Never Ending Peace and Love

Seven years of Love. Yes I want to love you. LINA.

Nepal. 2020. I’m in that cycle. He makes me aware. 

Nepal. 2022. The circle slowly coming to close. He’s next to me. Smiling his soft, pure smile. My love. The purest. The most beautiful one. Catching me. In the fairy forest. Where the magic is home. Where the halo around my head already closed the circle. I had already met him, only I wasn’t aware until I returned to the place where I was told. He was aware. Brightly, sharply from the first time he looked into my eyes. 

 Lina your heart is beating too loud. Listen to it. 

It’s been two weeks. I can’t read, I can’t write, I’m unable to articulate myself, detached from the rest of the world, love struck. 

 Darkness. Lights are turning off. Only the far away little twinkles across the river know the truth. He’s touching my leg. He’s here. With me. For now and forever. 

 Freedom. Freedom for Love. Our love.  Growing from the first day into new life to expand the universe like water, running out of every rock, every pore. 

Our heartbeats made us survive. Our journey only starting.  Consciously. Aware. Silently. Strong. True. 

 The golden sparkles all around us. In every touch, every gaze, every move, every moment with us. For us. Lightening the way to our dance of life. A slow dance, untouchable in its intensity. Holding hands. You look good together. Sinking in. 

 The lights on the night waters calming our souls from what we had to go through. This moment of fear of losing our lives. Together. 

 They are with us. All souls of love without questions as we never had one from the beginning. Flowing with ourselves, our surroundings, our loved ones, transmitting the same sparkles. 

 We were waiting for it. Manifesting it. In it together, every step of the way. The manifestation more beautiful than any dream ever dreamt. No sleep. No waking up. One as the same. Love. 

 Flowing as the purest river through our hearts. Never wanting to end as it has only  just begun. Big aspirations to be fulfilled. By us. With them. With everyone we love. Creating happiness bigger than the world has ever seen. 

 The sparkle was in his eyes. Raw, real, determined. 

 It was her. SIA. I knew it. My love. One day.   One day I thought it will have to pull through, be recognized, pulled into the light, spreading throughout the world; visible now. As I sang for love, I sang for me, like a bird set free. Only HE could see. 

 They’re folding their hands over the meals, holding a prayer. „Thank you boys“ I say and smile. „Your mom will like her. Even we don’t hold a prayer when we have learned it but she does.“ I feel in only these 10 days I’ve been growing so close to them. Both. 

 Feeling my child growing inside my womb, seeing myself in a dress, a ring on my finger. A golden halo surrounding us, protecting our holy Spirits growing together, merging. 

„I can’t wait to take care of the two of you“ he says. 

 What feels like the most beautiful dream has become my reality. My life. Fearless, at the same most precious. 

 Every day when he is gazing into my eyes I can feel him deep inside of me, dissolving my past and everything that I’ve learned about pain. Dream and reality no more than mere opposites from the position of a disconnected mind becoming one when all the molecules start moving in the same rhythm of love and the mind can finally find peace. 

 He’s holding my hand. His best friend’s arm around his shoulder. I feel connected to both. I can only imagine how he feels. 

 The sweat running down our bodies. Two days already. Exhausted from the heat, the never ending hours in bus and car, trying to pass the border of the country that opened the first chapter to our love story. 

 I’m reading one too similar to ours. I let him read it to me. As always his eyes twinkling, mildly smiling at me, creating an intimacy I never knew before, tingling from my tummy up my spine to my heart. 

 The heat is making me dizzy, the lack of sleep delusional, his hand at all times holding mine, his arm around me protecting me, his body shielding me at night. 

 I need to pee. He’s taking me by the hand, out the car. It’s night. I sit in the grass, he’s standing in front of me blocking the sight, still holding my hand. 

 All fears of touching long gone. He’s putting his hand on my forehead while I lean on his shoulder. Putting my head in his lap, covering my eyes from the light, gently holding his hands over them. Kissing my fingers, my ears, my eyes, my nose, softly holding my face. I cannot remember having felt more loved before. 

 Tears splashing out my eyes. I didn’t want to cause a scene. He’s hugging me from the back, touching my face, slowly touching my eyes to check if I’m crying like he does every time. I can’t turn around, my heart clinching, I feel ashamed and helpless. „Babe, babe it’s ok. I just wanted you to have your coffee as you didn’t have it in the morning and I know how much you need it. But now I understand better that it wasn’t about the coffee but you feeling uncomfortable causing delay. You need to understand we all care. Nobody is upset with you. Everyone cares for you.“

He knows exactly what to say, what to do, how to touch me, to bring me back to my senses, to calm me, to comfort my inner child. How to hold it, how to caress it. „You’re my baby. I care for you, for everything. Everyone who knows you, cares for you because you’re brilliant. At least let me care for you. Ok?“ he’s holding me still, his touch so intimate, so sensitive, looking into my eyes showing me that this is all he truly cares about. „You know I see us together still when we’re 80, I will always care for you if you let me.“

This goes deeper. I sense it. From so early on. I look at him. „Remember what I told you about my mom? I still feel like no one can care for me.“ he’s smiling mildly. He wants nothing but my happiness. This trust that he’s bringing out in me that I’ve never felt so deeply with anyone before as an untouchable truth. In every word. It’s calming my soul, my heart, makes me wanna marry him tomorrow, have a child, just be, create more of this beauty. 

 His sensitivity for my needs, for my heart, as well as for my deepest pains. 

Every moment watching out for me, connecting to me. 

„You’re the fucking woman of my life.“ he’s whispering in my ear, leaning towards me. „I would do anything in my power to make you happy my goddess“. For half an hour he’s holding my head conveying his soul to me. Laying his world to my feet. 

Divine. It reminds him of a poem he wrote for me in Urdu, the most romantic language in the world. Madness of love. 

I’m drowning in his love for me. „You’re recognizing me for who I am, with everything I am, so the least I can do is to try to make sure you’re happy. Your happiness is the key. To write our own story, how we want it to be“. The stream of his words won’t end, going back to the day we met. 

„It was such a strong energy, your eyes, I can’t describe it, I just knew“. The soft sounds of the Hindi music creating Bollywood vibes around us, playing along our feelings. 

 It’s 6 am, day three in the car of long hours of going through Nepal and India with almost no sleep. Also our driver couldn’t keep himself from sleeping anymore extending the trip for more hours. 

As we again try to start for our last patch of the journey, the car won’t start. Just another little incident that didn’t go as planned in our continuous journey of three days. 

Trying to cross the land boarder between Nepal and India all the troubles started. After a 14 hour journey to the border city, bathed in sweat with too little sleep and food we hurry to get the immigration before closing.

He’s taking me by the hand, walking determined reaching a little dirty house that seemed to have been deserted for quite some time. Getting the person in charge a whole debate over my passport starts. I feel something is not going right. They won’t let me cross the border at this checkpoint. No way. 

This will be the start of a long journey. A long hustle of contacting people, arranging back and forth, solution finding, having his friend who was supposed to take us send away other people, calculating for an extra 15 hours detour to go over the only land border with immigration, raising the costs far beyond our limits, going into the highest dimensions, three hours, two beers and liters of sweat pass. Contacting different officers and embassies again we’re trying to cross. An attempt set up for failure. What’s keeping my spirits up is his beautiful smile and the patience of him and all his friends finding solutions only for the sake of my journey and his friendship.   The smily women on the border asking us when we’re getting married, making me feel like this step is not even a matter of time anymore but already happening. It’s lifting my heart as it keeps coming up throughout our journey, bringing us closer and closer. He’s taking my face smiling, I wonder where he got his patience from. He’s thanking me for my reaction, my calmness. 

 An extra day in this odyssey becomes inevitable. By the time we finally get going, the sun has set once again, our bodies and minds tired, drenched in sweat and dust. 

This shall only be the beginning. Driving through the night, having to wait for three hours for the borders to open, the immigration is testing our nerves by wanting my Love’s ID as well, something that’s not required for the sole reason that he was so kind as to walk me to every step on my way, noting down my details as the guys could have passed easily without being checked in the first place. Making it worse, filing a complaint for me, taking us one extra hour to cross; we slowly pursue our way forward with no cash, no internet, no working SIMs, no ATMs to find, grabbing some snacks on the way, exhausted driving into the next blistering day of heat, tiredness, slowly growing into exhaustion, never losing our spirits on the way, still holding hands smiling, refreshing ourselves in the 2 square meters bucket shower, brushing our teeth on the dusty road next to the trash on the water pump, stopping at any bush for me, still not leaving my side for every step into every shop, any washroom, any gas station, any bathroom, any Dhaba ordering for me, bringing me chocolate or juice, holding my hand. 

Kissing my chocolate lips, buying the most delicious ice cream, still taking hours to gaze into my eyes. „I can’t believe I could keep my hands off you for three days“. Sometimes it’s taking him over, my sweet, kissing me passionately, pulling me towards him, holding my face in his hands. It makes me love him more with every moment. 

 „I’m so sorry for the inconveniences. Really. I wish I could take care of everything so you would feel comfortable“. 

It’s day three. 8am. Five men are trying to get the battery back running, the sun has already risen, we’re standing on the dusty road, hoping for the engine to run again. 

I hug him, I can’t get enough of his eyes. Seeing his sincerity, his earnest. His heart shining. Connecting to mine every time in a different yet familiar way. 

No matter how long the journey, he’s still with me, watching me being. As his friends do the same, we dive into the last patch of our first but intense trip together, playing country guessing until we all fall back to sleep in exhaustion; waiting to arrive in the cool mountains, soothing our exhaustion drenched minds. 

The Butterfly Effect causing Endless Love.