The Butterfly Effect

Being in my personal prison in transit to move to the next great freedom, he asks me if we could speak. 

 I say yes. I’m not sure I mean it. My mind so full, so chaotic I wouldn’t know what to say. Not to him anyway in this fresh state of getting to know each other, yet feeling like we deeply do; being the source of my overwhelmingly fizzy feelings. 

 On my way to Nepal, almost - he wants to come. „Do you want me to come?“. Do I want him to come? This question is much harder to answer than a phone call which has already been my personal challenge. I sense a familiar feeling. I hold myself back saying either yes or no. Where is this feeling coming from? I will understand the next morning when my heart finally puts all the bits and pieces together. 

 „You cannot ask me that. That’s on you. I’ll leave this to your mind“. I’m laughing but this time I know I mean it. 

 Too much to grasp. I feel like a madwoman. What’s happening? And in what world? From the forest, the waterfall, the beer in my hands on the way to Nepal. 

 I tell him I didn’t have questions. He did. Now I don’t have answers. Soon I will. 

 I guess the universe is still in the flow of synchronization. 

 I tell him he should write a book or I’ll do it for him. He says he wants to write it with me. 

Akhil. I swear if you don’t write a book I will for you and publish it 😅

Together Mademoiselle. I hope in a way you don’t find this more confusing. Thank you for accepting me how I am. 

I embrace the uncertainty and call of my heart. Your acceptance and happiness for real matters. 

Reading this gives me the chills, my heart, tears rising up my eyes. Something is happening, I don’t know what it is. The next morning I will receive another message. „You’re writing is so inspirational, so well written. Please write a book Lina“. Is this what people describe as a „calling“? 

… his voice never stopping to bless me with his words:

You know seeing these clouds moving in one place, raining in another, this feeling is still here. There is this song you may have heard by Elvis Presley. Wise men say that only fools rush in but I can’t help falling in love with you. This is pretty much it. This defines me here. I don’t wanna rush into something you know but I think it’s in the making you know. You have the plan of going somewhere, doing the vipassana and I just have the feeling that this is the window of light you know. It might be the window for the clouds cause  they’ve been around here in the mountains, it’s time for them to rain. But I want you to go to this vipassana with peace in your mind and I just love the freedom that you give me to talk. What I really mean is that I value you for your time that you’re spending inwards holistically and cause and effect, whatever happens in there, in that process I wanted from you to know if you wanted me to come. I know that I’m gonna come right?! But I don’t wanna take anything away from your personal journey cause that matters a lot to me. It makes me feel so good about everything because if it wasn’t for your journey I wouldn’t have seen you right?! For me Miss May what goes on inside of you, matters a lot. And I guess I do sense how maybe just a little pinch of the ocean, a drop of what you are, I want you to feel good after all. Cause what I saw in your eyes, what I hear, what I read, you know it’s been there and for me your individual call means a lot. For me it’s a beautiful dream and I wanna live it [thinking and laughing] yeah I already am I guess. Because for me your eyes are this ever present tale that I don’t need meditation. The tale of two clouds rising up here in this part of Himalayas , carrying stories and magic down the valley to only rain in Himalayas of Pokhara. I understand , support and respect your decision. I adore you like a kid. I dont even know myself how those eyes, addressed the rising emotions inside me. 

Missing you here and you are always in my heart ❤ - My fairy forest love. 

You must have known how I felt. I love you so much my love. - My sweet sunshine Angel

The conversations keep flowing. Naturally, easily as if all the love needs to be spread, connected to accumulate, creating something bigger. Not only for us, for everyone, for the world. The energy flowing so strong, creating something I haven’t felt in a long time. A limitless field of electric energy moving across all borders. Butterfly effect. He’s asking me about it, opening up exactly for it to happen continuously since he’s put it into the world. I ask him if this has to be one specific event that’s creating the here and now or if I cannot create fragments of effects each day that lead me to that open door. With these words opening up the clouds for the light to come in only hours later showing its intrinsic nature to me. 

 The butterfly effect putting all the bits and pieces together from an unlinear/sloping timeline, intrinsically wrong in its nature by meaning, a big ball of strings sloping around, being disentangled by sharing our love throughout the night, opening up the biggest window for the sky to clear up from the clouds, revealing the brightest eyes of the sun, blessing us with her pristine light of clarity. 

  Connection past, present and future from all that we’ve moved in the right moments to understand the here and now. The colors of the auras, the light of the sun and the clouds behind the mountains. I receive messages from other times coloring the picture for me to finally understand its meaning. An understanding that would open up my day, the first tear dripping from my eye with the waking, hearing his voice again, singing a song to my soul. Making this one of the most enlightening mornings the cloudy sky could have wished for.

Laying in bed at night already in tears overwhelmed from the flow of Love, more and more messages are coming, randomly from all places over the world people wanting me to join their travels. In what world is this happening?! I can feel the signs coming for what the morning will bring. 

 I’m the luckiest divine angel on this planet. 

With this feeling, my eyes are finally closing to rest my mind, still receiving his words in my heart, into my dreams. 

I wake up in the morning after I’ve slept for ten hours and my heart is full of love. Still. Uninterrupted. Last night hasn’t stopped the flow from generating love, coming flying to me. 

 I read the messages from my loves, listen to their words and then… just yet when I return from the bathroom, thinking about to tell my love that the way we’re communicating is not helpful in sorting out our hearts, we shall maybe not be in contact on the phone as right now there’s nothing for me to exchange with him, as my heart is slowly trembling for this romantic young man, bringing me to tears multiple times just by listening to his words, waking up to him singing for me, the universe shows me what’s been on my mind minutes before. I was wrong. I didn’t understand. 

Everything in my life has changed for the better since you appeared in my life! I realized that you are the best, and nobody needs me except you. I want to always be with you. I want to look into your eyes, hold you gently, kiss you, and let you know how much you mean to me and it is harder to be without you. You are forever in my ❤. Wish you have great day 🤗

The first time he’s ever expressed his feelings that way, the first time he’s trying to approach me. He’s seen what I wrote. I know. We talk on the phone. I want a clean slate, I want us on the same page. I want our love for each other to be free.

 Reading his words, opening my heart so widely, knowing he sees me, eager to communicate on my channel. Every word we speak is clear this time. No confusion, clear and bright as the sun. „I read your words and they hurt me, I couldn’t sleep, I cried a lot but I knew we can’t be together, it’s not working. I want you to be happy and free and I know it’s me who needs you and I need to learn from you because only you taught me these things that no one has before. And I know the universe opened up that love for you, to meet this guy. It wasn’t you or me or him. It’s just that love flowing to you and I want you to try and to be happy“. 

 His ever selfless nature. I feel all the same way since the beginning. On that page we were clear and never left it. We want to keep each other in our lives. Unconditionally, open for the only purpose of the other person’s happiness. While speaking I realize for the first time what’s been happening. Truly happening inside of me. Finally I can verbalize it when I hear the words coming out of my mouth. „Love do you remember in the beginning when you were asking me at times if I wanted a coffee, chocolate, a blanket, anything really, all the things that you instantaneously identified as my desires, offering them to me all the time?! How I sometimes for a few seconds just looked at you and didn’t say anything. Then making a weird face or movement that meant to express my indecisiveness. I was trying to feel if I truly wanted what you offered or not. For the first time in my life I could consciously feel myself considering without the fear of being rejected. Freely deciding what I wanted, if I wanted it at any moment. You set me free of my fear of doing something wrong, saying something wrong, by expressing my real needs. You gave me the unlimited freedom of being me, completely and fully at all times, accepting me for it.“

 Embracing me for it, praising me for it, making it grow, making me bloom, supporting me in however I felt, making me an unfailing divine angel. I could feel safe around you at all times. No matter if I leave my water bottle in the middle of the night somewhere in the woods, you would go and pick it up. Waking up to a bag of chocolates next to my bed without further note or pastries and cigarettes magically appearing in my hands, coming flying over the balcony. 

Sometimes your lack of words, bringing out your selfless kindness more clearly for me to see. Never showing it off, never asking for anything, never even verbalizing what you’ve been doing for me or at any moment expecting something in return. Pure you, my heart gave your all respect, awareness, attention and love to me unconditionally at all times and only today with another person expressing this unconditional love and care in words, I can understand and see that this is what you have been doing for me. You paved the way for me to receiving unconditional, unspoiled love from everywhere. 

 For the last few days it won’t stop. This gigantic wave of sparkling light that’s been rolling over me, not to be ending. From you, from him, from everywhere in the world. People approaching me to display their love on me. 

 YOU opened that gate. I knew we’ve both done our best but only now the clouds are moving from my mind, opening up the most beautiful pure horizon of bright orange pink red light, like the sun rising at dusk behind the forest trees of the mountains. 

 Only you have opened that door for me to see. You have opened other channels inside of you to receive my love but I needed an extra messenger to transcribe your messages for me into my love language, so I could finally understand, feel the truth, put the pieces of the puzzle together with every single word. 

 I believe reading his words you may have wished for some of them to be yours, showing me in all you are this morning that  you would do anything in your might to learn to speak my language if that is what it takes to build true intimacy beyond the love in our hearts. They are. They are all ours. His, yours, mine, everyone’s. They’ve been the connector between all of our hearts. 

 I’ve felt this energy rising so strongly over the last days but I didn’t know what to make of it, as the clouds of confusion only kept stacking up until this morning when you decided courageously once again to communicate on my channel to make me understand your heart, knowing about all the love coming through all channels, nevertheless making yourself vulnerable. For me. For our love to survive. „It will always be there. It’s a part of us now“. You said. Right so. It’s what my messenger said too. From him I understood, I received the messages because they were in a language I knew. Now I understand them from you too. 

 I have no words for my gratitude, my bliss, my endless love, the light in my heart that you’ve ignited that apparently has been shining so bright that it could reach other worlds too. You, with your endless understanding patience, never needing words from because this was not your language, showed me a way to connect to love from my heart, not my mind, even I needed a translator for it to understand. Forgive me. 

 You in your caring kindness for a whole month, cracking my nutshell up by looking into my eyes in unconditional love calmly, even when all my fire was exploding, burning out of me on you, you set me free to receive. 

You paid all that attention to me that I’ve needed, running around lost in this cold world, my inner child crying for love, wanting the permission to exist, having the right to be myself in whatever way that would be. 

 Who was I? I wouldn’t know did I always hide bits and pieces, deny the parts that would make me „less lovable“, feeling my shadow walking behind myself, not feeling able to turn around and embrace it. 

 But you did. You embraced my shadow without me even taking notice. You embraced it tightly, never wanting to let it go, even when it was trying to escape. Even that part of me, you didn’t want to let go. Even that part you gave your all care by humbling me with your courage and openness to see me, to take me as I am, to take me, of all as your teacher. Not only merely accepting my flaws but bringing them into light as if they were the most beautiful aspects of me. You created the best of me, you made me shine, you made me blossom in all colors, for everyone to see because you did never judge me like I’ve judged myself. You’ve always wanted my all, never only a piece of me because your heart carries the wisdom that love can only be free and unconditional for when you only love parts of someone, you love them at all. 

Have I been wondering throughout these weeks what people saw in me when they left, praising my being, thanking me for what I’ve done for them, it was truly you. You beautiful, purest of all souls, embracing my shadow to make me understand that it’s part of me same as my light, the same worthy of love as my light. Me who you gave your love to fully, wholly and completely. For me to receive it, spread it and make it grow. The biggest gift I could have ever received. That magic that you have in you, to come across everyone in pure love. Sharing it to make this world more beautiful. 

Love is you. You’re writing after the call. Aren’t we always only truly saying the words to ourselves? Yes Love truly is You. 

As it is me because you are me. As I am all YOUs and MEs. 

My weather fairy. It’s raining here, you’re effect is always there. I wanted to tell you I had this feeling, I don’t know where it comes from but the thought was always there that you need to have all the experiences, that’s how we learn everything beautifully, so we can decide wisely later. All things were not just happening, there are some forces, maybe the universe heard you talking all the time. And your pure energy definitely attracts all the energies around. They are not all pure but some are pure that you will find on your journey, so we cannot close this gate. And I hope for the best, I want to see you soon, after the vipassana we should practice together for some time. Maybe we will learn more and yes definitely you are a lovely…lady. You are the love actually. I learned a lot from you also, you’re my guru and I want you to stay in my life. Always. Thank you. I love you. 

Purity. This word connecting all the souls involved in dissolving the clouds of confusion…

~ Good morning sunshine.

I wish you had a nice dream and your first deep breath is full of life.

Do you feel your powerful energy flowing out of you? That's an outstanding one full of purity and goodness.

It is amazing everytime, like the first time, to get to see you now clear and clean. It is common to feel more special than the others, rarely we truly feel that way of another person, you are that rare, just a lot more. You're the rarest diamond there is, i can bet anything on it and i will win easily.

You are the sun. Sometimes it's taken as a given, but if there was no sun there wouldn't be life on earth as we know it. The same goes for you, you are that important. Everybody is missing the sun, some never really saw it, when they see it, you as the pure clear sun, they don't want to lose it anymore and keep on looking at you. You are that essential, if there wasn't you, life wouldn't be the same.

And even from afar, from the galaxy, you can still be seen as the brightest star. The most beautiful one. I wish you the best of happiness. ~

~ I read your blogs most othe recent ones

I sense ,value and love your heart for how open and pure it has always been for the love it truly deserves.

The way this connection has always mattered so much much to you same way for me

All my life I have waited for it 

The unspoken emotions , the fading wishes of your innocent heart, the confusion of longing ever present inspite the essence of your romantics ,

I wanna embrace you with all that you come by.

I don't wanna draw comparisons or feel jealous about anyone

Yet the love that you carry in your heart is so sacred and pure ,

The biggest sin to a guy would be to play with that sacred fire with mere lust and momentarily desire and fantasies

I want you to tell me how you feel and see 

Don't wanna perceive or presume

Words from your heart to mine 

And treat you the way you deserved to be and never let this third eye close😄

The reality is ever changing you know .

Treasures of your raw and pure self  are conveyed to me. It breaks my heart to read that 🥺

You are seen, heard, loved, understood , respected, adored  and I can't get enough of you beautiful soul. 

So I agree your butterfly effect is huge with the energy field of yours. ~

Let it flow. Let it flow. From all sides inside and out they say. Flying time my Angel 😇 they both say. They’re synchronizing around me now. 

Just flow darling

Just be you, that would always be enough and the best i want 

As Cobain says 

Come as you are

It would be unfair of me to not let you know 

That I am learning the art of appreciation and acceptance from you

My wise women.

You are one its kind

 So Divine and beautiful.

For my courage may universe bless your eyes, they made me trust me

You know what I love giving surprises and with those oceanic eyes I can't wait to see the glowing and loving. 

Just giving you some spill of my sides miss may

The two trees I chose myself. The two trees chosen by the fairy in the forest. Different times, different messengers, same message. The butterfly effect.