Union and Love

 Hello, sweet grief

I know you'll be the death of me

Feel like the morning after ecstasy

I am drowning in an endless sea

Hello, old friend

Here's the misery that knows no end

So I'm doing everything I can

To make sure I never love again

I wish that I did not know

Where all broken lovers go

I wish that my heart was made of stone

Yeah, if I was bulletproof

I'd love you black and blue

If I was solid like a jewel

If I had a diamond heart, oh-oh

I'd give you all my love, if I was unbreakable

If I had a diamond heart, oh-oh

You could shoot me with a gun of gold, if I was unbreakable

You took a shot, it took you down

But not a single drop of blood fell

It hit you hard, it took you out

And left you bleeding in a dry spell

What were you thinking?

Why did you let go?

I was still holding you

What were you thinking?

Why didn't I know

When I was right there with you?

And there it was. A reminder. It was time again. After quite some time in peace, happiness and process. AK. Im standing in the kitchen peeling the chickpeas one by one. Meditation. As this morning in my seat he reappeared in front of my inner eye. Sequences of a lost love. A painful love that asked me not to repeat the same mistake again.  My phone is beeping. A. It’s A. Telegram. Literally. Closing and locking the doors has helped for some weeks. Modern technology broke through my locking methods. I look at the Himalayan salt. From where he’s broken my heart. AK. The same letters. I sigh deeply. My whole body is becoming shaky. I wanna throw my phone out of sight for a while. Preferably out the window. I start jumping around the kitchen for a moment. Why is no one here to take this device away from me that can cause so much destruction in my hands right now? Now! I think I’m losing my mind… don’t let me down. The radio supportive as ever. Stop existing in my phone. 11:11. Really?! Almost. Sentences start flying in turmoils through my head. I seek rescue in my friends. It helps. Remember. Lock him away. Delete. Stretching into my last yoga asana, I’m brave once more for my own sake. The red trash can is my icon of choice. A has disappeared once more. Only from the screen of my phone though. Not from my heart, mind or head. Yet. 

Dancing through the living room, singing my heart and lungs out while the rain is pouring, the thunder rumbling, it’s darkest night. If I had a diamond heart. I sit in the swing. I sing louder. I need it. The mountains moving in front of me. Some tears rising up. 

My friends left, the smell of my creative fusion cooking still hanging under the high ceilings of my new beautiful flat in the heart of Berlin. My castle for the time being. An old, modernized spacious home, my house that feels like I could spend the entire winter here. Luckily my lovely friend from the far East that my heart is longing, by my side. The one I missed when we both were on the other side of the world, in her home, when I didn’t get to see her say yes in her beautiful colorful Sari with the black coal in her eyes. The Universe wanted to see us together in these dark days. „It’s a curry. Please teach me some of your cooking“. Like the first night, my first one I’m finding her on my couch crying as do I when we first get to talk after what’s been two years of separation and heartbreak. I wish I would have been there for you in this hard time. She won’t be the last one saying this. „I will teach you but you already cook like an Indian. And I need you to teach me yoga. I need some motivation“. I want to know the secrets of the eastern cuisine. Her heart, melting into mine. I missed her. Her special day, she’s returned to me for a perfect symbiosis of holding one another in times of struggle. 

It was Friday night. Only a good 24 hours back. My mom holding space for a night, hugging me in the morning when I lay by her side in bed like a child. Her child, I am. 

Taking a whole day for me, she’s on time to share a family brunch, moving with me. Only 15 minutes into my new home. I’m not alone. Not nowhere. 

I’m so happy we got to see each other. Lina you know I would be happy to see you in Berlin at the end of March. I would really love to see you. Anyway you’re in Europe and that means you’re so close and reachable. 

Close and reachable. My heart is. 

Moving. Removing, renovating, rearranging. My family with me. The next night I will see her again with my dad and another bottle of white wine. Three days. Three times her. Three times my mom. The last pieces to pick up. The run to the bakery. I’m hungry. My breakfast ordered the day before. The smell of my freshly baked pizza roll pastry with cheese, irresistible. When only later after I give him a smile through the window on my way back to grab the first piece of my caramelized sugar cinnamon puff pastry with heavy butter, I recognize that he’s packed me two instead of one. He received my smile before I knew. Too much kindness swinging throughout my first days. As this Sunday will move on with more friends sharing their insights, showing their compassion. Some tears roll down my face while I’m listening to him as I walk to see her. Oh. Oh she’s so empathic. The headphones still in my ears, she comes running towards me, a smile in her face, laughing, hugging me. As I remember her. We decide for cocktails. A delicious Vietnamese dinner, two aperol and a beautiful friend who I had missed for the same two years. I remember. Looking at her I realize how much I can learn from her. I seem to have forgotten some of their qualities. They look different than two years ago. Only one thing hasn’t changed. Their love for me. Mine for them has. It’s been growing so much as I receive more and more. „You know sometimes I’m getting scared of the happiness. I mean look at me. Everything is perfect. Nothing to complain. My boyfriend, beautiful child. All everything over the last years has been so good“. Focus. I look at her. She’s found the key to the universe. To success, happiness and abundance. Her undeniable positivity since kindergarten. I can see now. Her own making all of it. Has she suddenly and unexpected gotten pregnant, had to work hard and long hours over years, burning out, living in a flat right next to me that’s way to small for the new family whose partner and father goes into depression from all the pressure, struggling financial issues, having alcoholic and narcissistic mothers, fighting through every day with the little time they have, giving their boy a loving life - she sees abundance, she feels deep happiness and gratitude so much as that it’s scaring her how lucky she is. She’s not. She’s a great manifester, most of all because she may not be aware of her precious skill, far ahead of the biggest share of the rest of human kind, sharing her kindness, care and open heart with me. Blessings. 

I could have not wished for anything more in these days. When every day I feel love. When every day I’ve been reminded of how much I matter. Wherever I go. Home. She calls to ask me permission to rearrange the rooms. Her house. My heart is melting. It’s hers. No.   I want you to have your space. I wanted to ask you before I change anything. My mom. My old home finally to herself. I drop some tears. 

My phone is beeping again. Oh ♥️ she gives me courage. 

I gather them around my house. Each day. The kitchen inviting me to cook my most fine creations, the living room inviting with warmth, embracing everyone no matter how dark the outside, they’re bringing the light. Moving between the rooms, swinging, studying the ancient wisdoms of life from India, moving through the flow, dancing…

Not at last…Unstoppable. 

All smiles, I know what it takes to fool this town

I'll do it 'til the sun goes down

And all through the nighttime

Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah, I'll tell you what you wanna hear

Leave my sunglasses on while I shed a tear

It's never the right time

Yeah, yeah

I put my armor on, show you how strong I am

I put my armor on, I'll show you that I am

I'm unstoppable

I'm a Porsche with no brakes

I'm invincible

Yeah, I win every single game

I'm so powerful

I don't need batteries to play

I'm so confident

Yeah, I'm unstoppable today

Unstoppable today

Break down, only alone I will cry out loud

You'll never see what's hiding out

Hiding out deep down

Yeah, yeah

I know, I've heard that to let your feelings show

Is the only way to make friendships grow

But I'm too afraid now