My Spiritual Ego - Morning pages einer Erwachenden

Making me the protagonist of His dream, in His world, the queen, for as long as it suited His idea of how He wanted His dream to be. Pulling me all back in whenever I felt on edge, not wanting to let me go. „Babe I will never let you go. You are the one for me, I will take care of you. I want to take care of our children. If you ever try to run away, I will not let you. TRUST ME. You mean everything to me. I will not ever let anything happen to us. I will come after you wherever you go. This is it.” The words that we all wish to hear no matter how dangerous, flowing out of him as if it was a daily thing to say to anyone we meet, before even getting to know each other with all that we are.  All these words remaining the same throughout whatever happened, every fight, break, all the tears cried. Even AFTER having endless conversations about what words can do to another person’s heart and soul. How powerful they are, sharp as sword in the wrong hands functioning  as a weapon. Cut...

  My experiences guiding me. But you don’t want no one to take anything away from you. From us. From your journey, your heart, your experiences. „I’m not like them. Don’t compare me like that, I’m another individual“ I hear you saying more than once.   But what should I learn from if not my experiences and patterns? I wonder. I’m not trying to make you equal, I’m only trying to learn from what I’ve experienced. Stereotyping, equalizing, maybe even understanding transforming into growth… I thought.  Now I’m sitting here. Distance. Nothing I know is of much help anymore. I feel bigger spaces. I don’t want understanding. Not anymore. I want you. I’ve wanted you. And our dream. How could I make a dream even grow if I’ve already come with all for what I’ve known wasn’t a dream? I push you out of your delusion. Force you to look at things „rationally“, „realistically“. Sitting here I’m asking myself what does that even mean?  We all get numb over the years. Tired, exhauste...

Black coffee, no sugar. His identity, so well built up over all these years that he lost the sight for the milk and sugar inside. He goes for the white one. “Man didn’t you say you want your coffee black without sugar? Why are you drinking the sweet one?” Yes he WANTS the black one but the reality is sweet like sugar. The dream bubble, clean, free of poison, hiding the toxicity of the reality from himself. Poisoning himself every day by not recognizing his identity for what it is, by denying the reality in his truth, its effects becoming infinitely more powerful, taking him over, me. Intoxicating slowly and steadily all our love.   I’m screaming. For help, unheard as if I had no voice, my desperation to be heard, slowly winding me up into hopelessness. I cry louder, still unheard, my old wounds being broken open. His clean truth, the truth I’ve been trying to break through, offering a different view, endangering his meticulously constructed self, failing spectacularly to a point wh...

“You know like she for example can predict the weather. She’s the weather fairy. Maybe one time, two times ok can be coincidence but with her, every time it was true what she said. I ask her how she does it and she just has that connection to The Universe. Some people are like that. Now I sometimes try to do the same. I look at the sky and try to move the clouds.” He speaks in his monotonous wise voice that’s so calm like nothing can disturb his peace and everything is as real as it is, switching to English for me to understand.   It touches my heart the same it did the first time when he saw magic in me after only two days of knowing me, asking how I did this, looking into the sky. No questions, he just knew it was me without touching the topic. “I see what you do.” The weather fairy in her right place brought to light.  “Yes. I need You love” returning the same words in space and time bringing me back to when I heard them for the first time from his lips.  I want to go,...

And there she comes to hug me, her tiny body embracing me. “We will come to bring you” I say. No need for goodbye yet. “I know” she says smiling, holding me.   “I just wanted to hug you”.  Tears slowly filling my eyes, my heart feeling seen, a feeling I’ve been craving for days now. He comes sitting next to me, asking me what’s happening. I look at him. I don’t want to share it. This feeling I’ve been missing for so long now with him. My treasure. Keeping it safe, keeping it from him, so precious it seems I have lost it in my darkness, feeling cold.  It isn’t the first time in these two days that these three beautiful souls come in like fairies sent from the skies, touching me deeply as if they’re feeling my pain, my struggles of these days in their every pore. Without asking a question, without needing to know, they feel me, who I am.  All that I’ve been missing for these days, all the connection, the appreciation for my existence, my all being, making me feel seen,...