My Two Hearts of Open Skies

And there she comes to hug me, her tiny body embracing me. “We will come to bring you” I say. No need for goodbye yet. “I know” she says smiling, holding me. 

“I just wanted to hug you”. 

Tears slowly filling my eyes, my heart feeling seen, a feeling I’ve been craving for days now. He comes sitting next to me, asking me what’s happening. I look at him. I don’t want to share it. This feeling I’ve been missing for so long now with him. My treasure. Keeping it safe, keeping it from him, so precious it seems I have lost it in my darkness, feeling cold. 

It isn’t the first time in these two days that these three beautiful souls come in like fairies sent from the skies, touching me deeply as if they’re feeling my pain, my struggles of these days in their every pore. Without asking a question, without needing to know, they feel me, who I am. 

All that I’ve been missing for these days, all the connection, the appreciation for my existence, my all being, making me feel seen, brought back to life, into the light where I belong. Looking at me, approaching me each of them proactively, taking me into their happy place, their circle of feminine energy, holding me with all I’m carrying in that moment, making me light, sharing the same pain, the same heart, the same spirit. 

“Can you role a cigarette for me? And one for yourself please.”  It does something to me. Asking me for something I could do, giving me the feeling I’m being needed and loved for it, at the same time seeing my desires, giving me what I need. The direct, open love, feeling longings of care and giving. These feelings I’ve been lacking, missing so much in my heart, bringing out my spirit, my energy, what I live for, what I’m here for. 

These (th)free spirits, so beautiful, so warm in their all embracing manner. Three hugs of the three angels, before they take off into new spheres, spreading their bliss and joy, leaving me with some lightness of being understood in my heart. 

My heart still full of hurt, I have difficulties breathing. In all senses.

Wearing my men’s clothes. Both. Up and down. 

He came with this open heart, his all love. They two. 

Having gone up to the hut, my healing place, to see him, the other one, conquering open smiles for me. “This is your home. The apples are all yours, take as many as you can.”

All their care accumulating the moment I return, in their full capacity. All that I need, entangled in this place that I know so well. I’m back. They’ve been waiting. For me. 

Creating a safe space, to sit, to quiet the mind, to connect. The attic that I know so well. The other one. The first one. 

The colors of The Universe representing all the facets life has to offer, constantly pushing us through all the different layers to learn, holding us from the outside while we sit in stillness. 

Looking into his kind face, his calmness and understanding bringing some peace back to my heart.

I want them to connect. The two of them. He would understand then. Maybe what he couldn’t see before. The why. 

I pick the reddest apple I can find, so juicy and fresh, asking him to come pick me, join us for my favorite dish that they have put up for me, for my return as they once did for my leaving. 

Bringing two puzzle pieces, my most important pieces of the fairy forest together, connecting them, this dish that had once before soothed my mind and soul, placed in the middle of our circle, brought by the brightest smile of the most dedicated serving soul I’ve ever seen. “Ginger honey lemon Lina Mam or coffee? […] Thank you so much Mam, it’s a pleasure for me to make food for you Mam”. I hug him. It doesn’t take him a minute even having me in the space. I remember. My heart does too. Yes. This is my home. These people love and care for me so deeply, so unconditionally, touching exactly when I need it, reaching out for me, giving me their hand. 

Seeing the plates in the middle of my united hearts, smiles on all faces, knowing this is for me. Because of me. Connecting what wants to be connected, I feel grounded, humbled by all these giving souls, sitting between my two favorite ones. They laugh, they talk, they’re joined. In openness, care and love for me. The curiosity, the interest, their care and dedication reflected in their faces. I feel blissful, filled with gratitude for this hour of connection and happiness. 

And then the big explosion. Not the first one after this. By far. On and on. It’s growing, not the understanding but the distance, the pain, resulting in the biggest of all thunderstorms. Two volcanos erupting.  Escalation to their limits. 

All that carried no truth, coming out in a wild confusion of screaming children, wanting to be loved, seen, recognized, both too hurt, too empty to give. Two begging hearts, clashing from the longing for love. Out of control tears, blaming, insulting, no understanding. Hurt so deep that it feels it can’t be overcome. The waves becoming bigger, I sit and cry, from my heart, I need to leave. I have to escape. I know it too well from all these years, having lived through it unable to recognize my inner child screaming for love and attention. Identifying with it, blind to see where my pain had its origin, thinking it was caused by the outside world, people I love, treating me wrong, being unseen when finally I reached out, opened my heart and my mind and took my inner child longing for love and recognition by the hand. Caring for it, asking for the love and attention I need, instead of blaming everything on the outside world, never able to dissolve my hardships as I have been projecting them on others, feeling misunderstood, lonely and unique in my world when I had to learn that we are all the same going around as little children, yearning for unconditional love. If only we would be ready to admit it. Brave enough to face what was done to us to resolve it and create the happy life we deserve. 

I want to give him all my learnings, my knowledge, take away his pain, bring awareness when I’m still in the same process. “Trust me” I say as if I was all wisdom, my ego still wanting acknowledgement, pushing my perspective, my insights on him in my best intentions when I ask him to open up to me instead of pressing himself on me. Projection. My path as his mirroring one another. How can I ask him to live something I find hard to realize?

In my purest attempt of expanding our love, making us grow beyond ourselves, his idealism, his all belief in us, leaving no option to break us. Helping me pushing through, for our lives to unfold together, when I cannot see a way through anymore. Making me step out of my own mind, making it my friend instead of projecting my views of imprisonment on his heart. 

“My love, I feel that you’re not happy. Yes we all have different journey you know that but the search is for peace only. My love I have your love around me all the time”  My safe space, he doesn’t let me go, not calming the storm of the sea, the waves of missing softness, understanding, and empathy for one another creating an unbearable spiral of hurt feelings, doubt, frustration, sheer hopelessness, not wanting to end in our shaking bodies and souls. 

It takes hours to calm the wild sea of overflowing emotions that may have been necessary to reconnect two loving hearts, two lovers in the reality, two souls running for days on two different frequencies, unable to connect. 

Tears, aggression, finger pointing, blaming finally resulting in merging, understanding, slowly peacefully, coming back to earth, our tears subsiding. So far away from all realities, all solutions, out of the dimensions, finding our way back together here and now. 

Waking up next to him after over a week of struggles, hardship, facing our yet biggest storm, finally seeing the so familiar sparkle in his eyes… again, after so long. The same look I used to wake up to, crossing his face, his smile full of love and admiration for me. True and authentic, like nothing matters more than me. “Good morning my Angel”. He’s holding my face, rubbing his all skin over mine, slowly, softly. I’ve been missing this so much. Him. His warmth, his passionate heart, having turned cold for all these days before. 

“She’s a constant reminder of how beautiful life really is. The purity in her eyes magnifying.” he says to his friend. I hope that’s what I can be for us, truly, sincerely, every day understanding that process is not a linear movement but constantly going around in circles and spirals, to not give up and find the strength as he said to me, to grow instead and hold each other tightly when it hurts the most, when it seems too hard to take.