One Night (and three Days)

Riding in the bus on the way to finally encounter the person who would help guiding me through the last days, a young soul is sitting down next to me. A smile across his face, curious like his young nature, he starts asking me endless questions. The small energy about to connect me to the big one. The one I didn't know yet, the one older in age. Two energies in different times, there to reflect my journey on me. My own journey. 

Three full days later much more aware than before I can gratefully see where my journey lead me. How my processes have shaped me and my learnings guided me to not accept less than what I deserve. To not let myself settle for not being appreciated enough, not seen, heard or cared for in the way the I deserve. Not supported, understood or listened to the way I need it. Finally practicing what I've been learning in theory since my heart got broken last. Understand when a person doesn't bring the same energy to love me, to care for me, a person who doesn't bring enough interest or motivation to get to know my mind, my heart and my feelings, it is not worth holding on to them. As to when two souls are so far apart in their journey there is no way to connect them when they are not open to meet each other in the middle out of the pure intention, natural interest in getting to know the other person, to share time together, moments to look back on. Moments of joy where they connect to become bigger than one. When this space cannot be created because the perspective, the view on life, on the world are so far apart that one is caring more for their own well-being than for the person involved, there is no way to share, connect or create intimacy but only distance. Distance that will create misunderstanding, hurt and disappointment for what could be or could have been instead of treasuring we what is.

Today I'm happy that all I've been trying to integrate, learning to appreciate myself enough to receive the love I desire, to find my self-worth is undeniably present in my actions and behavior. Not finding myself in a position anymore where I feel the urge to fight to get the recognition, the appreciation and interest in me as a person that I as every other human being deserve unconditionally. 

Naturally now, my whole body and nervous system starts rejecting energies that are below the dedicated love that I bring for others. My capacity not holding anything less than what makes me thrive, what brings out the best in me, the most beautiful, my light, my shining star. Rejecting anything that's dimming my light inside when I feel how bright it's shining when I'm next to the people who love me, who appreciate and cherish me like the piece of art that I am.

Speaking about art, may the artist be exactly that one who only sees the beauty in his own art but not in others. Blind for all the miracles, the details, the beauty, the gifts and talents in others. The art of others. The life of others, the fascinating, inspiring being of others than himself.

But where did this all start? The first contact after I left  the camp. Two weeks ago. When our encounter in reality only lasted for three short days that yet seemed to have been half a relationship. Advice it was what I was looking for, a place to stay, yes and most of all connection. Connection to likeminded souls. Experience, a good time, happiness. As we all want.

I contact him online this bursting energy, asking for advice. We start talking on the phone. Not once, not twice, now something every few days. Naturally. To see what's going on, where we're standing. He invites me to come to his town. The beach. I don't like the beach. More heat. Moist, humid, bone crushing, sticky, heavy, unenjoyable. Sweating from early morning until late night. No pause, no rest, no air to breathe.

Nevertheless I follow his invitation and get on the bus down South. Bad news he cannot host me. And so I sit in the bus, arranging for another place to sleep while the young energy is fascinated by me and my way to travel, to live. Open, curious, lively with a heart so big, so caring, so full of empathy, he keeps the flame burning for two hours as we spent the ride talking and learning. He carries the same name as the man I am about to meet. Bursting with Energy. I can see that. In both. The young and the old version. The later version impressive in his evolution, coming with much more reflection, sense of love, connection, empathy, care and understanding than the earlier version. Evolution. The boy protective, appreciative, caring, honest, humble and wise as he can see me within minutes like the older version in the next day will not be able to. You're amazing, so wonderful. You have a big heart. I will really miss you so much. I hope to see you again. He says when he hugs me leaving the bus. He means is. The sparkle in his eyes telling it all. Calling his aunty asking for permission for me to stay. His young spirit so creative at the same connected, finding the beauty in every piece of art. The uniqueness and the special, not only in his own. Humility. Following his senses, his heart, his values. What I was missing in the man I was about to meet. Values so far apart that they weren’t able to form a union in the end.

But first things first that had to be put in the right place. The pseudo-spirituality. The close-minded danger of a man in his bubble believing everything he thinks about himself, he sees, hears or "knows". Consciousness he keeps repeating until it becomes creepy. Yes. We're flowing. We're flowing. We can rent a bike, I can show you around and then we go to the beach and this island and... I feel overwhelmed. Stuck, pressured. His energy heavy and uncomfortable I can hardly understand him. Again my intuition, my nervous system, my all rejecting his energy. He is not smiling. He is serious about his consciousness. I need escape. And I will get it. This will make him even less smiley. 

When I return from my first encounter face to face with the bursting energy that I had only spoken to on the phone before, declaring the news that I wasn’t going to spend further time with the consciousness, I face a tense, self-righteous person who is not flowing so much anymore. Contradicting his words of letting me be a free human being who is allowed to make her own decisions and throwing the attitude of a hurt, jealous child who expected something else, trying to force the situation into his life. Flow. This time I will go and flow with someone else. Out of the dense atmosphere, spending the first and last night sweating, tossing and turning, half awake on the couch, mentally packing my things up, putting myself in the car to go to the beach with my new choice of company. I imagine how he comes to pick me up, we get fruits, laughing along in the car, finding a beach to find some fresh water to cool down our heated bodies.  And so it happens. 

Quietly I collect myself the next morning, leaving the house to spend a more joyful day with a more joyful person. Getting on the street, I see him driving towards me. Perfect timing is what we have and what we will have. Just like when I met him for the first time the night before on his handcraft stand where he's selling his wood works right in front of my place for the night. From the first minute I feel comfortable around him. We chat, we talk, we laugh, we agree to meet the next day. I feel free and joyful knowing we will spend the day together. Number one. Of three. Only then I didn't know. 

In between I have to face the reality of my love having become very sick as different people contact me, again good timing to come back, yet it’s hurting me to know how she’s slowly becoming weaker. My conscious spiri friend sending me a long educating message about me having misunderstood everything, being a disrespectful guest. It doesn’t disturb me in the pursuit of our day at the beach together.

Finding a shady spot in a small cave by the sea, we throw our things and get into the water. From there it takes no more than five minutes, to find our bodies entangled, whirling in the water. My arms wrapped around his neck, he's holding my body, my legs around his waist. This is exactly what I was picturing. In detail, nothing less. No words were needed. It seems we're both in the same space, on the same page. Froggy he says. We're holding each other. The water is slowly cooling our bodies down, becoming light, floating. I always disliked these couples hanging out on the beach, in the beautiful sea, kissing, holding each other, twirling around. I giggle. You changed your mind about that? He asks me not joking. I'm laughing. No. I only dislike them because it wasn't me being involved. I find this beautiful. I'm happy as I can be, closing my eyes, feeling the sun in my face, his strong arms around me, holding me. Only 24 hours ago we were strangers. Now I feel close to him as if I had been with him for weeks. Spending long moments in the water, we're hugging each other, kissing, laughing, playing like children in the summer sea. That was the longest first kiss ever he comments. He will comment on numerous aspects later. Some I appreciate, others I try to ignore. I missed it. All of it. But most of all someone who holds me, the physical touch and endless kisses. And here we are after what seemed like an eternity, living a little midsummer dream, getting closer, finding some shade under a tree, finding intimacy, getting to know each other, closing off a day as if I had created it from my deepest desires in a lovely restaurant refilling our energy sources. Even getting into a discussion doesn't cut the plans we made for the next days.

He drops me off in my favorite café where I treat myself with a cold caramel frappuccino. Nothing that I'm missing in this exact moment. Just in time my new host sends me her location. I smile. Same place as the night before. Right above where he will be selling his art work in a couple of hours. He calls me to ask if he should come drop me off. It's only ten minutes. I reject and thank him. Exhausted, sweaty, sticky and happy I go to my new apartment for the night. I take a fresh shower that cools me down for the next ten minutes before the humidity is having me all covered in sweat again. I sent him a text that I can see him up from the 7th floor of the balcony. He calls me waving at me asking if I wanna come down. I'm too tired. I spent two hours on the phone before my host comes and we shortly get to know each other before going to sleep. I'm excited for the next day. He wants to come with me, to the camp. We're taking his car. Road trip. Finally the couchsurfer in my caravan, my bed as I was hoping for. For now... everything as I was picturing it. 

Taking the two hour drive to talk through some topics I pick up a vibe every now and then that he may find me talking too much. I can undeniably feel our limitations in understanding and even more feeling each other. I am not sure if he can feel it too or if this is already where I start learning that his empathy has clear boundaries as I am losing him on the way as he is losing me. I get the notion that the stories I share with him don't make him feel grateful towards my openness and trust. That me sharing intimate details about my life, my hurt, my experiences, my journey, my trauma and my growth don't bring him much closer to me or make him more sensitive for who I am but more or less only land inside of him as a mere intellectual information about my past. At moments I will already feel my alarms ringing when again he would ask the same questions that I have already answered minutes before. I don't know if he doesn’t hear, doesn‘t listen, doesn’t care or only is seeking reaffirmation.

Yet no harm is done as I am super excited for our time together. Together in a place that makes me feel like home, with a woman who loves me more than her life. A woman who sees me as I am in every moment. A woman who teaches me love every day. A woman who feels and knows me deeply without me having to say a word. A woman so wise, strong and kind as I don't know another one. A woman that makes me feel so safe in this world that I know no matter what would ever happen to me, I would be her heart, she would hold me, comfort me, give her all for me as she needs no words or explanations ever to see right through me, to love me more than life, feeling my heart, seeing my pain, celebrating my change, sharing her gratitude for my existence, making me become more beautiful every day.

Qualities that I learned are the ones I need to breathe, to live a happy life. Qualities that I want in the people surrounding me. Nothing less. Not anymore. 

This will also be the words a little more than 24 hours later when we get into our almost last discussion before he takes off. I look at him and I tell him: I know you may find me too much. As many men find women like me too much. I think then you should go and find less. Because this is who I am and I deserve all this and more. This is what I am coming with and this is what I shall be loved for without limits. And so we are standing there with all that’s been slowly creeping up within a day. 

But first… Settling in after arriving, hugging my tiny love, cuddling, kissing, she looks into my eyes like always to see what’s different, how I feel. I smile at her. She knows. We decide to go down to my favorite spot on the river, washing off the heat, refreshing as it’s really the only thing to do almost 40 degrees of summer. Cuddling up in the tiny piece of shade under the rock, I caress his skin, carefully, softly I explore his body as I hear him moaning from joy. I like when he's expressing his pleasure when we're together. Makes me feel closer to him, making me want to exchange more of each other. Rubbing our bodies together we head back up to the camp to release our urges and meet where we haven't met. Finally yet already. Another topic I would have differently chosen in details if I was to paint the perfect picture.

And so there it was our day in Permët where I find myself repeatedly in situations wherein he has apparently no sense for me being part of an undertaking, involving me or trying to put himself into my shoes for what I could possibly want or need or how I could feel in one or the other moment. It seemed as if it was more important for him to live his needs when I was preparing meals for him, honoring with a thank you, yet him not caring if I was hungry when I haven’t had eaten. When he was trying to make up activities that he wanted to involve me in only because he found them appealing, not because he wanted to see me happy. When first before we get going I cut my shins open between the woods, I know my stress level is already on edge. Not that he cared whether I was hurt physically or emotionally. 

And so the day goes on until I get too frustrated and annoyed by him behaving like I don’t exist, let alone finding beauty in having me by his side, acknowledging of how rare and precious our time together is. The car key situation only boosting my emotions when he returns from his alone trip. I don’t even feel like talking to him anymore while he hadn’t even realized that there was anything going in the wrong direction for me. Having our first discussion in the car going nowhere but in circles where he tells me that he didn’t do wrong and telling me to chill, I already feel how this is going nowhere as he seems to not have the least understanding of how his behavior could come across and that not everything is about how he sees the world. Pulling myself together when we arrive in hope we could come to understanding again, I find him only minutes later in the hammock taking his well deserved nap while, I go hiding sitting on the ground crying as I cannot grasp someone being so insensitive for another person, being so self centered that it really doesn’t matter for them how the person next to him may feel in any case. I feel that this is going to my core and it’s nothing I can or want to brush off as my chest is tightening from all the hurtful weeks, months and years that I have already put up with such ignorant, careless behavior.

Coming before he goes rafting, asking me if I was ok, he kissed my face when I had clearly said no, ignoring how much he had hurt and ignored me when I was sitting in the back crying while he was taking his well deserved nap after I had not slept well in many days (which we both knew).  

Returning a few hours later he calls me, asking if we could talk. When I come into the caravan, he asks me if he could hug me, not waiting for my answer once again hugging me as I indicate that he didn't wait for my answer before doing so although I still appreciated his gesture. Starting the conversation he says: You know this has never happened to me before in my life... My mind again on the love path, on my experiences with people who were obviously much more impressed by my existence than he was throughout our time together. Expecting  unexpectedly some sort of emotion that he may have been hiding before, finally letting go of all his I am the best mask I‘m thinking he‘s finally about to declare some sort of attraction or appreciation towards me BUT no, again large fail. Even larger than the key failure. ... it never happened to me before in my life that somebody said I was not caring or attentive. All the women always told me how understanding and caring I am so I really don't know what I did [...] inside of me the same feeling of surprise but no surprise arises. He keeps talking. The next part I can appreciate much more. So please I would like to understand you and know how you feel, so could you maybe explain to me about earlier what would have been your ideal reaction what I should have done or said. And so I calmly  try to explain how I see things when really my battery is already low and my motivation almost at zero. 

Giving him my idea of caring human interaction, he moves in and again the wave crushes everything over to the other side just like before in the car when all on a sudden it is all about him again, going into the same vicious circle. Him explaining HIS point of view and why he did nothing wrong, completely missing the point, going back to what concerns him and not me, making no attempt to understand what empathy even means, only to get his perspective out again in opposition to me, stating that now he had every right to speak about what he was thinking when he had not even let me start explaining what I meant in the first place, taking over the discussion, wondering why my triggers were all back on again. Again I could feel how I was going into the same pain, not being, seen or heard, let alone appreciated for sharing my point of view for him to learn and maybe act more sensitive in the future, my nerves start shaking again. The same wave rising I raise my voice again. I cannot believe where this is going again. I get up as he repeatedly tells me to not raise my voice and chill - like earlier I love it. History repeating itself for the millionth time, him believing he is just teaching me something new that's important for me to learn when really he's just showing the same disrespectful attitude towards me and women in general that I know all so well. Throwback, as right here, two years ago in the same caravan another young man tried to shut me up, ending up the same day throwing me out the car. Only he had love in his eyes. I think he likes you. I am not sure for love but he likes you, is what she says about „Gerald“. As now we know yes he liked me for himself being with me. For only two years ago she sees something else. For this one he looked different, he loved you, he didn’t only like you. Is what also only a few weeks ago he was confessing to me how he will never forget that morning two years ago when he was waking up in the caravan next to me. Man that was one of the loveliest moments of my life he wrote. The freshness of the morning the rising sun and the romance of the old and small van with lots of old stuff, some broken some dusty and I was looking through that small window and you were sleeping next to me. I often remember this morning. Yes this guy at least after two years found some grand romance in our moments together other than this one now who solely came for himself.

I walk away, going to take a cold shower in the attempt to cool down, wondering if he was about to drive away, if he was going to insult me, calling me crazy or unreasonable or just stay. When I leave the shower I just want this to end, I want this situation to be over. No bad blood. I'm done. I don't deserve this. I am not a teenager anymore and I cannot go through the same processes over and over again. While I get dressed, he's approaching me slowly with a kind smile on his face. Sweetheart he says. Can I hug you? I look at him, I have no answer for nothing anymore as he's swinging between looking for consent, asking to understand me because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings and showing off how great he is, not caring at all how I feel. Total confusion for me. And there we are, hugging after all the up and down, he’s asking me if I want him to leave. Again this I appreciate, yet I can't answer. My gut feeling says straight up yes, there's nothing to solve about this attitude, yet my mind wants to try, have a good time. And so he's asking me to go to the hot springs together, watch the stars. When we're about to find agreement, I'm slowly finding back my smile, it feels like we are on the same page again... 

Just in that moment when I want to feel happy and light, he opens his mouth to tatatatata… surprise….point out that he is the best man I can find in Albania, still holding me in his arms. How lucky I am. Wow. What a great gift for me to be here with this man again. I cannot believe it. 

The next big wave washing over me, this time the last one, only taking seconds to destroy everything that we've just built with effort for what feels like the fifth time this day. Here I am hearing the most unattractive words a person could possible say about himself, all my senses immediately rejecting him, my body untangling, pulling away from him in disgust, my chest getting tight from the repulsion I feel towards him. His arrogance right in that moment when I was about to set my mind to trying to find common ground with him to spend a good time together. Just the right moment and the exact reflection of the last discussions we had from the car to here. Coming and going in waves. 

One second him opening up, trying to connect, the next moment going back to his cocky repulsive artist behavior, almost narcissistic, putting himself above others, making himself god like as in our first discussion in the restaurant. My instincts again not misleading me but proving my senses alert functions working meticulously for what I've seen and known before. This luckily was the last call for me to run, the reddest flags of all. And so I do. Going towards my caravan I yell at him that I'm glad then that he can be happy to have himself as he is so great since he knows all the men in Albania and I don't (as if he even knew). Same way he spoke to me before as if I wasn't aware of the situation or circumstances. As if he knew more, looking down on me. Not consciously, not on purpose I'm sure, yet wrongly so. This wasn’t about me, not then not now. This has been all along an ego trip when the waves were low as when they were up I wanted to believe that he was appreciating me and my presence even when he didn’t communicate it at all times.

Unfortunately most times he would show how he‘s convinced of his greatness. His identity that he built for himself that is the most suitable. Being this attentive, caring guy. Who am I to tear down walls of false beliefs? Who am I to question who he is as he knows so much better. 

Yet for letting me make the choice of him staying or leaving, for him at least making an attempt to speak to me, being honest with me and respectful I am happy and proud of we have managed the situation. For the first time I can say that I feel fully and completely happy with how I’ve acted, what I’ve decided and how I ended it and I am happy he gave me the opportunity to. Not to have ugly feelings towards one another only because we don’t understand each other but separating hugging each other, wishing each other the best. Him being happy because he is so lucky to have himself and me being so lucky to not having him by my side anymore. Win win, everyone happy. I don’t know who’s more proud, Dona or me giggling along about the situation when she hands me the money that he left to her only minutes before. I wanted him to buy you a gift but when I saw how things were going between the two of you I decided I want him to pay and give you the money, my love go and buy yourself a gift. I’m in between crying and laughing. The Universe is kind. And fair. When we look closely.

It's the day after. I'm sitting next to her on her bad. You are ok my love? Her every day question. I nod. I feel lighter. Like something heavy has been lifted from my shoulders. Of course I miss the physical touch, or him smiling at me, giving me a kiss when I lie in the hammock. But the hurt and disappointment of not being seen or appreciated for my being was prevailing. I tell her more details about what has happened, I'm laughing about the two most awkward situations I had in our discussions, making me laugh so hard that I can barely breathe. I look at her: You know when he came back from the blue eye and we were at the car he says to me: Can you give me the keys? But I hear: Can you give me a kiss? And I keep asking him for what and he says the car. This goes three times back and forth before I realize again there was no intention from his side to approach as he’s not even realize how he left me behind, doing his own thing. I can't keep myself from laughing. How stupid of me to believe he would even notice anything going on inside or outside of me and what a confirmation again for all I've felt before. That it just didn't matter that I was there. It was all about his experience, not my feelings. But the even more funny situation was the one when he asked me if we could talk to clear some things up, just before ending our three days together. Reflecting the situation before the car, reflecting so clearly how my mind works. How I am used to people sharing love with me, not self-centeredness and their own great vision of themselves, shining the bright light on themselves like nothing else matters. Like in these short days whenever a topic came up he didn't mean to appreciate my skill, knowledge, my understanding, care or ability to do exercises or any part of my being but to point out his own which was better competing with mine. No encouragement let alone empowerment. The whole topic going deep into history, the collective consciousness of men and women and how to treat each other, our worlds being obviously years apart, our consciousnesses widely separated. The worlds we are coming from, our backgrounds, understandings and learnings nowhere near to find common ground on how to treat each other, how to respect a woman or how to communicate in a relationship, any relationship for that matter.

When I look at him I see he likes you. I'm not talking about love but he likes you -yet he likes himself much better, that has been the topic all along, about him, being with himself first, unable to find love in that way for someone else- so I'm sure he is coming back to see you. We're starting to make bets. I say eight days if he comes back at all, maybe. She's laughing no no, four for I know he wants to spend more time with you and I say yes but he is convinced of himself so he will take some days. She's smiling. This is why I said four and not three. Am I allowed to eat ice cream if I win? We know guys so well no?! If only he had the slightest clue what I've been through in my life. How many guys under which circumstances I had to deal with. Where I am coming from, he would not dare to talk to me the way he did. She knows very well.  I'm holding her head, she's kissing my hands, my fingers, my forehead. We're hugging as every day. I love you so much my love. She's my holy spirit. My heart and my home. I feel free and loved here. Held and safe, no matter who’s trying to pick the flower without watering it, she’ll make sure to water me until I come back to life.