Reality

 

My experiences guiding me. But you don’t want no one to take anything away from you. From us. From your journey, your heart, your experiences. „I’m not like them. Don’t compare me like that, I’m another individual“ I hear you saying more than once. 

But what should I learn from if not my experiences and patterns? I wonder. I’m not trying to make you equal, I’m only trying to learn from what I’ve experienced. Stereotyping, equalizing, maybe even understanding transforming into growth… I thought. 

Now I’m sitting here. Distance. Nothing I know is of much help anymore. I feel bigger spaces. I don’t want understanding. Not anymore. I want you. I’ve wanted you. And our dream. How could I make a dream even grow if I’ve already come with all for what I’ve known wasn’t a dream?

I push you out of your delusion. Force you to look at things „rationally“, „realistically“. Sitting here I’m asking myself what does that even mean? 

We all get numb over the years. Tired, exhausted, „intelligent“. Me so much more than him. Too much I’ve lived through the pain of my patterns. I don’t want that same pain back again and again. Shielding myself. I want to protect myself and the fairy tale at the same time. More and more shifting. From his side to mine. I wanted it. I asked for it. 

Now here we are. I took his lightness, his belief and trust. In me. In us. A self fulfilling prophecy out of the books. My piece of art. A piece of art I know too well. My piece of art that I wanna be recognized for. Bringing people out of their delusions. „Facing themselves“, being „realistic“. Who knows even what reality is? I robbed him of his lightness, his kindness, his belief, his open heart and trust to make it „real“. Well. I did. My real. As it’s been always my reality. Distance, heartbreak, questions, doubt and desperation. My reality. What good has it done to pull someone else into the same „reality“? A person I thought I loved who also doesn’t know if he loves me anymore. No more we will be together forever. No more we’re going to marry, have children. No more, I will never let you go, no matter what. I will come after you, I will not let you run away. Nothing. 

It’s all gone thanks to my reality. It didn’t even survive my first leave. Not even a day. Not even a few hours. I left. And so did he. No coming after me. No more dreams, no more belief, no more faith. Burned into ashes just to see the same reality happening over and over again in front of my eyes, caused by my own self. My self that thinks she knows how the world works. How things will go, pulling everything and everyone down with her to at least feed her inner need for the  satisfaction of being right. 

Two broken hearts left in the desert in search of… Love. 

The dream remains. That one someone will come after me, for me. For everything I come with and hold on to me, not let me go. Someone who doesn’t feel I am too much. Someday. When time’s right.