HAPPINESS

“You know like she for example can predict the weather. She’s the weather fairy. Maybe one time, two times ok can be coincidence but with her, every time it was true what she said. I ask her how she does it and she just has that connection to The Universe. Some people are like that. Now I sometimes try to do the same. I look at the sky and try to move the clouds.” He speaks in his monotonous wise voice that’s so calm like nothing can disturb his peace and everything is as real as it is, switching to English for me to understand. 

It touches my heart the same it did the first time when he saw magic in me after only two days of knowing me, asking how I did this, looking into the sky. No questions, he just knew it was me without touching the topic. “I see what you do.” The weather fairy in her right place brought to light. 

“Yes. I need You love” returning the same words in space and time bringing me back to when I heard them for the first time from his lips. 

I want to go, speak to him for I not know his heart as his words still appear like puzzle pieces to me that I can’t put together. 

Communication as it brought clarity last night, creating an open space of understanding. I tell Him my thoughts. 

Emotions of all colors crossing His face, moving through Him. He’s opening up, giving space for all the sides, in comprehension but His heart won’t agree. I sit with Him, look Him in the eyes as he’s conveying His truth to me. Going back to the last time all of us were together. 

“I could see it in their eyes, the way they looked at me…”. I finish the sentence… “like you’ve taken me away from them…”. I understand. Because of their love and care for him. 

“He does not”. He’s a wise man. We know. Wisdom doesn’t make feelings disappear. 

He’s trying to put Himself into his shoes. He’s giving His all. For me. I see the strength in His face, the attempt to feel our all emotions, considerately, feeling as if He was the one “left behind”, the one I walked away from when the moving wasn’t connecting the two of them. 

He can’t bare the thought. I’m putting my face on His chest. I hear His heart beating. For me. My heart filled with gratitude for Him, for His courage, connecting to His as one and the same. Showing me His vulnerability, sharing His heart, His authenticity with me. 

“The days are all yours but the nights belong to me.” His eyes apologetic. “I wish I was able to give you the space that you want but my heart tells me so much more. I’m sorry.”  

I feel his sorrow for not being able to give more freedom. I don’t feel the same way. I feel openness, understanding, making sense of where we all are. Including our all situations. Coming together as lovers, friends, companions on our paths crossing, considering our needs and desires to integrate our journeys in love. Moving out of His space to his, to mine. 

I love Him. His heart. His soul. He’s giving me His all as I’ve asked for it so many times. I feel light, loved. Nothing more that I could ask for as I feel a shiver of blame still going through Him, judging His path of love towards me. 

His deep, unconditional love to me. 

How could I want anything to be different? Him to be different? Him to “function” otherwise? When all I receive is beauty, offering me the most powerful connection existing in the universe, bringing it into my life without hesitation or doubt. 

“You’re so fucking beautiful.”  He’s smiling at me, softly with all the energy He’s left in this space from all He’s coming with, pulling me close to him passionately. “Feeling me with such empathy, how I really feel, making it yours, giving the space for it. No one has ever done such a thing for me”. How could I not as he came with the same heart?!

Rumbling. Thunder. I want to stay. Here. With Him.  What’s left, for another time. 

He’s embracing me from the back. Naked as we’ve come into this world. Looking at me, up into my eyes, as He has from the first time we’ve met. 

“Do you want to stop that three months thing where you have to leave the country?” A shy smile, the purest crossing his face. I understand. 

“You want to marry me?” I smile. The feeling is strange, yet not agitating. I want nothing more - Do I? One month. Is this me going crazy? It’s a leap of faith as they say. But then.. Isn’t it always ? What’s time? What does love mean anyway? 

Isn’t it a decision we consciously or unconsciously make in the end? A decision no matter space or time? What are the circumstances? Is the leap of faith changing its course when our rational mind wants to interfere? Tells us differently from experience? Our own, our parents’, our friend’s?

And what are the alternatives to finally be with the person we love when we’ve never met them before? The person we truly want to be with, we meet one day when they haven’t been there before? 

How would we know anything for certain when we haven’t known it before? If we took our past as the teacher for things going the same way, wouldn’t we close up for the future being something completely new? Something we could have never even imagined?

How could we allow the past to predict our future when the things we’ve experienced weren’t the ones we desired?! 

What if we shut the doors to the future we’ve always wanted with the person we’ve never met before when they finally appeared in our reality? Right here, right now having been given the opportunity to create the future we’ve been longing for, craving all along? All that we’ve worked for so hard?

Why project our failures, disappointments and pain on to our new connection into the future instead of taking over responsibility for our own fate and create the life of love we deserve in the here and now?

My dream is coming back to me. It’s twins. In stone. Untouchable. Unlikely but they’re sure, as he’s predicted it. I feel happy. No shock. No agitation. No resistance. Only dedication for what is. It’s what was meant to be all along. Life. At all times in perfect synchronicity with what ought to be. Surrender. The road is open. Always has been for whenever we’re ready to walk on it. Happiness as our obligation to pursue.