The Matrix
Any input mentally or material, nothing sticks. Everything runs through me, into nowhere. Lost in my disoriented body and mind. Holding the keys of three flats for me to live in, offered by them for me to stay, to live, to be for however long I want. „Lina. You’re back. How long will you be staying? Would you take care of my flat?“ another key. Another offer.
My head spinning with all the information, all the love of my sweet souls, wanting to be with me. Moving from one place to the next. When are you coming back to me? Again and again I hear the when and where and what, forgetting it, making notes in my calendar, overwhelmed. Another time, another place, another friend. Coffee, biscuits, tea, cheese, bread, going to dinner, wine, beer, liquor, chocolates, gifts. My body a representation of mind, not holding all the delicious treats I’ve been missing for so long.
More offers. Do you need anything? Here I cleaned one drawer out for you and some more clothes. Do you need a backpack? What do you want to eat? Here is your birthday gift. Is it Nikolaus already? Here are your favorite chocolates. Are you ok? You miss anything? The flow of offers uninterrupted like my last caretakers in the mountains. I’m blessed. Home. Home is where people love you.
It’s 5 AM. Day three. Tired. I can’t sleep anymore. Still the same thoughts going back and forth in my half awake mind. About him. A. I wanna let him go. All the hurt he’s been causing me. All the chosen disconnectedness, his words, blaming me, then loving me, then pushing me away, taking my existence. I don’t know him. I don’t know what love is. Only his mother loves him. Unconditionally. Hanging on, to that boy I’ve met three months before in a far away country. A boy who was full of love, faith, courage, romanticism, idealism and life. A boy who wanted to give me his all, marriage, children. I will never let you go. No matter how hard. I will always fight for you. He disappeared. On all levels. I fought for him. He ignored me. Pushed me into darkness over and over again. I didn’t want it to be true. I’ve seen his light, I’ve seen his heart. Bravely he had come after me to get to know me, sharing his deepest, most inner stories, wanted to face his hurt, his shadows with me. Wanted to grow, to change, break through the old patterns, coping mechanisms, hurting him to find love, love the love he’s always dreamed of. And so did I. I wanted to pursue that dream. He didn’t. He turned away for two of three months I wasn’t welcome in his life. He decided to stay in his world without me. All thoughts have been thought. All words said. I didn’t want to let go until taking the hurt became too much. Too much of ever lived suffering I all know too well. Too often I’ve lived through it. Until I understood that there was no connection to be held on to anymore. The more I build, the more he cut. I know the pain. I know the process.
I came to a place so full of love, so abundant that I find myself drowning in tears from the overwhelming care as I feel the evidence of his rejection becoming so evident that I cannot live in denial anymore for the hurtful truth of not being wanted.
The skies are grey, the air is cold. I sit in the train I listen to her words. She’s got me. As my others do too. Holding the space for me in such empathy that my tears won’t stop running down my cheeks. The abundance of understanding, of giving me everything in a time where I feel irritated, lost and between worlds a place of pure compassion is created around me. A space of warmth, friendship, trust and everlasting dedication to us. Human connection. When the world seems like a place so full of confusion, I’m being nourished like a child. Held with the utmost attention. I can breathe. I can be. Where I am. How I am.
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