Clarity of a Broken Heart

Black coffee, no sugar. His identity, so well built up over all these years that he lost the sight for the milk and sugar inside. He goes for the white one. “Man didn’t you say you want your coffee black without sugar? Why are you drinking the sweet one?” Yes he WANTS the black one but the reality is sweet like sugar. The dream bubble, clean, free of poison, hiding the toxicity of the reality from himself. Poisoning himself every day by not recognizing his identity for what it is, by denying the reality in his truth, its effects becoming infinitely more powerful, taking him over, me. Intoxicating slowly and steadily all our love. 

I’m screaming. For help, unheard as if I had no voice, my desperation to be heard, slowly winding me up into hopelessness. I cry louder, still unheard, my old wounds being broken open. His clean truth, the truth I’ve been trying to break through, offering a different view, endangering his meticulously constructed self, failing spectacularly to a point where all is drained. 

The ever returning scenarios, empty phrases of a truth that can’t exist in my reality, slowly numbing me from inside out. A kid in denial, denial of his shadows, his all sweet self. 

Too many days have I been crying my heart out, have my soul screaming, torn apart in pain, escalated, hurt, damaged become the ugliest version of myself, I had thought to be tamed. Ever returning in its widest spectrum of manifestations. Unstoppable in her pain, her rage, her anger, winding in the same patters that she’s had to lived through for so many years. All these tears already cried, again for the same unseen reasons, the same blind denial of our own shadows.

I wished for his world to be mine, to live the dream he’s manifested, childlike without a doubt. I saw me holding a new life in my arms, a smile on my face, together. I wanted it to become my truth but….my denial for all that truly is, for my authentic self wasn’t strong enough. I held on to what I knew, what I learned, to my wisdom and teachings to bring light into this dark clouds of confusion and finally I break free. 

So close to the breaking point for all these days, he remains blind for how I’m slowly dying inside, still having a smile on his face. Trying to brush off the symptoms every day in the attempt to make them disappear, ignoring the source, the root of all our suffering, multiplying it, by keeping it in the dark to give it all the time and space to grow more and more in the darkness of his unconscious mind. Fueling the fire every day, I dance like a devil in it, with it, incapable to stand against it. Busy fighting my own evil, holding my head up, I become more and more crippled inside by each poisonous drop. 

The skies crying my tears. The universe is with me again. Keeping me from leaving only days before. The rain, the fog, my sight misty, my head cloudy; it wasn’t time. I would have left in a mind of confusion, as nothing could have opened up the sky more clearly than the last days have, bringing calmness, clarity and peace to my soul. 

The painful clarity of no escape. My escape being the only one from his world. His world slowly day by day moving farther away from mine, separating us more and more, my heart aching, my hope slowly fading into the clouds. 

My energies, my knowledge and wisdom exhausted. Nothing left I know to hold on to when the final drop of poison reveals itself so obvious, so immature to me; the black coffee turning sweet in front of my eyes. Not for the first but for the last time. Like the white clouds across the sky changing the color of my heart. He’s drinking it. 

I cannot deny it anymore. My clouds have been moved and the disappointing truth that I will never be able to reach his world, shows itself undeniably to me. No more excuses. No words left. My heart is quiet, my body calm. I know it. 

If I had the tiniest string of hope inside of me for that dream to be mine, it had continually been ripped in each moment between my clarity arising and the last minute I finally step on the bus. 

Making my path easier to walk, with every step on the way, my whole body reacting in withdrawal from his words, rejecting all that is; every breath I take, tasting more like freedom, unburdening myself rather than losing on love. 

Every word, every request poisoned, toxic for my soul in the attempt to hold me back, to cloud my mind, to misguide me back into the hazy maze of the never ending spiral of taking from the other one. Taking, judging, self-centered, opportunistic, unreflective, ignoring, childish, lost, abusive, …. Moving from manipulation, through agitation, frustration and blame, to victimization, denial…..

Never ending ending ending… all the same.  Death. Love. Communication so entangled in the misery of our opposing minds, not to be connected again. Not now. 

No more what to do, what to think. The Judge of God, discredited, as I’ve been in the dark for all these weeks. 

His prison, imprisoning me. Our dynamics multiplying their current into an untamable stream of destruction. Unseen in his world as he’s shaping every piece through his biased glasses to become a fit into his dream puzzle, separating it from mine, creating a distance not to overcome. 

No common ground to be found. The earth opening up in front of our eyes, ready to swallow what is. 

Setting me free, letting me breathe again, feel the sun on my skin, remembering who I am. It feels good. Right. No more doubts. 

The world seems brighter, lighter, full of wonders to be wandered, my loved ones behind me at all times, with me, supporting me, hearing me, seeing me as I haven’t been heard for so long now. My heart can breathe again, feel the lightness of life as it is when we’re present, when we can connect to what is. I am at peace. Calm. Nothing left to be said, nothing to fix. Only me and life itself.