at me: „Do you want to drink some rum tonight?“. I’m laughing. Only minutes before on our walk back, we were dreaming about some little rave in the jungle, philosophizing about how and where to get alcohol. „We need to send someone“ I had said. Apparently the universe was listening once again. 

 We spent the evening having some glasses of rum. The guys are excited. The evening is chilled, my tiredness taking me over. Hindi music is playing. He looks at me: „your face and eyes, perfect“ he says. I smile. I receive love from all everyone and everywhere: 

„Lina you live in my heart. I love you ❤️“

„Lina I thought about you a lot today. I miss you.“

 „Come to Rishikesh, you’re welcome here any time. I want to do Acroyoga with you. I wish to make the best coffee for you. Would like to wake you up with a hug and a cup of cappuccino in the morning“.

The day seemed grey when I woke up and lightened up so bright in only minutes receiving all this kind love. I have a new short term destination. Finally meeting the person who provided me the safe space. This place that I’ve found new friends, loves, a love, a family, a home. For a long time. Before leaving this country I may as well touch the holy place to complete my heart, my dream. New doors are opening up widely, old loves returning, closing yet another circle for me. 

 My love coming to kiss me on my cheek. He has given me so much, in so many ways even some needs remain unfulfilled, did he fill my heart with love, peace and kindness. Learning so much about staying calm, humble and nonjudgmental. 

 „You’re not less than a mermaid, strong like a rock and soft like a sponge“ my interconnected stranger writes. „I felt you since I’ve seen your eyes“. I can’t describe really what I’m feeling reading these messages. „To know someone you don’t need to meet them. Hugs for you my Angel. You’re on the right way of life, trust me your Future is great ahead“. All the right words to catch a sensitive heart like mine. 

The day is long and short at the same time. It feels like my time here is naturally coming to an end to move forward, take my learnings with me and move on to the next place, seeing someone I’ve been wanting to meet in person. 

 Love flowing into the day from all sides when my dad is calling, a rare occasion, wanting to see how I’ve been doing, checking up on me, followed by my oldest friend. At the same time I receive a message. J has to rescue friends from an accident, nevertheless sending me a surprise through our lovely kitchen chef. When he arrives, he comes up to the balcony: „Lina Mam, this is from J, he told me to bring you this and an apple fizz“. He puts down a delicious dulce de leche chocolate cake in front of me. I don’t believe it. For weeks I won’t stop complaining how much I want a bakery, some pastries, cake, a nougat croissants. And there out of nowhere right into the middle of nowhere, on to the balcony comes flying the most delicious treat. I know why I feel so much love for that man even when our communication fails to work at times. Even when on some levels we don’t find each other, his heart and care for me is undeniable. 

 Yesterday still cuddling, as always he would hug me so tight like he was scared of losing me, I ask him: „what will you do without me?“ as he looks at me and says: „I was literally just thinking exactly the same thing. I don’t know“. His heart is so soft that even at many times I feel he’s missing the sense of humor or lightness when in other moments that I feel upset, angry or irritated where I need a serious reaction he would just smile or laugh. Maybe out of insecurity, out of protection, not knowing how to respond. His communication in respect to feelings often irritating me. 

 With him I learn so much to accept a person for who they are, no matter where they stand in life or how different the communication, as long as there is a sincere motivation and openness to understanding the other person and evolve. This relationship may have not brought me all the satisfaction I’ve been looking for but it has brought another wonderful human being into my life that I wouldn’t wanna miss anymore. Someone who’s taught me acceptance, self-worth, openness, kindness, altruism and humbleness. Someone who’s taken care of me for however best he knew at all times. Someone who’s asked questions, bravely opened up to me, knowing it could hurt. Giving me a chance to touch his heart. Waking up this morning, agitated, maybe still disappointed, although nothing unexpected had happened, trying to build myself a calm space to not confront him in a way that would hurt him, the universe didn’t even provide that space. Took him away from me instead. For a whole day and night, my first night alone after a long time while he’s taking care of his crashed friends in the middle of the night. No occasion to talk, instead giving me time for myself, giving new opportunities and let go of these wonderful three weeks (with him) in ease, reflecting on what is, what was and what we have. 

 Not to mention my favorite of the house, the always kind, smily, food soul of the house who would care for us from early morning until late night until no soul is thirsty or hungry anymore. Caring more than a mother for their children. 

 „Mam, do you want more? Why not? Mam, no you need to eat at least one Lina Mam. Lina Mam You’re my lovely, you know. Really. You can have whatever you want. Are you sure you have everything? If you need anything you know where we are. Please Lina Mam, don’t say thank you. That’s my duty. Did you eat enough? Are you not hungry? Do you want Ginger Honey Lemon? Lina Mam I’m so so sorry, so very sorry, really I paid and then I forgot the cigarettes in the shop. I’m so sorry. Please take mine.“ Never ending words of kindness. This house always filled with good souls, all slowly leaving, down to only the five of us including our kitchen staff. It truly feels like a family. A place  I always wanna return to. A place where I can be at peace, where people care. For me. And for everyone else. 

 The sun came back for the last days. I feel things coming to an end. Less and less people, I’m alone. J is on his way back, I’m still not sure what to say to him. I tell him not to call me „babe“, it has from the first time not felt right the way I perceive him and us. 

 Returning to the village we hug, he stops, turns around to kiss me and hold me. „I missed you.“ I think I missed him too. Going into the waterfall once again, this time together with him, to refresh after his unexpected 24 hour excursion, I’m looking forward to spend the last two days with him. He’s brought me chocolate croissants and cider. Every time he leaves, he brings me treats. This pure heart that never wants to hurt me. 

 When we return, I open the bottle and ask if we could talk. He’s happy about it. I’m not sure what to say as it is our last days and I don’t feel it would do any good in opening up the same topics again before leaving when I truly only want to enjoy my last days with him. He sees me stumbling and takes over initially. I appreciate it so much. He’s all there, with me. He starts talking about himself, how they’ve created this place, the struggles, the fights in his life, the things he’s been through, drugs, women, accidents, how he found peace in yoga and meditation and how he’s not been so close to a person in 10 years. „You’re so pure. I did not let anyone near me as close as you are, allow myself to get attached. You’re so beautiful.“ He will mention how he realized when he was away, how much he will miss me and that he’s already sad. I tell him that I love him. I truly do. He returns it. I feel so close to him once again and thank the universe for giving us space to not tap into the same discussions again but instead dissolving them, becoming as close as it gets, being with each other, seeing the other one, appreciating them, caring for them. Entangled closely once again, physically and mentally feeling such gratitude for finding such a beautiful soul in my life, for giving me his all, his all attention, kindness, selflessness, self-worth, care and love from the first moment I arrived. 

 Crystal happiness, clarity, deep intimate connection when I look into his eyes, wanting to touch his skin, lie in his arms and be. Feel how he’s pulling me into him, seeing the sparkle in his eyes, I get deeply lost, feeling protected, full of trust that this beautiful soul could never do harm to me. So sensitive, so deep and pure always caring about my happiness, only. „I don’t want people I care about to be sad, especially you I want to be happy, you’re my love“. I feel the truth. His truth. Becoming my truth. Like I finally stepped over into his world as he stepped into mine, in the most selfless attempt of seeing me, to be able to care for me. I was arrogant at times, looking over him, finally feeling a settling consensus in both our hearts, only feeling love and appreciation for the other person’s being. 

 My last day, grey, tired, happy with the next person awaiting me. I feel calm, in the right place, so full of gratitude for all the people who’ve given me a new home, who’ve taken care of my heart and my physical well-being at all times that words are not enough to express how it has been healing me, teaching me, given me peace in my soul. 

 Every time he returns, sinking into my arms a little bit deeper, looking farther beyond my eyes, piercing into my soul. „I will really miss you. Please come back fast“. I didn’t think I could fall harder for him. I didn’t think I would feel more intimate with him over the last weeks, detaching myself from anything beyond a friendship connection in belief we couldn’t be closer than that extracting the physical aspect. Apparently I was wrong. Opening up to me with such courage, letting down his armor, for me, exposing himself to me, his heart, stripping naked in front of me, revealing his soul, his mind, his all being, humbling me to tears. Save your tears for another day it is sounding in my ears while writing this. 

 Returning all the trust to me that I’ve been giving out over the weeks, months, maybe my life. A person returning to me what I’ve been giving, understanding the WHY. For me. Only for me, without losing himself, respecting who he is, moving towards me shining light into my heart, taking care of my needs. 

 Who is now protecting themselves? I’m not sure anymore. All the source of this respectful relationship that has grown day by day is his open heart, ears, his kindness, listening to my heart, not my words, recognizing what I truly feel, reflecting me what he is capable of giving and what not. 

 These last romantic hours of more eye gazing, rolling on the floor and words of missing each other is what occupies us for our last day together. The music guiding our emotions. 

 With each moment I realize more how difficult it will be to leave, also for me. In the time I needed distance, he disappeared and when he came back, I wanted to stay. But while he was gone his brother already found his way through to me. I had made the decision to leave for better or worse. 

 When I go I will maybe understand that truly here was the biggest treasure of my journey.  Chasing after my curiosity though shows me always where I need to be, what I still have to discover to be at peace with what I already have. In between getting served for the last times, various delicious meals and desert. It’s hard to find places like this. 

 „You love everything. It’s good, maybe I need to learn this“ he said yesterday. „I love your free spirit, you’re beautiful. I wish we would have met. Until we meet I can only admire your beauty. Don’t let anyone stop you from being the goddess that you are“, another one said today. 

 Still challenging me, testing me from all sides with different men declaring their attraction or interest towards me. 

Sometimes I ask myself why all this attention is even of interest for me. People that I’ve never met paying me their attention, still flattering me for … what reason? Am I still trying to be loved by everyone? Still not being enough for myself? Putting expectations and standards of perfection, of performance, achievements, looks or relationships? Do I still not love myself fiercely enough to not need attention from the outside but rather strive in my own dreams, life and being?

But then I look into his eyes, I see the sparkle, I feel the intimacy, the warmth, comfort and trust, then I know this is true and everything else is distraction. Distraction from what really matters. Nevertheless no matter how I feel, my time has come. Three weeks in this place of love, recovering me, teaching me with the greatest kindness in care, rebuilding my strength for the oh sometimes so cold outside world.

 As I’m looking at the clouds and the thick fog moving across the mountains, I already miss this place, feeling sad. Only minutes later I get the info that my bus got canceled. I take it as it is. Im not unhappy. I felt it. Not the time to go for me. A little more protection from the outside world. 

 „You’re my treasure“ I say to him, when we’re lying in each other’s arms, going to sleep. „How did I become a treasure“ he’s asking me. He makes my heart smile. He’s taught me that I’m enough with whatever I bring into this world. 

 Maybe the universe sent me the message, I understood to stay with what has served me for the last three weeks. Enjoying more days of rain.