Waking Sleeping Ghosts

 

Not to open up any old wounds but...have you ever heard of that last love of yours since you returned? Half a year has passed, not a word on no channel. Returning from the other side of the world I made sure to cut the connection. Too overwhelming the pain. Too much trauma that I needed to digest, to somehow transform. Nothing ever heard of him again. Hearing her say the words I get this feeling, like the energy of the Universe is shifting, like she's opened a gate. Today was the day. Like last week when in all seriousness all my old feelings came washing over me, ever since not wanting to end in all different shapes and colors of loss, heartbreak, connection, love, vulnerability, courage, intimacy...the whole spectrum of what the Universe has to offer. Ten days of encounters, shifts and transitions. Where did it start? 

When one morning over a week ago the door rang at 8.20, pulling me out my sleep. Things started to go around. The love and the heartbreak, the resolution, piece by piece coming to me in different people. One week later, it's 8.20 again. I didn't sleep well. A bonfire, my lovlely father, my friend and her offspring, moving me, making me laugh, the little boy waving at me sending me a kiss after he's moved me on the swing back and forth. I can go a little longer for you he said. He's sad that I will be leaving again. It's heart-melting. They are leaving, my friend stays, listening to me and my world pain. Time is passing as I half drunk get into unsettling sleep, waking me up way too early when the door rings...

The sudden shrilling sound of the bell, tearing me out my half awake dreams, I stumble down the stairs. Who in the world could that be? Who knows I'm living here...I open the door and see a friendly familiar face. I try opening my second eye and smile, asking him to come in. I make coffee while I’m giggling. Lina you’re amazing even now I can’t believe it your energy when I just come by like this unannounced and after everything that’s happened. A week ago. That's when we met. That's when one night we got to know each other without a warning, leaving things unclear. My tears comforted by him, he didn't want to hurt me more, I refused to know more of him, sending him away.

There he was standing in front of me, bringing me a letter from his heart. Not only a letter but his courage, his thoughts about how our encounter overwhelmed him out of nothing, he wouldn't see it coming, meeting a woman like me. The longer the night, the more I feel how he connects to me, how he wants to know more of me. I also feel that it's overwhelming him. He didn't expect me. Sharing his heart with me, asking me to let him cook for me one first and last time before I'm leaving, he seems like a messenger from the Universe. A man with the courage to stand up for what he wants, confronting himself with what had happened that night for the will of getting to know me. Of spending time with me, making sure I was ok. Making sure he didn't hurt my heart. He did not. It was my pain, my tears that someone else had caused me long time ago. That ghost from the past that seemed to have returned over these days brightly alive as if he was here present now. As if he was there to make me relive all the emotions, the pain, the betrayal and cheating, the wounds that cut so deep. Cleaning out my soul, washing through me over and over again, not wanting to end. My tears were not for that courageous man with his pure heart, my tears were coming from a place of hopelessness.

Having him sit in front of me, reading his words to me, he's holding my hand, holding me looking for closeness. He's brave, he's honest, he came here for me even if only for one time, I was worth it to him. I needed him. Not all men are the same Lina. I know that. I needed proof in reality to not lose faith overall in humanity, love, trust, loyalty, consistency, integrity. I needed someone real. Someone who could show me. With his energy the day continues to deeply move me spending an entire day with the people I love the most, who hold me crying, when I open up, be vulnerable, create intimacy, build a safe space for my tears and my heart. My father brave enough today to hold me in his arms even if he cannot be sure where all this hurt has started.

Reuniting the last days the ice cream smartie party brings my spirits back to life. Deeply alive, connected. Something is in the air. The Ghosts. We're talking, she shares her doubts with me, I try to reach out, tell her to not be afraid. Sometimes we just need a little Lina inside reminding us what to do. She puts her arm around me. I'm so happy for her. Her openness, kindness, connectedness, her trust. All this trust that's been generated around me the last weeks, especially days. This endless appreciation for me. The love that I need so much from all the places that will become the same soon.

Walking under the cherry trees, I feel that a ghost was released while I listen to my Angel friend. It's been one year so far and yet so close, she's sharing her thoughts, asking my advice. I get her totally, I feel her. You know. You know everything. I love you so much. Oh man it's so amazing that I can send you all this and you probably understand exactly how I'm feeling. Because other than you nobody else really understands this crazy go around turmoil in my head. Except for you my heart. You know exactly how I am feeling. Your words and thoughts are so beautiful. I am so glad that you exist. There it is again. Connection. My heart is bursting with love for all these beautiful amazing women in my life who so courageously, openly trust me with their inner most being. 

A few hours to digest the sun, the love, slowly settling as the sky becomes dark, it's now time for the ghosts from the past to come out. The ghost that she was calling only hours earlier. Linchen. I get a message. India. That far away place where all my transformations have started to evolve. My practicing field of loving myself enough to leave places and people who don't. Returning. I stare at the screen. This cannot be a stranger. My heart. My body tightening, my heart beating, I try to focus. Can this be true? After over half a year...When all the ghosts had started to come back to me these days...They were real. The energy was there. For someone it's a dream as the same was reality. I try to focus, hold myself together but my body is not willing to adhere to me. I pick up the phone; he's calling, my heart is beating, my throat tight. Excitement. That wasn't the healthy sign of a stable relationship with substance. That was the hormone thing, the triggers, the insecurity, the inconsistency, all the beautiful feelings that left me scattered into the tinest pieces of myself. I see. My happiness about him contacting me nevertheless undeniable. This has not changed. Like the first time we met. Like yesterday as the past days have already announced it to me. The Universe had me prepared. For however there could be. It still feels like a delusional rush. Like all this longing, this deep desire, the craving, the yearning has been answered. I know the illusion is the same. I couldn't protect myself from it. I don't want to. I want to hear his voice, his words, what he has to say to me and I listen. Even more he listens. He needs to be there. Picking up the broken pieces. Nobody knows if he can. He is willing to. He always was. But does he know how much time it takes? How much effort, dedication, a strong will and courage, a pure heart and endurance? Nobody knows. I learned, he learned. My responsibility to take care of myself. What are the chances of getting the same hurt, the chances to have my whole existence challenged again to a point where I don't want to face it anymore? How strong is his will, how big his capacity, how important his desire to have me in his life to work for it? To provide me a safe space. To regain my trust, to rebuild a fundament, a stable base for a relationship that can survive, that is there to be lived throughout challenges. Does he know that love is a choice? Does he know he needs to make an active decision for me?Will he be able not to step over me thinking he would know what to do "not to hurt me", achieving the opposite as he's protecting himself. Will he know what it means to take over responsibility for his words and actions with all consequences or will he go run and hide again in the darkness for me to never seeing him again? All this I wouldn't know. All this only time can show. All this after long conversations into the middle of the night I first need to know where I stand. I need to know how I see this soul without a biased view... However far this is ever possible… Turmoil. Turmoil that I'm silencing. I cannot go through this again. I cannot put myself out there again. I need to be held, I need to be loved. I need to be taken care of because I mean that much. My reality may not be his. As it wasn't before only time will show. Season of Change.