Frozen

I have ADHD so I cannot really focus on reading your messages and I just developed that habit of selective listening so I just didn’t really listen to your voice message. You know my judgemental mind was thinking why is she telling me all this…

It's five in the morning. Again I'm lying in bed, thinking about his words. Thinking of how we could rebuild a connection that could possibly be different from the one we had. A stable one, a healthy connection where I can trust him, he can be there for me, show me that he cares about me as a human being. A person with a heart. I can’t believe what I'm hearing the words coming out of his mouth. I'm in shock. There is this split second of space in between where I try to feel deep inside of me as he keeps talking like a watefall while I'm in my head in total disbelief of how he could possibly say such arrogant things to me. How he could possibly degrate me on such a low level and not even noticing it. Have I not noticed him doing this before? Is this new? No. It's exactly what has destroyed us. It's that harsh truth that I did not want to face. A person so busy with his own mind that he has no capacity to care about the human being on the other side. So trapped, entangled in his mind that there is no empathic connection to the outside. Like a storm raging around without noticing how his words are destroying the deepes level of connection. Cutting it, insulting all I am.

Words. One of the most powerful tools we have in human interaction and communication, not only with others but first of all with ourselves. If we use them carefully, they can help us grow, see things from different perspectives, change the narrative, open up to the world and our own emotions. If not they are the most dangerous weapon used to manipulate, gaslight, brainwash ourselves and others. He knows exactly how to use them - he thinks - becoming the most harmful weapon for himself to keep himself imprisoned in his own mind, confirming everything to himself that he wants to believe. No coming through. The danger of words his destroying everything in the same moment he's trying to build something for himself.

I want to tell him that he’s sick in his head. How he could humiliate me like this after everything? How little respect he had for me, my words, my heart, no connection, no appreciation, so disconnected that there is no space for another human being. I use the space in between to hold my breath I can't take waterfall of words running out of his mouth. My mind and heart got cut off. So harshly. So brutally and he can't feel it. I interrupt him and confront him with what he just did. The conversation goes in circles as it has in endless fights when we first met. I can feel my all everything rejecting his energy. My body, my mind, my soul, my heart telling me to go. To hang up the phone and cancel the contact immediately. No negotiations, no more convincing, no more fighting to be treated with respect like every human being deserves it.

When he disappeared for the second time I knew the universe had done me the biggest favor to safe my life. I couldn’t have cut myself loose, too deeply was I involved in manipulations, doubting my senses despite all the heartache he was causing me every day. Despite feeling totally disconnected, disrespected and abused. My heart’s longing wasn’t strong enough to face the truth. The truth of his unfailing protection mechanisms. So intact that there was no coming through.

His biggest enemy inside of his head, a manipulation machinery, holding him back from his own growth. His own thoughts twisting words to create new reality that is yet the same as they don't come into manifestation but create a bigger space between thoughts and being. Desperately trying to find relief in the outside by changing words around in his own mind believing them, thinking he has created a new, better reality. Thinking he has understood life by cutting out everything that has hurt him before. Radically changing his perspective, not though the source of all his pain. The patterns of blindfolding himself by using the power of words like out of the books, not realizing that they are not the world but he is. Words that promised him answers, that promised him truth in his safe space when he wasn’t capable of facing existence on his own as he still cannot. Still that child that is so strongly identified with his pain that he can’t break through the the pure heart that he’s talking about but never really felt. A world made of words artificially and far from reality. Creating his reality in his own safe space not to be ever reached by love. Criticism, judgement, disconnection, dissociation, denial, abusive, disrespectful behavioral patterns in the attempt to keep people small so he won’t have to face his own vulnerability. 

Artificially trying to force to change reality by choosing different words to make me hear what I wanted to hear what I wish was changing in his heart when the only way to come through to that is long lasting processes, that take time to undergo, live through pains instead of pushing them out and away by taking on philosophies that promise to have strategies to live without pain. Denial. Bigger than Buddha or the Dalai Lama he believes his convincing thoughts created through his own phrasing, his own meticulously chosen words. Struggling. When clarity comes he wants to break through but then it's too hard to bare again and he pulls out, steps back, pushes me away, trying to manipulate me when I set my boundaries for respect. Unconscious. When he's there, he's warm, when I lose him, he turns cold. I have so much love for him but I cannot safe him as he does not want to keep me safe.

 

No space for my mere existence. Opening his mouth it's about him, his life, what he wants. What do you want? I ask. He answers I want to shed my skins, learn, change and you're the only one who sees through me. Everything evolving around him. No reciprocity. And again he doesn't even notice. No capacity to notice that he is in a communication with another human being. Another human being with a complexity of emotions, experiences and a heart so fragile that every word feels like a degger piercing a new hole inside it. It's about him. He wants me to be his therapist. Not his friend. He doesn't want to care for me, to know how I am feeling, what is going on in my mind or life. I am a burden. My existence is.

I feel it coming back to me from the past. How I was fighting with my own existence feeling too much in his presence. Always too much as he feels too much for himself. I feel hopeless. I see a struggling boy who is so deeply entangled with everything he believes that he keeps cheating himself, manipulating, blocking everything from the outside that could possibly help him step out of his self made prison. He is not there yet. The fight is too hard. Rejecting every word I say, twisting them, turning them on me when I get to him, he's puttting his hurt on me, the next second claiming that he wants me in his life. Only he doesn't want me for me. Only one time, the first time after six months talking to me he managed to ask me about my life. Remembering small details, connecting my life to his. Already the next day everything vanished when I share my intimate thoughts about my feelings with him, insulting me for them. 

Frozen, when your heart's not open. So cold and disconnected like nothing can reach him. Not ashamed to find any excuse for whatever it is he says or does. So far away from himself and all others that he's stuck in he's rather familiar protective cage.

Tears start coming out of my eyes again. Not from remaining in the dark. I have the light all around me. I am being loved by everyone I care about. But from my helplessness, from seeing him struggle, yet not wanting to face reality, breaking with himself again and again in a quest that seems to be infinite as he keeps defending himself, protecting his heart, not ready to feel, rather putting the pain on everyone around him instead of loving them. I can't watch it. I can't change it. I can't be part of it. He's not ready. Fighting, giving up again. Too hard. For now. Too much to take for now.

I wanted him to be my friend. I still do. Yet I cannot change what is. I don't want to.