Bumble Garden

 Due to current events another new episode out of Lina's non-existing dating life. Welcome back to my personal hell, the playground of dating apps and my individual practicing and learning space for how to set boundaries and not take things personally. Again.

Now I get the feeling there is an urgent need to write an encyclopedia for terms concering dating, love and relationships. Starting with romance, intimicay, sex, physical touch, connection, love, attraction, sensuality and so on. Over the course of the last weeks it appears to me that still, especially quite a number of men, seem to be in confusion about these terms, mixing them up and throwing them around as if they were giving out compliments when really I find it degrading and insulting. Really? Now really? Still? Sometimes I feel like I'm still living in the middle age. It's so frustrating.  

May I ask you a more of a deep/ personal/ sensual question? This question I read in my messenger last night. Dating App. We are supposed to meet today. Oh wow this sounded promising. He is not dumb with words. My cryptonite. But I'm more careful these days because I understand there lies the danger within. Mostly unrecognized. Idealistic me of course loves being asked questions. Questions show interest in a person right? The deeper the better you can get to know a person. 

I assume everyone who's ever tried dating apps, can already sense that this question was going into a direction I didn't appreciate. I felt it too. Only I was silently hoping for something different this time. Not the same boring old game that's been played on me for since I can remember. But yes. The question was as superficial, impersonal, immature and old as human kind itself. Or the existence of men. Same old, same old as with all the other guys before. What turns you on? Oh what a downer. So boring. So disappointing. A little immature boy who cannot think about anything better but to ask a woman that he's never met in his life, that he finds optically attractive, what she likes in bed. In which world is this the right place or time? A person you know nothing about? That you have only exchanged a few short chat conversations where she's already explained in detail what is frustrating and disappointing for her about men in the dating world - the targeting of becoming physical with the woman. And yes men still believe that this is sensual or romantic or intimate. Yes. I swear I am not making it up. It is a reality. It seems there are still enough examples out there who haven't done their homework. Who don't ask themselves the necessary questions before they go into the dating world and with all they know, frankly believe that they are looking for love when they keep confusing it with physical interaction. Where is this in any way connected? One is the body, the other one our whole being. Our heart, our soul, our mind, our personality. Our all we are. Where did we go wrong to believe having any physical touch or sexual intercourse with a person is a mirror of love? Anyone can go and have any sort of physical exchange with anyone else, without any connection, sensuality, intimicay or closeness at all. It's interexchangable between bodies. This is why we have a sex industry. This is why we can make money out of it. It's a physical act, easily separable from all the other multidimensional facets of love. 

That bonding, that growth, that getting to know the other person for who they are. All this takes time. Every person is such a complex individual being. If I desire to connect with a person, to bond, to find consent, understanding, a mutual basis for exchange I will have to bring the interest, motivation and time. I keep mentioning this because it is the fundamental basis, the most crucial starting point in any relationship and it should go without saying and yet apparently it does not. It makes me sad, disappointed and frustrated. Every time.

So this is how the conversation continued because obvioulsy now opinions need to be explained. Now we need to make it look like it was a misunderstanding. Like the intentions were different. 

I: That is not a deep or personal question depending on what you mean… If you mean it sexually you’re on the wrong path with me.

He: I understand. (Whatever he understood? I doubt he understood anything as otherwise he would have not written such a thing on a lifeless device without knowing this fragile, sensual, sensitive being behind the screen, right?)

I: Personally I don’t even like the term or know what it means if you care to explain. Is that what you meant because then we do not need to meet.

He: I got carried, I think. (A weak male excuse obviously. As old and lame as time. My personal translation: Sorry but I don't have my hormones under control and whenever I see a female that I find physically attractive I start acting like a disrespectful idiot, making comments about her body or physical intercourse. Now it comes back to me. It wasn't the first comment in the same category. But the first was way more subtle and could have been understood as a compliment with a lot of goodwill from my side. And I did take it as such. Although I found it unnessary as well. He wrote in the FIRST chat conversation: "I think you have very kissable lips") - Shit another confusion of compliments with degration to a physical aspect of a person.

I: It’s exactly what I wrote and talked about. (but who cares huh??!) Well then. Let’s keep it at that and find another body for that. Bye.

He: I need some time to think what I did. (Ah nice surprise. He is willing to reflect on what his words may have done and if it was appropriate or not). First, I apologize if I triggered you in any way. That was not my intention. Please let me know if its ok for me to explain. (An apology. Well that's nice too. Altough it's not a real apology if it was my personal trigger right? Easy way out but nice try nevertheless)

I: You haven’t triggered me (if you understand what that word means). I’ve set my boundaries for what I find inappropriate. That’s the opposite. It’s a conscious decision. Explain if you want.

He: I was not aware of your boundaries (Exactly. How would you? You don't know me and also you did not bother to consider what such a question could cause on the other side or in the long run and that it even may ruin a personal meeting before it has ever happened)
I respect you (How so?)
I respect your boundaries (Once you overstep them and I need to explain them every time instead of being mature, respectful and empathic enough to consider before if this is the time and place for such comments?)
I understand clearly that you find that question inappropriate (Do you? Then why did you ask in the first place?)
I got carried away into another topic, as well important for me (Ah the excuse again. Ah another topic. Yes that's interesting. Fascinating. It was just a topic that I was reacting to. A topic that was really important to you but not to me right? Like you felt like talking about movies but I rather wanted to talk about books. That was all the big misunderstanding. And that was so important to you that it would have to be mentioned without ever having seen the respective person (me), gotten to know her in any way or see who she is. After all it was important for YOU.)
I'm truly sorry (Well at least an apology again. Still not understanding what for)
I just felt connected to you after 5 mins from yesterday and I somehow was interested into exploring this topic. (Ah yes here we go again. The topic I've mentioned before. The sensitivity of words and their definitions. Connected he felt. Connected through a phone after five minutes right. Yes totally right? So YOU thought for YOURSELF that YOU want to explore that topic. Wow every word chosen is so far from reality. Yes. Written. In a messenger. With a stranger who's feelings you do not consider - connection right? I have another question here. How can I feel connected when I consider only my own feelings? I always thought connection needs two. Maybe I was mistaken. Or maybe you meant the connection to yourself and your desires. Yes that must be it. Exploring each others sexuality should be for sure the first thing to do over the phone before having met in person, without knowing if I even like the person or want anything to do with them in reality. Sure. I totally get that.)

You mentioned my intentions...Those are not my intentions. I wrote down something for you that I really believe in. (Umm wait what? Here you totally lost me. You wrote me this beautiful piece of poetry What turns you on? Because you really believe in it??? Where did I lose you?)

As I lie in my bed, I feel this discomfort, frustration, disappointment and anger moving through me. I was so much looking forward to meeting you. I was. I thought there could be something worth getting to know. But honestly is there when you cannot even control your sexual drive and biological urges for as long as another night? Let alone as long as you have not gotten to know the person for who they are? Who I am? That's all I've been wishing for. Someone who wants to get to know me and not act out their own urges and desires on me.

Unfortunately this little conversation right before going to bed didn't really let me sleep, waking up way too early after taking too long to fall asleep. These topics keep me awake and they will as I feel I am not only fighting for myself but for all women. I don't want any man in the 2023 get away with excuses out of the middle age because they have never wrapped their head around what they understand about love, sexuality or intimacy. Because they don't have enough courage or motivation to inform themselves about one of the most important topics in their live. Women. We are fifty percent on this planet and you're living side by side with us every day and you do not care enough to know about our hearts? Men want to be with us but don't make the necessary effort to understand us. Where we are coming from. How it must feel in this patriarchic world where we were ruled over by men for centuries. Where still every woman who exists on this planet needs to live in the subtle fear of being abused or worse. Where every day we need to be aware of the danger out there in the shape of male human beings. A danger to our well-being, our existence.

How does a man who has never thought about how it must feel to live in this world as a woman, claim to love one? How can he claim to look for love even? What could love ever mean if you simply cannot find the empathy or interest of understanding people of the other sex when you want to spend your life with them? 

This topic will cause me more sleepless nights as long as I will have to go through more of these unnecessary situations. As it is the topic closest to my heart. I'm willing to never shut up abou it. Yes now we have a topic.