The Ghosts Disappear

 

Coming home after what’s been almost two years, making me feel lost, out of space, in a matrix like I’ve arrived in the wrong world. A cold one. One that’s dark, fast, disconnected as I am. Starting with hours of delay in tears in this artificial lights of shopping mall vibes, I sit and can barely breathe. My view getting blurry from my tears. My heart can barely take it. I’m shaking in agony, pain. I want to vanish. Barely have I felt such yearning. I want to go back. To that warm place that I’ve spent over half a year. A place that despite all  pain made me feel like I was ok. Like I was held in space and time no matter what. Even throughout the last months of heartbreak, of overwhelming suffering from what I thought would be love, I would feel Mother Earth holding me, curing me. I was healing, deeply connected. Growing beyond what I knew I was capable of in the darkest place of having been abandoned, mistreated, used and thrown away multiple times; I would feel my heart expanding in love. For myself and for life. For all that’s been given to me, all that’s been done for me. All that was manifesting for me each and every day in my pain to soothe me, comfort me, make me feel more alive than ever, transporting me into deep gratitude and happiness for what was and is. 

All that I was able to learn about myself and life, settling inside of me, feeling that my existence wasn’t depending on people that I expected to love me so when they would throw me away, I could stand on my own feet. More secure, more stable, more confident and happy than ever before. My friendships, my relationships exceeding into spaces I wasn’t aware were possible. The love so deep, so empathetic that I felt my heart overflowing, bursting with compassion and gratitude. 

Now I’m back for a what’s been a month already, in that world that I chose to leave behind long time ago. Weeks have passed, life feels normal and the gratitude returns in a different form. 

Feeling like a ghost, unseen, blind in a dark place full of robots, stress and absent minds, I find myself blessed in many ways. Given space, warmth, attention and care, preparing my own safe space, creating an oasis in a place I wouldn’t choose for my life, bringing me sense and freedom. No matter where I am, I receive the empathy, the abundant empathy of the people I care most about. 

For what I thought I missed, reappearing in different shapes and forms, moving me to tears…and to different places. 

When I see her words asking me to be her best woman, my heart breaks open. So deeply touched, so unexpected from someone that I haven’t seen in so long, opening my path for a new journey. Tears, rolling down my face. Tears from happiness and humility. This beautiful being, choosing me by her side for this most important time of her life. Opening doors for when my soul partner arrives, I will be on a new path. With her by my side. Moving through the countries to reconnect to the ones I collected on my trip. The trip. Slowly towards the sun. The South. Again. Step by step to arrive in her brightest day. 

Leaving the doors open to what’s home, a different home. A luxurious space for me. Another set of keys in my hands. Four rooms. A huge living room. Padded armchairs, three rooms. The lights are bright, my jaw dropping. „You can choose any room you like. Once a week a cleaning person is coming. Enjoy“. Berlin. For me. 

With my family, home, what we’ve been waiting for. Long time. May it be the connector to a new world to when I return, to this new place to live, to be and relax. To calm my soul to find what comes next. An adventure I wouldn’t know, yet feeling it coming, accompanied by all these beautiful souls I found on my way. Who found me. To not let me go but to stay. To stay for wherever we are. I can only feel amazement and gratitude. For more. 

When she comes to see me, walking the city, lending me her ear to know about my journey, I feel safe, heard, appreciated. „Pick whatever you want. Take more. It’s Christmas. And we’re inviting you for dinner“. I go from one person to the next, overthrown with gifts. Little gadgets I may need on my way. 

My heart is filled, my mind tired. It’s still too dark but my heart is glowing. Looking at busses, trains, planning the next steps, my heart is jumping with excitement. 

Leipzig. Another home. Seeing him in a different setting. Last time it’s been the country of my heart. This time a place I know for long. A place that connects a love. A love from that same country. Another love I thought would be mine, only one year before. A love that broke me. I thought. Until one year later when I had to go through the same pain. A different way. Another learning, so similar, yet again new. I feel complete. I feel understanding. The ghosts have left. They disappear. The Angels remain. The unworthy are leaving, the worthy stay. The Universe won’t leave us in the dark, but show us the light. When we don’t want to understand, we bleed. I was bleeding. I still am at times, only now, my bleeding is staunched, the pain relieved by my own heart on those of my loved ones. 

The air is clear, the atmosphere cold, yet warming me throughout the hardship. „This is so painful. It’s the worst someone can ever do to you.“ It is. It was. By choice. Yet blind. Blind and scared for their own life they couldn’t help themselves but transfer their pain to the mirror. Thinking they could get rid of it by putting it on someone else. Yet they carry it. And they will. We will. Until we turn away from the mirror to look at ourselves. And become who we truly are. Love.