From Hand to Hand

For all the Boys

Tears. Hiding them. Everywhere they come out. It’s that time of the year. Making them come to life, releasing the pain, the hurt we’re carrying in our hearts, cleansing. Were we taught to hide them, suppressing our pain deep inside in the dark. “I’ve never cried in front of anyone. See you made me cry now”. It’s my superpower. Maybe that’s what I’m here for. 

Sometimes it feels like that is my journey, my mission. Revealing the pain of people’s hearts. Lightening them. Taking their burden. It’s not about me finding egocentric love in a partnership but to open people’s long hidden wounds, to finally heal. Soothing the immeasurable suffering of our past experiences, reprogramming our mind for love. For the beauty and ease of life. 

Finding the hidden treasures of growth for our path, becoming what we are meant to be. Finding Closure. Closure from our past, opening the doors to our future that’s shining so bright ahead of us if we find the courage to change, to face ourselves, encounter our daemons, integrate them, talk to them gently instead of denying them, letting them determine our lives in the unconscious darkness of our hearts. 

Love shining so bright all around in these days of deep transformation. So strong that my heart at times is bursting from it when in the next moment it wants to go back to the old pain of being broken. It’s not the heart. Its the mind holding on to the ever occurring pain of being rejected by someone who promised to never leave and instead did the opposite. 

Don’t you know your pain is mine?! Just as my love is yours. 

And then the rain came. After one month of crystal clear skies, bright sun waking me up every day for a month. The time of leaving coming closer so rapidly, the weather reflecting my universe.

Something inside us

Knows there's nothing guaranteed, yeah

Girl, I don't need you

To tell me that you'll never leave, no

When we've done all that we could

To turn darkness into light, turn evil to good

Even when we try so hard

For that perfect kind of love, it could all fall apart

I don't know who's gonna kiss you when I'm gone

So I'm gonna love you now, like it's all I have

I know it'll kill me when it's over

I don't wanna think about it, I want you to love me now

Und was du versprichst ist wahre Liebe pur 

Ich habe dir lange vertraut und deshalb nicht geglaubt

Was die anderen sagen, mir nicht zusagen wagen

Lass mich los

Lass mich endlich allein

Ich unterdrück meine Tränen, um wieder frei zu sein

Ich kann allein sein, das weißt du auch

Und doch habe ich Flugzeuge in meinem Bauch

Gib mir mein, Gib mir mein Herz zurück

Du brauchst meine Liebe nicht

Gib mir mein Herz zurück

Bevor es auseinander bricht

Je eher, je eher du gehst

Um so leichter, um so leichter wird's für mich

Mir scheint als wäre es gestern, doch es ist schon lange her

Ich trau michs kaum zu sagen, doch mein Leben ist jetzt leer

Ohne dich, du fehlst mir fürchterlich

Ganz heimlich, da denk ich nur an dich

Du bist in meinem Kopf, ein Denkmal aus Acryll

Doch denke ich heute weiter ignorere ich das Gefühl

Des Alleinseins, bin mir selber wieder treu

Denn heute definiere ich mein Leben wieder neu

Sie ist die eine, die immer lacht

Die immer lacht, die immer lacht, die immer lacht

Und nur sie weiß, es ist nicht wie es scheint

Oh sie weint, oh sie weint, sie weint

Aber nur, wenn sie alleine ist

Denn sie ist, denn sie ist wie eine

Zeig' mir, wer du bist und du wirst sehen

Wie es ist

Zu lachen, ohne dabei zu betrügen

Oh, zu weinen, du wirst sehen, wie sie dich lieben

Oh, zu lieben

Ich zeig' dir, wie es geht

If only you understood your name. Everything. If you could trust in it, not only extracting it as a miracle but make it a reality. As we’re such complex beings, if we’re able to look at our shadows, our trauma, our hurt and not being in denial of always being happy. 

Drunk thoughts from the night before, thoughts I’ve played in my head millions of times. 

Waking up tired for the last time in this beautiful place, I need to go outside, walk, feel the mountains, the forest for a last time, quietness, closure from weeks that have shown me all faces of life. Weeks that have moved me through my deepest pains as well as my purest happiness, living a few moments of dream, then letting it go, reliving it, having to let it go again. My deepest desire. Broken. I want to go back in time. I want to listen to his words, understand how I could have overlooked the truth. How I could have so misinterpreted his words. I listen to over an hour of his most inner thoughts and feelings, his hurt, his trust, his vulnerability, his wish of loving and nourishing me throughout a life time, asking me to trust him, to outgrow his shadows, to surrender his ego, to love the purest, break the patterns. Thanking me for my patience, conveying that he’s never felt that way before… I’m lost for words. I understand why I fell for him. It’s all I ever wanted. I felt his heart, the same hurt, I felt his courage of letting go of the past hurt of being left by the person we love most. He wanted to change the path with me by his side. I wanted it so much to be as he’s declared. I can still feel it. This clarity at that time. I would do it all over. My words from last night as a reminder to him, the crows circling around my head as a reminder for me. No reminder necessary. He knows. He knows everything. He chose. Differently this time. Time to go. Silence. 

And then my phone rings. It’s A. He needed a reminder. A reminder of love. 

The city far below me. No sound to be heard. Only the crows around my head reminding me of a new episode in my life. Yet to come. 

It’s early morning, the city’s grey, my eyes heavy from the night, tears running down my face. Spending the last two days with the person I love deeply and truly, the one person who never left my side, taking me by my hand step by step whenever I needed him, putting me in the taxi, some last kisses, some last words of love. My heart in awe of having him in my life for five months now, holding me tight, when I’m in pain, despite all, holding me throughout my last nights, hugging me tightly around my waist, kissing my neck, holding my head. Safe space. That safe space that he’s created for me from the first moment of our encounter until the last of me leaving. 

Leaving the mountains after my last month of hardship caused by a person who decided to leave me behind without a word like so many others did before, putting me throughout the deepest pain, rooted in generations of living in exile, given to me over my great grandma throughout my parents, living behind a wall, fighting through my relationships of having to face the same situation over and over again of being promised love but left behind a wall as my ancestors were, when things don’t go as dreamed before. Throughout all my heartache I would defend and protect him, feeling compassion until I hear his voice on the phone. Hearing that he fully aware and conscious took that decision of putting me through hell, hearing no regret in his words but on the contrary justifying that he did the best he knew as he didn’t feel like he wanted to be with me anymore. I don’t recognize this cold self centered person. It’s the last straw that makes me realize how far away he has moved from me. His courage, his faith, his idealism, his trust in the universe and the dedication towards love that made me fall for him; gone.  

I remain calm, I still want to give him love, want to be the easy one. I guess I lost my value over him, putting him above me, letting him play his power games over me for many weeks, until the end letting him manipulate me. Until…my love. 

Yet in all this turmoil as from the first day I’ve been in this country the universe put me from one hand into the next without a break. Never leaving me out of sight. When one broke my heart, the next hand reached out to me and so it happened for even the last weeks until the last day with my Love, the universe himself. 

As I arrive four weeks ago, deeply hurt, helpless and devastated as I could feel how his betrayal took me over, I find this young man in the room next to me who would become my friend, mirror, husband in trial, companion and loving care taker for the next weeks. Holding me when I needed warmth, guiding me, providing me, listening to me. Spending weeks of eating together, holding hands, going on hikes, hugging, he was the one to lift me up when times felt hardest. Yet he was the reflective mirror of A on different levels. Having similar biography, lifestyle, mindset and in the end patterns of behavior, I found myself yet another time confronted with what I already knew, as he couldn’t recognize his feelings for me, trying to extinguish them in the dark, hiding as A did. Walking away in the same manner, I could see the pain, the insecurity, the self doubt, he carried in his heart, becoming ignoring and unfair as A did. Could I this way find compassion for all that I’ve seen before as only someone who carries even more pain in their heart, would be willing to cause someone else such suffering. Twice and consciously. 

Seeing him walk, a bottle of rum was handed to me. “Do you want to come to the cafe with me? They have a party tonight. HighLama”. Saturday night, seeing the peak slowly disappear in front of my eyes, having the next hand in mine, taking over my care taking. And so he did in every way until accompanying me back to the city, giving me directly into the hands of my Love. Hugging me, kissing me, wanting me to meet his family and join me at the airport, I refuse. Too much I’ve had it. 

As I’ve found my different memories of all the boys in their best moments, bringing me gifts, supplying for me, it reminded me of how much I’ve been loved, only to understand that A was the one not feeling bad for taking but going into denial, arguing with me about it over and over again. Whenever I showed him the mirror, I got rejected, now I wasn’t the dream to be lived anymore. Only a complication. I was blind. Trying to stay open with whatever I felt I needed or wanted as he didn’t seem to care much. 

With the blessing and the love of all the angels sent to me, loving me as I am, nourishing me as only A promised but others did, I could become clearer. I was honored to feel such abundant love from everyone I know, holding me, reminding me of what was done to me that I could finally see how much I’ve been trying to protect him. In any way. I was trying so hard to love deeper the more I got hurt that I overlooked that he’s been going the opposite direction, even blaming me, assuming I would have spread poison about him. If only he knew.

So much hurt, I chose him as I didn’t want to realize he chose himself, over me. 

Getting on the bus for my last trip to meet my most loyal love for me to end this part of my journey with me, gives me the deepest understanding of true love and companionship. Trust and protection that I’ve been longing for when he’s been it all along. When he’s never disappointed me, never spoke untrue to me, with the kindness in his heart at all times, he’s cared for me, coming to me, being with me as until today. Giving me the most blissful last days, putting a smile on my face, warmth in my heart, when I cross the dusty city with him, holding hands, hugging, my arm around his waist, my head on his shoulder, he makes me feel so much loved. Being held all day long, kisses on my face, embraced through the nights, my head held in his hands, feeling his soft skin on mine, we go take a last bucket shower together to wash off the dust from the city. No distance, no awkwardness, only intimacy from love and trust, throwing water over each other. “You are love”. He says repeatedly. “I will miss you so much”. I know this is true as I already miss him and I cannot suppress my tears anymore. Being with him, I know what trust is, what loyalty, respect, protection, honesty, courage and love means. He’s there, always was and always will be. He never needed words for it as he’s living his truth. 

“Two days is not enough. My sunshine, my love, I love you so much. I already miss you. Please come back soon. Tell me when you reach the airport”. As he’s putting me into the cab, I feel like in a parallel universe. All that’s happened, all the love when the one I focused on, was the only one who didn’t care. I’ve opened doors that he closed. For now the biggest field of love is awaiting me as I return. Changed, broken and repaired. Fragile and strong. Happy and hurt. With longing and peace, scattered yet wholehearted. Same same but different. 

Exhausted, tired, drained the trip takes everything out of me. The shift so harsh, my heart can barely take it. My heart stuck in India, I sit waiting for hours for my missed flight as my tears won’t stop running like a river. Can I not remember the last time I was with so much heartache. Leaving my love behind, my heart crunching, one last time it becomes clear that there was only one person who did not care about my journey and my heart while all everything circles around me trying to hold my hand, follow my every step, every motion to make sure this transition wouldn’t break me. A is gone. He came to leave me. The universe and everyone in it is with me in this hardest time change and shift into another world.