Humble Bumble

After going full in Bumble Garden experience for less than a week, I give up as it's brought me to my knees. Confronting me with all the pain I feel in this world, with everything I find wrong in our relationships towards each other and how we get to know people. 

Finding myself in tears after having a yet humbling experience with the one who left me sleepless for a night. Confronting him with the Bumble Garden, his reaction humbles me all around. In a way no one has managed in a long time. Never have I expected this sensitive, brave, open, honest and strong reply to all that I had tried to convey to him through this. It takes him only a few minutes as he replies to me:

 I feel shame. I read it all. And thank you for writing it. I learned it. I understand that I couldn't control my urges.
I'm new in the healing process new in communication
I'm new in expressing
I'm unaware of right or wrong
I'm trying to be better
They all sound like excuses- but im just trying to reflect towards you
I'm sorry for asking you that question sorry for not investing the time and the motivation in order to know you
I'm sorry for confusing it with physical interraction

I apologize for jumping to intimacy without knowing you

Thank you again for writing it and explain it. I'm crying and I feel disgusted upon myself and it feels right.

I'm always interested in learning and I felt ispired by you. I felt there is a lot of knowledge and information coming from you. I enjoy reading it. I don't even know how to express it. Thank you.

[...] Maybe like this: I want to read it all, I want to read more, I want to know more, im jappy to learn more; but I feel I gotta take it slowly, in order to understand more.

[...] I've been reading what youve been thru as well...The people you met. [...] I found myself in the trauma pattern subject described my you. 

May I send you a virtual hug? 

Reading all this from a person I have never met before, a person who could have easily avoided all the conflict, the confrontation with his own behavior, especially the heavy criticism from my side, gives me deep humility for this soul. Not many of us are capable of accepting such strong opposition towards our own behavior, even more the most sensitive topic in the world. Showing himself so vulnerable, yet strong in my presence (as it is one and the same), I have nothing but admiration for him. I want to meet him in person. First he feels too ashamed to look into my eyes but after giving him some time and reassuring him that he did nothing more than making a mistake that he deeply and honestly apologized for from his heart, more touching, caring and authentic than I've experienced it from anyone in a long time, he finally agrees to meeting. After all this morning turbulence I felt it was important for both of us to at least hug one another one time in person. For our choice on both sides doing our parts to come closer to ourselves and to each other in our healing processes.

In the couple of hours together we keep discussing similar topics. The way we meet people, our wounds, why and how we're trying to find love, only to fix ourselves like two beggars coming together, expecting the other one to give us what we need when we don't have it ourselves. Pockets empty. Hearts empty, lost, craving the love for ourselves, we go running, looking for it out there in the world from other people. Is that fair? Is that even how we will ever receive it? Is that love or are these cravings, urges and needs? I feel all everything that my life's evolving around, washing over me, turmoiling into a wild blend of feelings of hopelesness, frustration, pain, hurt, disappointment, gratitude and connectedness for healing thanks to that young open soul and a total blurr concerning love and relationships. How to ever find a mature, kind and willing enough person in this world to enter a relationship when there is so much hurt and unprocessed trauma out there that keeps producing the same relationship patterns over and over again.

Having deleted bumble the same day, I feel all this confusion, this deep longing of mine. I get a message from him the next day:

You're beautiful
You're kind
You're smart
You're likeable
I can only thank you and be grateful for the time spent with you, after learning even more about life.
I realised that not only I want to go further in life by myself, but as well that I'm rushing instead of avyually listen to myself.
I sometimes crave for needs, which make me think I need someone- I'm wrong.
I'll take my time to go along and alone thru this journey.
Thank you for opening my eyes!
Thank you for your life lessons!

Reading it, already after a few words, tears start rolling out of my eyes, down my cheeks. What starts as a little whining, is building up to a deep rush of tears, sitting down sobbing. Sobbing in deep gratitude for this person expressing what he's understood in only this short time. I feel pride towards him if that is even my place for it. Humbled by his strength, this deep connection that he seems to have to himself, this courage to face himself and directly understanding where his and our all longing is coming from and that it's not to be found in the outside. It brings out such hope, such gratitude in me. I find myself crying a river on and on as he has been my mirror for what is not healed inside of myself. Finding these empathic words for me, being able to differentiate between liking me but understanding that he cannot take anything from me in that stage of his process, leaving me with no doubt that this has nothing to do with me. 

It wasn't my words. I see that clearly. Not have I seen a person before understanding such deep, fundamental truths about ourselves and manifesting it right away. It was all there. Right inside of him. I was only the one to bring it out because in a short moment of unawareness he wrote something stupid that gave him away, gave his pain away, his urges, his longing. I was there to mirror his words so he could teach me a much bigger lesson about myself. Seeing him, how he absorbs all that I convey to him, making it a concrete direct result in reality, clearly uncovers his deep connectedness to himself. To life. To everything. He has it all without having learned it. This deep sense of truth. Only few have it. Only few I have seen so strongly in touch with their values, who they are and who they want to be. From his heart. Without having to understand the rational side, instictively he knows what to do. Confidence in himself and that he will find a way to heal, to be better, to grow and connect without judging, blaming or torturing himself over his mistakes. A rare, beautiful quality I wish I will be able to aquire more and more as well. THANK YOU.

You are such a lovely person. You, like we all do, deserve the best in life 💙🙏 He says. I hope he can feel it that clearly for himself as well. But I think he does. 

After all this more or less hurtful experience and necessary reminder I decide to fly out. Out into nature. Just for a day. Feel the fresh air of the forest, walking between the trees, the sun shining through the leaves, the birds singing, the wood cracking. Freedom.

Taking a swim in the icy cold lake washes away the last heaviness from my heart. I don't want to stop swimming. The warm afternoon sun welcoming me back at the waterside. All this vast nature to myself - except for one couple looking at me in amazement. "Wow. You were in there long. You even swam far out. Isn't it too cold?". I smile. "Well I think it's fine. I went last week in another lake that was much colder. I think this one will already be around 10 degrees. I love swimming just so much." The woman is laughing. "Yes that's evidently". I feel free, I feel happy. Walking much more making my way back, smiling, singing, dancing the music in my ears, the sun in my face, I feel the energy of the universe itself, a man on his bike passing by me, turning around, smiling at me, circling back, smiling again waving when he sees me doing my dance. He is not the only one. I'm happy. Life is ok, even when it's not.