The Hike to Healing

“Next time cry a bit louder”… He says, smiling. His dry humor always on point. “Then I can come and ask if you need anything or if you want to talk”. As his heart is the same on point. He’s listening. He’s been listening. Since I arrived. With his open heart. “I’m so glad you’re here.” “Me too. It’s becoming like our habit, sitting here, having all these nice conversations. And you cooking all these nice veggies for me. Your salad is amazing. We should get drunk tomorrow. What do you want to drink?”. He’s kind, he’s true, he’s calm and reflected. He wants to know, to understand. I enjoy his company, creating a home atmosphere, having a good friend by my side. “Your eyes are so rare, very different. I’ve never seen such eyes. This brown ring around your pupils and the change of colors. I’ve never seen that”. I smile. “Tomorrow when you go to class, I will come down with you, I have to buy a few things”. It’s getting better. 

The night is getting darker, the sun is down early. I slowly get tired. Gratitude in my heart for all these people who see me, recognize me, guiding me. 

“I love how you’re always snacking something” she says. It’s these little things that people initially recognize about me that give my heart bliss in these days. “Maybe we can find a new strategy for you to handle the situation right now” my friend says. “Call me if you want to, we can figure something out”. Love. I’m in bed. Trying to sleep. “How is your sleep these days? Can you sleep a bit longer besides the crying episodes?”  I love him. “I love you Lina. You are worth everything you dream of […]”. Held in a bubble of love. For me. 

We’re drinking. He picked me up from class. I like it. He invites me for Lunch, smiling, for dinner, drunk, not taking no for an answer. 

We’re sharing. Talking. More drinking. He’s a Heart. I’m singing. SIA. HEARTBREAK, Forgiveness, I sing from my soul, freedom, love, he’s singing along with me. We’re in the same space. 

“Ah here you got some new friends” he says, when the girls leave. “You do too”. I say. “No, you’re my only friend” he says. “You’re so filled with life. It’s so beautiful. I’m asking myself then why you cry so much for this”. “Because this is a part of why I’m so filled with life. I don’t choose as it all is part of it. Not only the beautiful moments. I feel gratitude and growth. These tears are a reflection of that and my pain”. 

I feel our connection. He’s hugging me tightly, deeply, unexpectedly. Had he only said minutes before, that he’s not good with love, he couldn’t express his feelings. Yet, here we are. In trust. In honesty, he’s sharing his love with me. We’re here. He makes me understand my last love. His confusion. His feeling of the lone Wolfe. Still craving love. The ambiguity. His dad died too. He’s smoking too. Only he’s there, with me, in my Universe. I feel connected. Like my Universe love who never lost connection to me. Remembering him hugging me goodbye but not; “see you later” he said. Kissing my cheek, kissing my lips, holding me tight. Thinking back it made me feel much more filled with love, than the one I focused on, when he just dropped me without kissing me the way I loved him. 

This smoking numbs you, it gives you a break from reality, keeps your head in the clouds shanti shanti so you don’t have to face the situations when they become hard. Let’s you stay in your comfort zone, your cave, your tunnel. Having smoked for so long not even knowing anymore how you feel without it, it’s not working in a relationship. You let everything just happen. 

The more I listen the more clarity I get. Two sources. The ones that from their own experiences, not putting it on others. It makes me sad. Very sad. Would I have believed he loved me and yet it wasn’t enough to not choose himself over me and knowingly make me go through the loneliest feeling of not being loved. Again. I wish he could have told me, at least had the decency to let me down easy as this way brought me much more insight. 

“You’re so perfect”. She looks at me, tears rising up her eyes. “You’re being so much loved. Oh God. Such a huge field of love surrounds you. You’re so beautiful”. Now I start tearing too. A deep feeling of love and revelation, gratitude and peace is moving through me. Tears running down my face. My heart feels light and loved. “No it’s not the people. It’s Mother Earth. Incredible. So much love”. PachaMama. On my ankle. She’s holding me crying, touching my forehead, giving me her energy. The sun on our skin, so powerful. 

In this moment he turns to me “chocolate?” I take a piece, I’m laughing so hard, I just bought five chocolate bars. “You’re very strong in manifesting” he says. I look at him. “Did you really just say that?” I smile. People say this to me all the time when I make appear everything I want in front of their eyes. “The energy is so high here” she says. “I swear only right now I spell the word energy”. 

She comes to me, I’m holding the chocolate bars. “This Crystal is for you. From Mother Earth”. I’m so touched. “I would be so happy if we keep in touch through the phone. You have so much wisdom, I will be able to learn from you”. My energy healing from Germany. “I would love to” I say. The healing life philosophies of my studies, kicking in, the universe today as all the days before connecting so strongly all the love only for me to feel. “You’re so loved”. We’re hiking up. It’s feels comfortable. He’s taking so much care of me. 

I know why I’m here today. She knows too. We all know now. My love angel, roomy and best friend, holding my hand in my healing, embracing me in my pain, truly, calmly. “Should I thank you for being here?” He’s smiling. “I’m so happy that we’re here together.”  

Chai energi. Chi. He says. “I’m so happy”. “Good. You deserve it”. 

My universe guiding me through everything to complete the circle to the top. Now I understand. 

Thank YOU for the journey. My healing. Making me fly again. 

“It’s your law of attraction working for you”. He’s next to me. Again. In my process in his presence. 

A rock is flying down. He catches me, I get scared, it brings me back to everything, a trauma. My trauma. The top saves me. 

Togetherness. Being there for one another, holding each other, waiting for one another, caring for one another, connection. All that I’ve missed so much over the last weeks. Having been cut off from love, disconnected in my presence, now receiving it all multiplied. In the spotlight of the universe. The sun himself. 

We’re reaching. The view is breathtaking. On top with the top. “Lina, smile into the camera” my Dutch friend says. Happiness is showering over me like the bright sun that’s accompanying us. “I’ve never seen the snow peaks here before”. “The weather fairy” I say. “Don’t forget”. He’s smiling. “Point noted” he says. 

A place to sleep, food, love, surrounded by the mountains, open space. Holding me. Holding us. I hug him. I feel so full of love and gratitude. “I think it was a good decision that I came with you today” he says.

“Can you take a picture of me?”  

“I can take many on your third eyephone”. I’m laughing so much. Brilliance. His words always a pun, unintentionally fueling my inspiration. 

The sun is strong, the atmosphere magic. I sit behind him hugging him. He’s learning my Sanskrit vocabulary with me, making it so much easier for me. We take another energizing walk, the mountains become more and more beautiful in the day that’s slowly settling to dawn. Everything is easy. 

We’re having chai, he’s taking my pictures, we’re hugging, he’s holding me when the night is getting cold as we’re watching the most magical sunset and the stars arising. “I never get drained with you. I like to learn from you, spending time with you”. The lines of the horizon straight in different colors fading into one another, the sun blood red, closing a day that has brought me back to myself, Mother Earth and love. “PachaMama” he says, his wife coaching me through the night, helping my pain to dissolve into nothingness, transforming into laughter, compassion and trust, watching the city lights, down there, far away where the Dalai Lama has his seat, holding space for us. “So beautiful that we’re connected now”. She says. 

Having our well deserved Dhal and rice in the cold darkness, the monks are chanting on the fire. Snuggling up into all my clothes under the blanket, tired and blessed, he plays dancing with a stranger. I’m in love. With life. Brushing teeth. “I think I should keep this habit”. He’s taking all on. “If you start fasting, let me know. I’ll do with you. Hypocrite fasting, one meal a day”. I’m laughing my ass off. That’s who he is. Open, reflected, strong, courageous, compassionate, empathetic, funny, calm, easygoing in any way, in no denial about himself or the things he does, bright awake as himself, sharing his warmth and kindness generously. Always attentive to see what I may need. 

The universe once more send me the right angels with impeccable timing. So loved and held as I couldn’t feel for some time now after my dream slowly started crumbling, falling into little pieces. 

“What are you laughing about?” Sitting on his bed, this makes me laugh even harder. 

He opens the door singing, a joint in his mouth. I couldn’t be happier to be here. 

Next door a monk party is slowly starting. Then monks, one room. They’re laughing. We are too. 

A new day. The holy day. It’s ten. The sun bright above me. Sitting on the temple rocks, the snow next to me. Snow line. The amazing mountains in their different layers, forming wavy shapes, opening up in front of me. 

Waking at six, opening my eyes, the sun starts rising up behind the rocks, the monks are back on the fire, I step outside, grab my shoes, a coffee and sit on the highest rock, watching the colors of the sky changing into day. The sky is bright blue. I close my eyes, tears starting to drop out of my eyes. 

A voice interrupting me in my world. “I’m sorry to disturb but the place you’re sitting in is amazingly beautiful. I’m a photographer. Would you mind if I take some pictures of you? You will like them. Give me your phone.”  Sitting on the rock, a new friend comes joining me from the back. I cuddle him. Perfect timing. The day has already become more than I could ask for as I start the way to the snow line. The views opening up in front of my eyes, once more taking my breath away. Behind a rock, a familiar face shows himself. I know these beautiful blue eyes, only I forgot from where. “Oh hey”. He comes to hug me. We talk, we’re laughing. I remember. I met him in the restaurant a few days before, walking home with him. 

No matter where I go, the universe keeps sending me friends. I keep walking, sit down at the snow line and breathe. 

HAPPY DIWALI all around. 

Lights of all colors blinking all around me. He comes back. I hug him. Right on time. “I met this guy. He told me your German friend is already gone. He was sure we were together. I know him too.” I’m laughing. Connections all around. I tell him to take a shower in my room. They put candles on. “You owe me a few photos”. 

It’s dark now. Fire cracking and love all around, the lights sparking up the night. Only because I’m crying, doesn’t mean I’m not moving. I’m moving. Moving. Moving on. From you, from me, from us, to a new me, with the lights of Diwali. 

As we walk down to get our dinner after being served Khir, we run into our blue eyes friend, a bottle of rum in his hand. We’re hugging, laughing. Happy Diwali. Again. We talk about the hike as my friend says, he came back earlier maybe because he missed me. We’re smiling. We grab another bottle. “Come by to the hostel later to join”. Life is good. 

[This is an amazing piece of art because the way you have written it is so crisp and beautiful. Also, filled humor and motivation I mean this is so real but seems like lucid dream… Also, no one have ever done this for me….ever.. even I’ve never expected this from anyone but after reading this I felt loved

I am gonna hug and kiss the shit out of you tomorrow (…) My universe guiding me through everything to complete the circle to the top. Now I understand. 

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This interpretation is epic. The way you have used the names with sequence and the meaning behind it is incredible.

I am reading it in a loop. The More i am reading it the more i am drowning in it. You need to swim here to me and save me]