May Cycles

Crying my soul out, grabbing my sheets, I move up and down my bed, sobbing bitterly from deep inside like a child totally exposed to my pain without any protection, no defense. Just pure heartbreak loneliness from the core. As if it’s moving through space coming from all times, all old pain suffered, accumulating, coming together to be released, finally wanting to be relieved, set free. All the abuse, hurt, the broken promises of love, a life together, the broken trust, leaving me in pieces, fractures of myself fighting through it so it wouldn’t destroy my heart. My soft, giving heart that I’d handed to him, feeling deeply how I want him to care for it.  Broken. All broken. Reliving all these intimate moments that I was crying tears of joy in belief I had found a person to rely on, a safe space, belonging for now and ever on through my highs and lows. But I was far from the truth. 

It’s you. Only you. I’ve never felt anything like this before. You’re an angel, all the emotions of the universe reflecting in your eyes. I want all of you. Everything. I want you to feel safe around me to express everything you feel. Be easy on yourself. Your heart’s emotions must be as vast as the ocean I can never imagine but I see it in your eyes. From the first moment I saw it. They made me trust you. I only want to be with you. Don’t try to run away. It hurts me. I will always come after you. I will follow you. It’s you and me. I will not let you escape. Not anymore. I see your heart, all this pain that’s been caused you by other men. These guys before me couldn’t see. What fools. How much care and love you give for the people who mean something to you. How precious. I would never reject you, step away from you. I wanna take care of you every day of my life, no matter what age. I wanna wake up next to you every morning, first thing looking into your angel eyes, bring you your coffee to bed, build a life with you, marry you, have children. I wanna make you feel safe, loved, like you’re the most beautiful thing in the world. 

The look in his eyes every time he looked at me as if I was the rarest most precious diamond he’s ever looked at in his life. Pure admiration, humility for what he’s found. Singing love songs to me in the morning, whispering words of devotion into my ear. His words coming back to me reading them as if it was for the first time, throwing me right back into the moments when I heard them for the first time. Reading them as the same tears start splashing out of my eyes, like the waterfalls in Fairy Forest themselves, running endlessly for the rest of the night. Desperation, all this hurt, the love, our encounter, the fairy tale story coming back to me, looking into his eyes for the first time, his hand moving from the front of the car to grab mine in the backseat after all this heartbreak and weeks of separation. Feeling his skin on mine like it was the first time. All my heart, body tingling, exploding, wanting nothing more than to hug him, having him hold me in his arms, kissing my face, telling me more verses of love, singing love songs to me, drifting away into my dream world, blurry yet so clear. Leaving me lost with the memories that feel as if it was a test. It was real. As the ghost had disappeared, left me with all the fractures, the broken pieces of what he once called love. It still is for me as it hurts the same like the first time. Half a year later throwing me into the same space. My deepest hurt and longing of finally finding belonging, finding protection, a safe space where I can be, where I am held, cherished, loved, appreciated, where I matter, where I am important, where I am wanted. Consistency. Integrity. A person who means what they say. Not for the sake of making their life what they want it to be but for wanting me in their life. Because they choose me for all I am because I make their life richer and more beautiful. And not only on these days but especially on the ones I feel this deep loneliness, this hurt. Especially then they want to be with me and not all on a sudden disappear because I didn’t serve their expectations. A servant. 

This craving, this urge with an importance washing over me after all these months like I can’t take the disconnection anymore. The tears a pure mirror of the washing, the cleansing. How much more can I bare? I will have to. Go through it… Until…

Slowly I open one of my eyes. Twenty past eight. I turn around in my sheets yawning.  I grab my phone. “My bus was half an hour late. I’ll be there soon. My friend should be there any minute as well.” In an overreaction I hastily get up. The same second my phone rings. I pick up. “I’m here”. I look out the window. She’s standing in front of the door. I run outside. Open the door. “I’m so sorry. She just wrote. I completely confused the days. I thought you were coming tomorrow”. I laugh half asleep, feeling the blood running. Only a few minutes later the second sunshine arrives as we find ourselves sitting in the morning sunshine eating croissants. This is exactly what I need. Switzerland coming to my house bringing the sunshine to my heart to heal. Fridays. The last ones. Finally I’m starting to see light. BLB. It’s coming. A new cycle.