The Independent Princess

11:11:11:11. The chosen one. The last days have broken. Half a year of journey in this world that has shown me my most fragile self as well as my strongest. A journey that’s been trying to break me multiple times, push me over my limits repeatedly from the beginning until the very end. Each time another young man sent, promising to protect me, only so to feel safe enough to trust, to let my guard down, to love and let go of what may have been my experiences, to then when I feel in a safe space, I feel loved and held to be confronted with the same pain of not being appreciated, cared for or loved but pushed away, over the edge, far out into darkness without a warning. Rejected. Left without my understanding or involvement. 

My aggressions, my defense mechanisms gradually growing over time, becoming angry as my soul trying to protect me from more harm. It didn’t work. As it is not me. It never has been. I’m trusting, I’m loving, I love life. I love Love. I wanna be free, happy, trusting in connection without building a wall around my heart and soul. I didn’t want to accept the truth of being left behind over and over again when I was promised love. When I was promised loyalty. When I saw the light of my values being met. Of my needs being taken care of. 

Again I let my guard down for the hardest fall of all. The last one before I can crawl up into the arms of the people who love me truly. Who have no intention of leaving me or hurting me but who for weeks convey their excitement for my existence returning physically to their space. 

My mom telling me on the phone: “your dad is in euphoria, telling everyone he knows that you’re coming back.” I drop some tears, for my friends who keep reassuring me how much they love me, how much they’re looking forward to seeing me again, taking all the time for me to heal with me. It makes my heart feel so warm. Finally I can feel protected and safe. Come as you are and I’ll embrace you. Truly. And hold you to not let you go. 

I needed someone who would fight for me, protect my heart because he could see how soft it is. Because he would understand how deep, loving and fragile it is. Not because I couldn’t fight for myself, I still do. But because I wanted to feel loved. I wanted for someone to choose me over themselves. I wanted to be the chosen one. 

My heart in unmeasurable pain for the last love when it broke my heart into the tiniest pieces I could imagine. Twice. I wanted it too much. My vision becoming too blurry for the reality where I’ve been rejected clearly, holding on to words that weren’t about to come true. I didn’t want to accept it. Took them for truth, in my longing for protection and love. 

Yet I feel deeply blessed for all the encounters for me to grow, to step into my strength, to know my worth. To know not to let people walk all over me. Men. When there is all the love out there that I could never imagine. 

In a world that is so unpredictable, ever changing, I was looking for stability, for continuity, for consistency. I couldn’t find it. Yet. And still I found love more than once. Don’t I want to deny that they may have loved me, if even for a moment. Being lucky enough to experience love for a little while. Isn’t this all worth living for ?!

Do I feel such bliss in the here and now, the universe at no point leaving me without guidance even when I felt lost in spaces, it would catch me before hitting rock bottom. I’m not falling down, I’m falling up. 

I wish I didn’t have walk this path of the last days alone. I wish someone would hold my hand and guide me through this transition, making me feel safe in this journey though i know I know I need to do this for myself now. On my own. As I’ve come, so I go.