If I had a Diamond Heart

I wish that I did not know where all broken lovers go. I wish that my heart was made of stone. If I was bullet proof, I would love you black and blue. If I was unbreakable.

It sounds over the whole town, through the mountains, standing on the balcony of our class room. I start singing. This morning has been so beautiful, exciting my heart in every way, filling it with happiness from the moment I wake. 

The natural morning high. The stress hormones waking up our mind and body, the sun telling me it’s another beautiful day that will cover my heart in love. Shedding some tears from my infant notions, digesting my active dreams, waking me early morning. My love from the last weeks, conveying to me that he’s not loving me, only having me for his own needs, another one coming, unclear, confusion, loving me but using me. 

Connecting to my friend, feeling all the colorful emotions the universe has to offer, without boundaries. I feel alive, excited. 

Moving on to the mat, giving my body life, after waking up to his compassionate message again: “It takes courage to accept the biggest fears which we have within and much more to showcase them to the world without caring, but your heart is pure that’s why without hesitation you have accepted your fear and have shared it with us. This is bravery. 

“My girl without a dragon tattoo” 😚 

My Agni, bringing my enthusiasm as it will come breaking through in the morning. 

I am still up, if u feel like you are not able to sleep just let me know. ❤️”

How couldn’t my heart be full of gratitude already. I wish that I did not know where all broken lovers go… the words are coming out of my speaker while I move my body to the melody, singing along. He wakes up, his friends arrive, I prepare breakfast, he’s hugging me, we’re sitting in the sun. My family. My home. My routine, giving me stability and bliss at heart. 

With this lightness in my soul, I jump down the trail, as I run into my class mate. Picking up the energy, the emotions, my enthusiasm unstoppable, we’re exchanging our feelings about our struggles in decision making, love and life, finding clarity on our path as we’re climbing up the stairs. I start swinging, loud music sounds from the neighborhood. I can’t believe it. I start singing out loud, everyone smiling. “What’s that song?”

Hello, sweet grief

I know you'll be the death of me

Feel like the morning after ecstasy

I am drowning in an endless sea

Hello, old friend

Here's the misery that knows no end

So I'm doing everything I can

To make sure I never love again

I wish that I did not know

Where all broken lovers go

I wish that my heart was made of stone

Yeah, if I was bulletproof

I'd love you black and blue

If I was solid like a jewel

If I had a diamond heart,

I'd give you all my love, if I was unbreakable

If I had a diamond heart,

You could shoot me with a gun of gold, if I was unbreakable […] and I will try to fix you. 

MAGIC. 

This day gives me endless life lessons, life therapy again. Given the human nature scanner, I see everything and the universe. It makes sense. More. 

Coming home to his smile, embracing me, I start bubbling over enthusiastically from all the understandings of the day, eager to put them into practice as my own best experiment. Bringing balance back into my system, sweet, subtle. 

He’s helping it. The season, the heart, the sharpness. After sitting with him, pouring, dropping my bags to my room, I find a big bag of chocolates and cookies on my bed. I go back to him, touched. The Sweetness I need. “You’re preparing me for winter?!” It reminds me of my love, the universe, my time in the forest as the fairy when I find the same thing in the same spot, four months before, given to me without a word like a gift from the angels. The angels of my heart. 

Only one didn’t complete it, and took everything instead of giving. The signs clear, not for me to see but slowly returning as the seasons change, the temperatures drop, so do my sorrows, my pain transforming into gratitude for what was and what is, cooling down with the mountains in my back, the peak behind me, next to me, protecting me. 

It seems to become like a story from a faraway land. From some faraway time. A distant memory. 

He’s communicating as the universe, giving the same love when I ask him if he needs anything he replies a tight hug. Bringing me back to the same question weeks before, receiving the answer: “I need you, my love” from the universe. Seeing the cycles, recognizing what love looks like, I cannot stop wondering why I would choose everything over love, believing that’s what it was. 

Having shared my broken heart, my hurt forming into rivers of tears, telling my story of the last days to the people I love over and over again, I harvest silence on the other end of the line, every time. All my pain slowly moving into the background day by day as if it had happened to someone else, a story of a tragical romance. As written in the books, only in the modern version of young men finding ghosting, hiding behind their own shadow in self pity, denial or insecurity a proper solution of leaving a woman behind, that they’ve declared to love many times before. The coward gene, the new fashion of our generation. 

Sometimes remembering how impressed I was when he came to get to know me in Nepal, how humbled, maybe even unworthy for it. “You have no idea what I would do for you. If you had gone to Germany I would have followed you to Germany. Cross the world for you”. That was before he knew me. That was before I shrunk his picture of an ideal love, of how he thought love with me would be. Now I’m only around the corner, near, reachable all the time, as he is not. As consciously he destroyed his own construction, unconsciously delivering false beliefs to me that he would have interest in my person after knowing me, not being able to live up to his own idea(l)s. As I could also not hold space for him. As I was not able to give him the love of our dreams. 

My dad on the phone, for hours, philosophizing about through life, awaiting me home, I feel this safety, this love, that I was wishing to find in everything. “The first week when you return I will have a lot of time for you if not everyone wants to spend time with you and you find some free minutes. I took some time off work. I will come pick you up from the airport if you want to, waiting for you”. Do I want to? All my loves excitedly awaiting me, brings so much bliss to my heart. “I have an attack planned for you.” She says. “Would you like stay in my flat, I will be gone for some days and after that I took one week off only for you, we can do whatever you want”. My heart is bursting from love. Hanging on the phone for more hours, I look for a cigarette. “I can’t believe he just went down for you to get cigarettes”. I smile. Yes. That’s how he is to me. And not only that. Will he let his friends wait, to take me by the hand and walk me up and down in the dark when my bones are weak. Whatever it may be. Coming to my room late night, returning from dinner to sit with me, talking, wishing each other good night. 

The chocolates, the cigarettes, the food. Care. Love. Symbols. In the exact same shape and form, given to me as a redemption for all these moments where I was fighting for those little things, remaining deprived of them, remaining in the dark with my needs and wishes. It wasn’t time. 

The more silence I receive the more my sorrow transforms into giggles, quiet laughter, gradually growing louder as I find the ridicule, crying for weeks over a young boy who promised me love when he didn’t know how to live it, breaking his vows again and again for his own sake, and in the end mine. Overwhelming him with who I was. I’m sorry. I hope you’re well. I hope you’ll receive the love you deserve. Living in different time zones and seasons of our lives, not wanting to face reality, disconnecting, you took over the decision. To return to ourselves. Understanding we weren’t meant to be. No more tears left to cry. 

Waking in the morning to the warm sun on my face, again waking up the energy of the North Indian mountains, I can’t believe how lucky I am. 

Slowly going to wake him up as requested, he’s opening his eyes. “Thank you for waking me. I wish I could wake up like this every day. You’re so sweet. Don’t forget linner today at 6.30”. He’s grabbing my bag, taking me down, outside the gate, handing me my bag. “You have everything? You have your lunch? You didn’t eat. Chocolate? Notebook?”. I smile. “Bye sweetheart. See you later”, he laughs, I am too. The sun is bright. I’m ready to learn.