Eine Portion Lina hat noch niemandem geschadet

 

Having said this, coming from her sweet angel lips it seems to be sent out into the Universe, across the globe for all the ones I love to hear.
Day three. It’s Sunday. Grey. Rain. Like the world wants to end as it has been for months now.
Ich bin so dankbar, dass du mich auf diesem Weg begleitest. Ich liebe dich!

Ich danke dir für alles mein Herz. Ich liebe dich so sehr. She’s softly holding my head, kneeling in front of me, caressing my skin, kissing my forehead, my cheeks, my lips, looking deep into my eyes, holding me in her arms. Intimacy. Deep trust, connectedness, vulnerability, love and pain all at the same time. You make me feel so light. I haven’t felt this lightness in such a long time. Open space. For us to be. Your face it's so timeless, so beautiful. You could be 25 or anything else...  

A call, a note, a message, for love. Are you there? Can you listen to me? Somehow my heart is hurting. This was the first time. I feel change. From all sides. It's only yet to start. With her trusting me with her pain, putting her head next to mine, holding my hand. Can we please sleep together? I don't want to sleep alone. Not now. Reminding me of my last Angel visitor, touching my cheek, kissing my hand in the morning when she was leaving, forcing some tears out of my eyes. This sweet love. This love I'm blessed to be feeling, receiving, that I've been craving for all my life, without any expectations but in opposite.

She's looking at me like she sees me for the first time. Like I'm the only thing that matters, the only thing in existence that can make this moment right as it is. Magic. Like nothing else in this world could be more beautiful, more perfect than being in and around my energy. Unique. Special. Inexchangeable. I think back of two weeks before. All the admiration I became part of by him. My trainer, my coach, my teacher, looking at me in pride unable to stop looking at me repeating himself: "I cannot believe it. I am so proud of you. Baby, believe me when I say this? I cannot believe it's you. You really have changed so much, I could have not guessed what I told you two years ago." I see tears rising up his eyes while he will repeat this to me over and over again. Like a proud parent, like a person who lives for my success, for my growth, my path. Solely to be celebrated with each move, in each decision. "You know she's that kind of woman who is already gotten stabbed five times arising again and again like nothing has happened, her head held high. A queen. That's why I love and admire her so much." Again his eyes sparkling. "Oh baby, I cannot believe it. Can I hug you again?" He hugs me for the tenth time, kissing me on my lips, excited for me.

Like She's sitting here now, coming to see me to share her heart with me, to find a place where she can breathe. Be. You're such a gift. I am so happy to have you. 

Again. I feel this unbelievable gratitude, how blessed can one be?! These waves. They only have been starting just yet. 

Day three I said. Grey, walking across the cemetary to finally get some air in my lungs, some movement in my legs, my heart in bliss, my body and mind getting lost. In space, in happiness, in gratitude and in the terrain that I can't find the exit from. I don't need to. I wanted to move, now I do as the rest of the Universe does too. Sending love from all places. I thank you so so much for everything love. I don't know what I've done and I know she feels the same.

Getting lost in the spring flowers and old graves I receive a message from my latest mirror of learnings, asking me out for another trip, telling me he would come by to pick me up (car number 3) whenever I'm ready. Coming to show me how to truly accept someone without intention, without expectation, there to show me how to value someone for their pure existence, as a human being, a person, a friend, getting to know one another without having to draw constant attention to the fact that I'm of the opposite sex. How Beautiful I am, the only one, admiring me, sugarcoating me, love bombing me, promising me. For their own sake.

This is new to me. Something I haven't seen or felt before. No unnecessary words. No empty, meaningless phrases. No one to save. Someone stable. Someone happy. Someone who doesn't look for belonging but for extension. Someone who doesn't need his hand to be held but who wants to share who is with me. Freely, without games or false intentions. Strange, irritating, at times uncomfortable, I find myself learning to feel comfortable in the surrounding of a person who is whole as he is without needing me, yet choosing me. He's asking me for another trip. Another trip into nature. First Sunday: Car number one and two. Cherry blossom, Aspargus eating, castle, little beautiful village outside Berlin, my light and happy heart in the sunshine that's finally feeling some sort of happiness, freedom and travel inspiration again. Ice cream to finish it all off. As if he knew. The best place in Berlin. He reminds me of someone close. He knows so much. Easy, flexible and spontaneous with the horizon of a giraffe on a ladder.

It's where we're coming from. The Eye for the ironic details of Life. Our backgrounds so similar when all else seems to be just completely different. The things we like, the things we do, the way we live, the things we know, the way we communicate or.. do not. And yet. There is this feeling that the essence is just the same. Sitting in car three and four one week later, laughing along with the little things that yet seem to be so fundamental for me. This communication that seems however far away from what I know, strangely motionless, not giving me any emotion to hold on to, no compliment, no admiration or adoration, somehow yet working sometimes with less words than I would know. Going from one thing into the next without discussing it before, agreeing on it or even knowing what's next, it seems to flow naturally with whatever we do, along with life. Not fancy, not loud, not colorful, not spectecular, no butterflies or fireworks. But calm, quiet understanding sneaking through us, not too deep, not too shallow but most definitly fresh and new to any encounter I can remember. Something that feels healthy. That feels normal, unexcited in the best way possible.  I think about all our similar childhood and teenage memories that we have, going way back to the same background, giving this new encounter some sort of basic ground, ease and comfort. 

Ending like the week before, tired and happy from the couch in his bed, I feel like I'm over a friend's place. No 'do you wanna come to my place?', no 'do you want to eat?', no 'do you want to sleep over?', no 'but I have to wake up early tomorrow so you will have to leave'. Instead: We're getting the fourth car, going for another ice cream. He's driving home without me asking any questions as I haven't for the entire trip without knowing where we were going. Walking up the stairs of his house, laughing about the little failures of the day, he opens a bottle of red wine. Starting to cook pasta. 'you don't eat fish right?!' Easy. It's already become late again and I know I will sleep over. I also know I do not need to ask. 

Not does he text me, not does he tell me in any words that he wants to be with me, get to know me or how happy he is or what he wants. Instead, he's there. When he is. He acts on what he wants. 'Do you need a blanket? Are you cold?' I nod. The movie is playing across his living room wall. He has moved the couches around so we can lie next to each other, each for themselves. 'Why did you not tell me that you're cold huh?' The first time in my practice with him I did not express one of my needs and he.... Sees it, confronts me. It touches me. Grounded he is. There as he is. No theatre, no show off, no lies, no promises, no big words but only wanting me to be me. As the movie finishes, I get up and move to the bed room, to his big cozy cinderella bed. 'I'm going to sleep' is the only thing I say. It's after midnight, I feel completely exhausted and happy. I hear the shower running, I remember my extra toothbrush, he gave me the week before. I smile. 'And she's already sleeping' he's mocking in a low voice when he returns from the bathroom. I giggle. It's just comfortable.

The morning goes as easy as all the day before. Naturally he's getting up without an alarm to get going to his self established business that he passionately works for as I'm slowly trying to wake up. 'I wish you a beautiful day, just close the door behind you when you're leaving' he comes to hug me goodbye. The only moment when our time together ends, that I feel like I don't know what move to make as I don't wanna overwhelm either one of us though I would be more than drawn to embrace him, lie with him, hold his hand. Maybe.

The day is made for me. I feel happy and at ease. The outside is grey again but my Loves are loud. My phone won't stop popping messages. My gratitude growing, realizing how lucky I am to have this many souls in my life, who truly are there, always there, making me feel like I am the only important thing that exists in this world. Like I matter. Like a world without me would be a darker place. Like a world without me would be very hard to bear. It's moving all through me, first emotionally when I walk through the morning cold of the city, finally manifesting physically when the sun salutations flow through me, not wanting to end. Up and down, the sun slowly shining through the clouds as well through me, my strength arising, my phone popping more messages. My energy high up in the sky, I use my flow power to step out. Green, a small river. Switzerland. As yesterday. Number one, number two. I listen. I get this feeling...What if... And then I hear her voice and my tears start dropping out of my eyes. Flowing down my cheeks like the tiny river moving in front of me. 

'My Girl. Lovely. I want to go back home. I saw that there's something special coming up at the end of May and I was wondering what you wanted to do for your birthday. And I was wondering if I should take tickets to Berlin to celebrate your birthday together. It would be fun to see each other again.'

Birthday there it is again. As he said only a week ago. He started manifesting, as I was already getting a panic attack. Now I know why. I cannot believe my ears. I'm so happy. A miracle. I haven't spoken to her in so long, all across the globe like half my entourage. Timing, places, it's everything and slowly it seems for this time it may evolve some more around home. The house, The Garden. Black and white I was thinking. Two-dimensional. Home or travel. One is right, one is wrong when slowly the worlds are mixing, my feelings, my views, my experiences. When all I care about is the ones I love. Making space to make sure to spend time with me. No matter where I will be or when I will leave. Old and new. Why cut something off before it had the chance to exist when I even don't know where I will exist. 

The phoenix rising from the ashes a few weeks ago, literally transforming into different aspects of themselves. Aspects I've bben missing, aspects I've never known before, understandings newly arising, opening perspectives that have been hidden from my eyes before like the horizons of a kneeling ant.

Thank you for you. I Love You.