The Blue in Your Eyes attracting your Tribe

 „Mam how did you like the lunch Mam?“. I smile. Even after almost four weeks I cannot get used to this kindness. I smile. „Do you have a banana?“. He smiles and points me the hanging bananas. „How many do you want Mam? No one is not enough. You have to at least take two.“

Second last day before I’m leaving this place for the first time, what’s been one curing month of learning and growing. A month trying to teach me that I’m always cared for in whatever need I may have, four weeks giving me protection, dedication and authentic selfless love. The last days given to me to look straight into my own mirror, my mind, my thoughts, my behavior, my patterns, my judgement. 

Washing my clothes in the garden in the short period of sun, it takes only one minute before my love and humble teacher, appears next to me: „Do you need help?“. Every time he would come when he sees me doing my laundry, even working hard, on building the new two story yoga shed. I smile at him, I hug and kiss him and ask him how I deserve this. He’s holding me close returning the question. - Writing this one of our lovely kitchen chefs bringing me Paneer Paratha, the best chutney in the world and my most favorite chili paneer. Chili paneer I had told my love two days ago, my favorite if they could make it again before I leave. - 

Spending my last days more drawn into myself, fighting different emotions, my mind trying to find a way to trouble me, I’m doing my best to bring it back home, mirroring my time here, all this selfless giving, receiving unconditionally, bringing my focus on to the outside to what truly is, instead of attaching to what else could be, my heart shifting, tears of annoyance of myself, of having to leave a place that feels like home; running down my face, trying to hide what I genuinely feel, protecting myself. Isn’t it easier to leave, finding something bothering? I feel shame for myself when after their long hours of work that I’ve spent in my own troubled mind, my beloved friends around me - the dawn slowly coming over the woods, bringing darkness - gathering their focus around what I shall eat at night. Running up and down the stairs, I slowly feel the energy evolving for me, a familiar smell touching my nose from the kitchen, slowly arising a thought of what’s about to come. My favorite dish. Only because I’ve mentioned it once to my love, all put into action for me. Again. For me. A bigger wave of shame, modesty and humbleness overcoming me. A blend of feelings, learnings that are still yet to be practiced, crawling through me when two plates of the spicy hot dish are placed in front of me, alongside my love. 

I wasn’t supposed to enjoy this alone. They’ve brought it all together for me, with their genuine smiles, throughout all the hard work, all their dedication and sweat put in it, while creating a new place of love, joy and connection for others, building it day by day with their own hands, their physical hard work, their all heart. 

Swimming in such a pool of privilege, protection and freedom, I can hardly grasp what they are and have been living through all their lives with a smile, in joy and true bliss, accepting, celebrating what they have, creating their most beautiful dream, have they deeply understood what they’re here for, while I’m still running. Walking sometimes, still moving. 

Laying on a rock waiting for a new person on my last day. A person who enhanced my feelings of healing and modesty. 

Has he written me in the morning, sitting next to my love, sending words of poetry, so smooth, so clever, verbally elaborated in a way that doesn’t fail to rise my curiosity. He’s hit my nerve. 

J sees the messages, agrees and says he could learn from him, being a pro. „Just imagine this would be my words“. 

[…] I don't know what am I certain of even. 

But you looked surely happy and healing with your smile and eyes. […] Your smile resonates it around you. 

It's intresting how the feminine energy works at his finest yet with calmness idk. The closure here for the today evening maybe got me and words were the only thing you left me with🐼. The eye for details was smth I feel now I was born with and only expression of justice to me for that was to write. 

You are so modest Miss may🌼

I just tried to reflect back what i felt in a moment 🦋. I was wondering that might be i got piled up somewhere in your DM. 

From your last evening mademoiselle

With all due respect, is it possible for a tea/coffe time?

With a smile he goes back to work, leaving me with a poet, determined to meet me. Again he’s decided to spend my last day being here, working, not with me. Seeing him walking away again without further notice, makes it easy for me to agree to the meeting. He’s put it right in front of me. No even more. Pushed me to meeting this young man from the same forest.

His poetic words, humbly asking me to have a gaze into my eyes, see my face and talk. The universe screaming HEAVEN YES when I see him walking away from me, not to return to me or interact with me for the next hours. A leap of faith, a divine chance, destiny, I was meant to go. 

After spending the last hours of the day before together, talking about children, our future, how much we appreciate each other and wanting to go on a hike together, he again decided for house building instead. I’ve told him how I feel and that it’s his decision how to spend his time, that only I want him to be happy. As I do too. 

Happily excited for my new experience and slightly disappointed by my love‘s decision, I look at him when I leave our place, saying bye, no questions asked. Not now, not later. This scenario placing itself perfectly timed into my day, my world. 

I wonder still between all this love he’s expressing towards me, doing all everything for me, why in other ways he seems so far away at times. 

Yes once again I had to take a dip in the beautiful waters of nature, climbing up and down the rocks, waiting for him to show up. Half an hour has passed and I wonder what could have possibly happened on a ten minute path that he hasn’t showed yet. Was it such a big misunderstanding where to meet? To see my „gracious eyes“?!  [yes it was. More than one waterfall in the fairy forest]. 

„You get more beautiful day by day“. A message from another not forgotten love from another place. 

It’s night. Eight. My eight. I’ve had dinner just in time, I’m with my long term companion and my heart is scattered. Positively, however this can be felt or understood, not by me anyway. Love overwhelming me from all sides, out of nowhere, confusing my heart, at the same time, settling it. I’m in the right place. My mind is quiet, my heart loud after meeting him. This beautiful, sensitive, open, wise, vulnerable soul who has offered himself to me without asking anything back but instead giving himself to me, to come back to without having gotten to know him for more than two hours - in the physical world. Somewhere else it feels we’ve been connecting, as he’d said before, destiny. He felt me before, he said, sensed me. His words make me melt, feel understood and far away from anything else. He can express what I cannot. He put an effort and took „a leap of faith“ wanting to meet me, to look into my eyes.

Being with you was like flow for soul, it was encounter with magic ✨

You eyes are blessing to me I understand a women's heart. It's a ocean full of depths. We all have stories and secrets. It our story and the secret is what time offers. I respect I just want you to know that. 

Intimacy of your honesty, touch, embrace, the humour, the rawness and I want you to know that I adore you for your vulnerability

The moment of purity and essence couldn't hold me off from embracing (you) last time before you go. A part of me will be always with you in that moment and nobody can take that.  

And a part of yours🦋🌼

Your intuition will guide you just look into someone's eyes with the purity that you posses and don't underestimate it's power as it can rise a man with enchantment, I feel in a bliss I mean. 

 […] the tattoo is ironic to you, feminine divine ✨ I am still in your spell. The feminine divine energy that you are through your expression and genuine authenticity of who you are. […]

His words nothing short as from the first utterance he made towards me, even after meeting when I tell him that I have been here with someone for the reason I needed to go. Our conversations flowing with the sounds of the water, splashing down the rocks, our hearts in the same place, right where they ought to be. 

Returning, my head in the clouds… I hear familiar words „I’m going for a sitting. I will be back in some time“. Today these words cause me nothing but disapproval. My mind is judging again for all the parts that are not compatible with my world, for him not using much communication towards me, making me feel again and again like things don’t matter to him when I know it’s not the truth. These are my daemons, nevertheless existing in my feelings. „I put a soy milk into your bag“, he said and I was wondering if he’s a magician, placing those little gifts for me, bringing me chocolate cookies, when he’s been building a house in the middle of the forest all day, last night slipping a pack of cigarettes into my hands. „I have something for you“. He’s a man of action, I admire, that surprises me every time, humbles me, let’s me change my view on the world. But. It only reaches so far. When every word from a pure soul is touching me so much, makes me feel seen and connected in a much different way. Creating intimacy. Intimacy the most powerful connection between two human beings, making ourselves vulnerable, showing our inner most being in trust. I cannot find the same connection without words. 

Maybe I’m shallow for this, maybe I don’t understand just yet the silent way of communication that can create the same intimacy as I still yearn for being heard. 

Maybe. Just this is how it is. Now. This is how my heart works. It longs to be heard- and seen. And it does so by hearing words of understanding, of attention and an eye detail for my all being. 

Maybe my way of feeling loved and seen is primitive. Maybe it’s childish and meaningless…but at this point I don’t know any better. It brings out my creativity, happiness and joy for life. 

Having the sharp contrast right in front of me, meeting someone who initially wants to meet me, knows all the right things to say, instantaneously building a connection, raising my trust, creating a bond, an understanding establishing intimacy. 

Using our all energy here in the attempt to create an intimacy on different levels, has still only worked out in moments of synchronicity and I finally realize that it could not have been possible for us on the level of communication. Finding clarity in the confrontation with these two very different souls in the same space, one effortlessly bringing out the sparkles in my eyes with his words, the other one with his actions, nevertheless his waves of non-communication confusing me, sometimes walking away from me without further notice, not exchanging any closeness, not sharing anything, just feeling detached and deeply sad for repeatedly feeling ignored. This level of communication does not find a channel to my heart, feeling left and unheard, like I don’t matter at times and at others full of bliss and gratitude for his everlasting selflessness and patience for me and everyone around him. 

Sleeping with a heavy heart in this last night, subtracting myself from his body, waking up to an empty bed, yet he’s nowhere to be seen, not showing himself. I feel how I’ve been working to keep up the spirits, our communication, a connection to build some sort of intimacy, only sometimes still I cannot reach him as also he cannot reach me. I realize that it was not nothing and that we’ve put a lot of energy in that bonding, maybe having gone unnoticed how hard it is for our hearts, praising him and his balance while he calls me his sweet love who’s always saying the right things. 

Every time I hear steps, I feel the balcony moving, hoping it’s him but it isn’t. He’s somewhere, away from me. Like in these teenage years when you fix your attention on this person and they wouldn’t show up. 

Again and again. My mind. Old pain. My pain. Not his. 

The mist is slowly moving away from the mountains as the clouds around my heart. 

He’s coming to sit with me while my divine encounter is putting his soothing words around my soul to make it feel save and understood. 

The rising tides inside of you. Idk how or why but I feel ya like a proton and electron in the void. 🥺 The longings, doubts and confusion. I won't ever forget looking deep into your soul and sense it. I slept at 2 this morning. I did try to really get in your shoes and try to  understand your journey.

Your eyes gave me a glimpse of the world inside you. You are divine and so pure. 

Just flow and that's why I think vipasana would help you further with bringing a clarity. You deserve the love that you carry in your smile and eyes.

You feel like the most sacred sign of growing cosmic world and I feel you so much. 

[…] Primitive and pure. Your heart is alive and just like mine. I believe there is a language older by far and deeper than words. The language of bodies, language if eyes, touches, water on stone, rain on tree. It is the language of dream, gesture and symbols. I sense it with us. 

I want you to fly in these ethernal end endless skies of divine, absurdity, emotions, adventure, love. Without letting these all weakening strength of your wings. And I wish to fly with u someday, oh divine being🍃

With all due respect miss May. You are a sacred 🔥 A layman would might fancy being around cause of the feminine bliss in you. But my Angel, The greater consequences are for the sacred divine in you, don't let this energy be taken for granted. The layman would fancy even being burnt with it. 

I wanna grow with you as I sense I don't wanna loot you for your energies as smth to kill the monotony for life but to synch with yours and share mine to form smth that our eyes gave reflections. 

[…] You are truly a pure light of divine. You shine when you smile. […]

Today I have a deep sound feeling with me here sitting and looking down the stream where we were. And just soaking in all that happened in last 24 hours. I experienced mystic in your eyes and around you i felt like poetry in motion. In my travels I often moved ahead from one place and never wondering what happens to the one who stays there. But then I believe it would be hypothetical of me to analyse anything from past with context to meeting ya, I think it was destiny and I never have claimed that ever. A part of you will always stay in me. I mean that.

This begins a new chapter mademoiselle.  🌻

As I’m reading his words, the sky clearing up, I speak my heart, looking into his deep kind eyes of purity, of insecurity and fear, held by his strong, valuable heart. 

He listens to me, he understands me. As always. Explaining long enough, he’s burying his head on my shoulder, apologizing, „You’re right. I need to learn to communicate. It’s a process. I need your help for this.“ It’s a journey, a back and forth, reconciling in the last hours to complete the circle, make it a full circle. 

The closing circle, manifesting itself in the most fascinating spectacle that nature has to offer. A halo around the sun in all colors of the spectrum of the universe. Some may call it a rainbow, a double circle forming a halo around our source of life itself. The sun, the light, the power of the universe, giving us the exilier for being alive, waking up every day to clear or sins from the day that’s passed. Synchronicity. When angels travel. The halo taking physical shape for what I wanted to create as my second nature. The fairy in the fairy forest. It cannot be a simple thunderstorm I only said a few days ago. It may come in a different form the day I’m leaving. Now I know why, exactly mirroring my cloudy confusion, dissolving into all the colors of the stars, the moon and the earth. Preparing my journey, laying it ahead of me. A journey into a new world, a new part of life. My life. 

I will get upset a few more times before leaving. Sitting together in our last moments „thanks to the universe for this great gift“, I sink my face into his shoulder. This won’t be easy. Minutes later, I first yell at him to then sit on each other’s laps again, hugging each other tightly, tears running down our faces, me feeling sorry again, apologizing, holding on to him like a scared little girl, while he’s caressing my back, ensuring me that there’s nothing to be sorry about. „You’re so lovely. I will miss you so much. No one can replace you.“ 

„I didn’t mean to make you cry“. Not him. 

„Babe, I was crying before because I was so sad you’re leaving, I was just hiding it. These are tears of happiness to have such a wonderful person in my life“. Why do I doubt him so many times? My mixed feelings again overwhelming me. Time to go. For real this time. 

Evaluating if I shall tell my new friend for one last hug… I cannot. Still digesting all my love and pain of leaving, at the same time, so unreal that I’m unable to take in more emotions which I know hugging him would cause. Or as an alternative option I would have to close my heart and that would not do our meeting justice, missing the whole point. 

The entire day marked by a balance that I can only describe as a giant swing, uncontrollable; bearing a wide spectrum of moods, the waves moving up and down like a drunk barrel full of whiskey; showing the same range of colors as the rainbow in the morning. 

After reconciliation follows another of my impatient annoyance excesses, leaving the motorbike, unable to cross the overflowing stream (another metaphor reflecting my emotions), waiting for a friend at the car, not knowing what’s going on, still not moving further within two hours. I start complaining once more about his inability to communicate and that he should have sat me in a bus, already feeling the unfairness while my words bubbling up. Standing there, looking into his eyes, the kindest soul of all, doing his everything always for me, taking me to the bus to not have me go alone; I repeatedly tell him what to do better, how to communicate or how to do things differently. I’m breaking my own heart, unable to channel all my feelings arising inside, having to leave him, this place, my safe space. Fear. 

His selfless, caring kindness, not ending until the last minute. Paying my dinner, buying me cake, bottles of apple cider, ice cream, cookies… „you need cigarettes also. One pack of Oreos?! You need to keep your cash for Delhi“. I try to remember if anyone has ever with such attention, purity and ease, effortlessly on the side, cared for my well-being without ever expecting anything in return. 

I hear myself telling him that he should work on his memory, he’s always forgetting all everything. I’m wrong. Again. He’s been remembering details from the first day, every little thing that I like, sneaking them sugary treats up the balcony to me without himself even being present at times. Cakes, pastries, chocolates, drinks. Sometimes without me having even expressed my desire for them. Reading me. Knowing me. I overlooked it so many times, took it for granted after only minutes had passed, feeling his surrender and pure gift of caring, even thanking me for always being kind and loving to him. 

Our last hours together feel strange, a new feeling. I won’t know how it feels waking up without him. I don’t know how I will feel not seeing the beautiful apple trees anymore every morning, first thing when I wake up. Sitting in the jewelry shop drinking, i don’t feel like leaving. I’m so happy here. At the same time I know space will be healing and my tears are tears of gratitude. I’ve grown so used to him, the place, my tribe, seeing the days coming and going but never ending. Until now. 

My all clouded confusion coming into one consensus that’s been standing out throughout all. Humbleness. Humbleness that I’m still learning to practice, turning into shame when I fail to manage. When I get impatient, when my annoyance turns into anger; towards him while he’s still there with me, taking it but not letting it touch him, as he wisely knows: this is her pain, not mine. Forgiving me before I even manifest my anger, embracing me in love, praising me. 

„Please come back soon. You are my guru. I want to learn from you. You teach me so much I don’t know about. Keep sending me messages. I will wait for you. I miss you. I love you.“ Every word like the most beautiful song in my ears, tears running down my face. Tears of gratitude, love, connection, confusion, longing and the hardship of letting go of people I feel endless love for. Pure love. Love that’s humbling me, love that’s teaching me to be a better person. Love that’s shifting my center of focus from the inside to the outside, to other people‘s hearts and desires. Their being, their feelings, their soul and perspective of life. Stepping out of my limited mind. 

This energy shifting ironically with me into my vehicle of choice, taking me to the next chapter. As I sit down, ready to release my tears, let them flow, the power of your subconscious mind catches my attention. I look at the young man next to me. „Can I take a look?“. „Sure. You can have it. I’ve read it. Are you interested in spirituality? I’ve just started my journey.“ This shall be the beginning of a new connection of two souls that haven’t met in their human shape, entangling all the themes of the last weeks, days and moments before I’ve entered this specific bus to meet this young open mind, confronting me with all the same questions about life. „Can I play a psychology game with you? Close your eyes, I will guide you through it. You’re aura is Blue. This is why you attract all these good people into your life. You have such a soul. You see, you’re that kind of person who’s never getting bored/boring because you have that rational logic mind, answering all the big questions all the time. Your answers make me smile. Because they teach me so much. I don’t know all these things. You should believe when people tell you they want you as a teacher, not as a compliment but because they mean it. Look outside it’s raining now that you’ve left. Incredible. Vipassana will be a Great experience for you. It will help you clear your feelings.“ He’s neither the last, nor the first repeating this to me like a mantra. This seems to be the time. The next step on my journey at the right time. As I’ve prayed for it to The Universe. 

The psychology game has done its trick. On point, my answers reflecting all the truth of who I am and where I stand. „You’re always giving 100% in relationships, all your energy but when it doesn’t work and boundaries are crossed, that’s it. You walk away, draw the line. Your glass is full but you have to pour it yourself. You trust that you have it all, being taken care of, the trust in The Universe but sometimes you still doubt it, having to pour the water yourself.“ Exactly. Wasn’t I trying to push my awareness on that matter again and again over all these weeks, integrating the deep sense of always being cared for? The Fairy forest doing that for me. Maybe this lesson has yet to be kept open for continuation. 

Two pure souls sitting in the same place, sharing their love and wisdom with me, waiting for me to return. Old as new at the same. As the ever changing nature. 

It's raining here now babe. My weather fairy. Missing you. Everyone is wanting you. Driving back home and feeling sad. 

Arriving completely drained inside and out, not entering the process of the change yet, distracted from never ending companionships, I’m laying on this bed in a hotel room that feels like a prison cell after a month of free wilderness. Living outside every day, all day from early morning until darkness- I’ve been here before, in the same yet different place after three months of making an unknown place, a familiar one, yet standing at the very beginning of this journey-

his endless words still flowing to me effortlessly, uninterrupted. 

I want you to express and connect to me with what you are trying to process. 

With openness I will listen, I want you to express without any fear of judgement, obligations. I want you whole if it's me to choose. But would love and respect and you the same even you choose to come in bits and pieces. Hey beautiful, go easy on yourself as well.

And on days it's Human to feel these emotions , vipasana will heal you at both levels

[…] If it's you I would come thousand miles with 100 roses.Coming to reply on phone is cause I love talking to you and phone is just a medium. […]

Both. 

Good morning love 😘 I slept  but not like before as I look for you when I wake up today and I hope you slept good. I missed you when I woke up and see you’re not around. 

It all seems like a far away dream now. A dream I wish Continue to dream.