My Spiritual Ego - Morning pages einer Erwachenden

I wish that I did not know where all broken lovers go. I wish that my heart was made of stone. If I was bullet proof, I would love you black and blue.  If I was unbreakable. It sounds over the whole town, through the mountains, standing on the balcony of our class room. I start singing. This morning has been so beautiful, exciting my heart in every way, filling it with happiness from the moment I wake.  The natural morning high. The stress hormones waking up our mind and body, the sun telling me it’s another beautiful day that will cover my heart in love. Shedding some tears from my infant notions, digesting my active dreams, waking me early morning. My love from the last weeks, conveying to me that he’s not loving me, only having me for his own needs, another one coming, unclear, confusion, loving me but using me.  Connecting to my friend, feeling all the colorful emotions the universe has to offer, without boundaries. I feel alive, excited.  Moving on to the mat, g...

  I’m laughing, we’re walking out the restaurant, completely satisfied, filled on all levels, he’s paid once again. „You need to stop doing that, you’re too good to me.“, I pull on him, holding his arm, while he’s paving the way for me. “I’m trying not to be too good to you”. I keep giggling asking him for explanation. He keeps his face, completely collected, he’s just being himself in his true nature. I don’t stop. “I just mean, I can be much better than that. I try not to push anything”. This is why I feel so comfortable around him. I can just be near him however I come.   Picking some groceries, he grabs the bag and my notebook so I can eat my ice cream and sip my soda.  This has again been such a smooth fulfilling day.  Returning from class after I’ve jumped on his back in the morning to collect my… No one have ever done this for me….ever..  even I’ve never expected this from anyone but after reading this I felt loved. I see how he’s cleaned, doing yoga with...

“Next time cry a bit louder”… He says, smiling. His dry humor always on point. “Then I can come and ask if you need anything or if you want to talk”. As his heart is the same on point. He’s listening. He’s been listening. Since I arrived. With his open heart. “I’m so glad you’re here.” “Me too. It’s becoming like our habit, sitting here, having all these nice conversations. And you cooking all these nice veggies for me. Your salad is amazing. We should get drunk tomorrow. What do you want to drink?”. He’s kind, he’s true, he’s calm and reflected. He wants to know, to understand. I enjoy his company, creating a home atmosphere, having a good friend by my side. “Your eyes are so rare, very different. I’ve never seen such eyes. This brown ring around your pupils and the change of colors. I’ve never seen that”. I smile. “Tomorrow when you go to class, I will come down with you, I have to buy a few things”. It’s getting better.   The night is getting darker, the sun is down early. I slo...

Going through the process of digesting another failed love I have come to more and more insights and understandings over the past two weeks. Each day offering new learnings that slowly start forming a complete picture.  Over the days I first started looking at myself. My feelings, my triggers, pains, coping mechanisms and strategies that I’ve been already aware of for quite some time.  Analyzing my inner child over and over again in the attempt to see how all this pain of not feeling seen and heard, not receiving the care I wish for, the attention and recognition for who I am, being sincerely cherished and appreciated without feeling unwanted, inadequate or full of flaws, manifests itself when unanswered.  My deep belief formed in my early childhood that I’m not enough, that it’s not important how I feel and that I’m wrong inside and out, remaining until today. Repeatedly bringing out the feeling that I’m not worthy of love.  Thinking I had learned over the last 20 y...