A Perfect Ending
I can feel the heat risin'
Everything is on fire
Today's a painful re-
Minder of why
It can only get brighter
The further you put it behind ya
But right now I'm on the
Inside lookin' out, ‘cause
I opened all doors for him, one too many times, he shut them all right into my face within the blink of an eye. It appears to me as if The Universe was sending you him as the last test before this journey so you are ready for a new chapter says she who opened the door for him. I feel truth. I knew May would bring change and shifts, growth and transformation, turmoil. Only I didn't know in what ways, connecting all my time here from the first to the last day in a beautiful circle, bringing relief. Relief from all my heartache as the last day has broken. The last days of what seemed endless six months never knowing when they end or where they started. From India to Germany and backwards. All coming back to me in a rush, a flash of time and people when I'm about to leave. All this heartache slowly exploding into endless streams of tears for the last two weeks they have connected the world and back to the person that I once thought I loved and caused me endless pain. Love or help my dad says in the last minutes sitting in the sun before I board the train. That’s what I thought. I decided for love, I can’t help him.
Crashing into my life like a thunder storm from one moment to the next, reconnecting I didn't know what he wanted. My whole nervous system, breaking down immediately. I needed to be careful, my body ringing alert from the first moment he contacted me. My happiness, curiosity and hope to reconnect with him on a level of love and care, building substance for it could potentionally become a friendship; complete failure. Linchen he wrote. The name that only loved ones call me since I was a child. It touches my heart immediately. It was the openenig and closing word of love. As only insults, disrespect, ignoring and self-centeredness were about to follow. Has he once called me rational thinking it was the opposite of emotional, seeing him now on the other side. When I was rationally emotional, trying to create a true connection, love, compassion, a bond that could last, he was standing on the other side irrationally disconnected.
Today more than ever. It hurt. Like a see through glass bubble around him he allows no human connection to come in, at least not through me. I’m not for him. His own words, forming his thoughts blindfolding him for what's reality, protecting him from more hurt and therefore love as there’s no filter for emotions to keep outside, he's rejecting life itself. Anything connected to it. Like dead inside he's rejecting my dedication, my care, the love and protection that I'm offering still after all he's done. No words are left for me for when immediately after the first and only kind phone call he starts playing his abusive, manipulative behavior on me. Promising me from now on he will be there, he will care for me, he wants to be my friend, to hold me, to respect and interact with me, it only takes a blink of an eye to break the promises as made. Just as I remember six months ago. Shifting within seconds he knows no shame in using his words to give out false intentions, false hope for me, only to use me for what he needs. Why did he come back? I'm asking myself but deep inside I know. I see torn soul, more torn inside than I ever knew, hard to watch, painful to see. His intellectual mind is giving him the knowledge of what would be good and right to do but his heart is so far away, locked in a cage and he cannot live it. Acting like an arrogant asshole, degrading me, pushing me away, blaming me for his own pain as I become the messenger of his hurt when one minute before and the one after he claims to respect and appreciate me. Flying around like a leaf in the wind he's tearing my heart apart for the three days that I try to keep holding on to hope, giving my all in the same circles I already knew from back then.
Too many hours I find myself already in the same position that I've left before only this time it's clear. It was clear from the first minute he got in touch with me. My everything, my mind, my body, my heart and spirit rejecting him. My body crunching at the latest when he starts insulting me, feeling like it's slowly been filled up with deadly poison. So toxic that my nervous system is shrilling so alarmingly loud to step out right here that I know I cannot ignore it.
I couldn't see it back then. Far away from that I wanted to be love, that I thought he loved me, that every time he rejected parts of me, degrading me, looking down on me, laughing at me, using me for my knowledge, skills and heart, I wasn't able to see through it to his pain. I doubted myself, thought I could fix it. Thought I wasn't good enough or too much for him. I was baring with it, holding on to it, wanted to love him as I could feel his cry deep down inside of me. I didn't respect myself as he didn't.
Coming back to my safe space, no matter how much hurt came out in the darkest days of winter in the longest process, it lead me to where I am now. Here back with him, in shock from when he turned the first insulting word towards me without noticing, talking like a waterfall as if I was no human being. The moments of shock of not understanding how a human being could possibly treat someone with such coldness, such disrespect and such indifference as if I did not even exist, opening my eyes to my new self that under no circumstances could accept such detached arrogant behavior of anyone anymore. Not in my life. This life that's been so filled with love, purity every day, with compassion, care, intimacy and softness overtaking me like a dark cloud of the cold winter hours covering me in irritation, fear and anxiety, a dark energy from this person that I clearly needed to find escape from.
In these last days of safe space, unexpectedly being confronted with what has hurt me over such a long time. Through so many months across the largest distance over the globe. All the hows and whys finally answered in no time with no doubt to be left, no door to be opened again as this time he did not even feel shame to show me his face directly. No attempt of even convincing me that there was any benefit for me of even knowing him. A few weak words that didn't even come across as being genuinely from the heart as only minutes later he will disappear. Despite a split second that I thought he felt his heart in pain, only moments later he manages to show me in every way possible how little I mean to him. How little interest he has in knowing who I am, how I am feeling, what I have been through what my path is or anything to do with me at all. This world is about him as he has decided love is not for him. Because love grows out of vulnerability. Out of facing our own deamons, our trauma, our pains, over and over again. Something we cannot do in our head but that we have to work and live through all our lives to find new solutions and strategies, behavior that connects us with one another to create networks of safe spaces, love, care and belonging. Belonging that we all need.
He decided to not go down that path of healing. He decided to find more excuses, terms and names -words- for his inappropriate hurful behavior. Finding new philosophies to live after that exclude what he believes will cause him more pain, denying it, suppressing it, wanting it to disappear, instead of taking a look in the mirror and asking where the source of all this is buried, embracing it, looking at it, accepting it and compassionately working with it. Making it his friend, not his enemy as now the whole world of emotions has become his enemy making me his number one. Judging me, ignoring me, rejecting me as he is rejecting himself. I can’t help. I want love instead.
Three days before leaving going through a short and draining exchange, draining me so much again, that my entire vitality is going down. Three days enough to know that there is no strength or capacity from the other side of the world that could do me any good. Enough time to know to cut the cord this time fully. Block it out, enter a new journey, finally without him when there was nothing to be safed.
Endless words of love and courage I dedicated to him one last time. Old and new articles coming from my heart, about him, about us, about connection, not to be heard, not be read but to be ignored, judged, broken and rejected. Not in many years has any soul faced me with such coldness. Such disrespect and indifference. Time to let go of what has burdened my soul for an entire season.
The new season starting with all the people I love. Breathing deeply I sit on the floor of this beautiful house I have called my home for almost three months. A safe space, a place for me to grow and expand, find myself, be loved and held in empathy and intimacy to learn what it truly means to be surrounded by love even when times get hard. Especially when times get hard. They have brought me here, closer than ever to the people I love the most in my life. My beautiful beautiful family who has become softer with me, growing with me. Each and every one of them, moving closer to my heart, making me feel safer and warmer than ever before. Holding me closer to their heart than in my first journey. Looking me deeply into my eyes, holding my hand, tears start running down my face. It's my last night, my mom across the table "When will you come back?" My brother and dad next to me. "We need to find her a new house". I'm looking at them. I don't want to come back. This was hard. It was healing but it took so much from me. The last hours, it's goodbye after they tried to see me for all the last days again and again, making me feel important in their life, I'm making my way now to the places where all my hearts will reconnect. The starting point of my journey where everyone I found to love in this world will gather to open the path for my new journey.
A journey that I don't know where it will take me that I only know where it starts. With me here. Now. "When is your train leaving?" he asks. Again. My dad. For two weeks now he will use every moment to catch me. "I can be there same time as yesterday so we can hang out a bit. I'll cut short on work." I start crying again. It's the last moments in so much company. A gift from my mom, the last words. So many people accompanying me, from German to India, big vibes, sending me love, good luck on my journey, asking me where I’m going, when I come back. That only one couldn't six months ago or today, I'm happy to have realized it. This is me now. The phoenix rising from the ashes.
It's a beautiful kind of pain
Settin' fire to yesterday
Find the light, find the light, find the light
Steer through life, sometimes you might not wanna swerve
But you have to
To avert a disaster
Lucky no permanent damage
'Cause they hurt you so bad
It's like they murdered your ass
And threw dirt on your casket but you've returned from the ashes
And that hurt that you have, you just converted to gasoline
And while you're burning the past, standing in the inferno and chant
It happens all the time, they take your heart and steal your life
And it's as though you feel you've died
'Cause you've been killed inside
But yet you're still alive
Which means you will survive
And with a little time that should do the healing
And by tomorrow
You may even feel so good that you're willing to forgive 'em even after
All the shit you been put through this feeling of resilience is building
And the flames are burning quick as fire would through this building
You're sealed in but you're fireproof, flame retardant, you withstood it
And as you climb up to the roof, you're just chillin' you look down
'Cause you're so over 'em
You could put the heel of your foot through the ceiling
Things change every day
But wounds, wounds heal, but scars still remain the same
But tomorrow today's going down in flames
Still a little piece of you dies as you scream
Rising, a phoenix from the flames
I have learned, from fighting fights, that weren't mine
Not with fists, but with wings that I will fly
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