A New World

Finishing off her messages, I feel as deeply touched as I haven't for a very long time. Her soft, soothing voice, sharing her most inner feelings with me, reconnecting after drifting apart for a while, making sure I was aware of what I mean to her. Repeatedly, she goes into her thoughts, slowly letting me be part of them. I love you so much, I need you to know because I do not think I have told you enough. At least I feel I want to let you know more than I have in the past weeks. And I'm sure we will have so many more opportunities where I can tell you and where I can be with you, holding you in my arms, making sure you know how much you mean to me. I wish I would have done more when I was with you. I regret it but it is what it is and I can see in the future how we will be together. You would love Romania. I wish I would have seen more of Albania, I know you are going to Georgia now, this would be a nice tour. Albania, Romania, Georgia. Maybe it was her energy that lead you there. Maybe it was her as she doesn't have the strength or even the courage now to let you go as she is so weak but she would love to tell you to go and live your life as you cannot cure her now. Maybe it was that timing that now in the hardest time you needed to be there and also needed to leave before it is consuming you. Her words, reflecting the truth, so courageously, blunt, frank, sensitive, fragile and strong at the same time, making me cry so deeply from their presence, their immanent truth. Not have any words touched me so profoundly as her sincerity, her courage, her vulnerability towards me, sharing her heart with me in such depth.  Seeing me, my situation in her pain, her struggles, her disease, eventually taking all of her, understanding what this means for me.

I walk inside under tears, I have the urge to hug her. I hold her in my arms, she's holding me too. I'm glad she doesn't see my tears. I'm not letting go of her before she does. Her little niece seeing the tears in my eyes, looking up to me with her hazel eyes, wrapping her arms around my waist, her head resting on my stomach, right under my chest. Her attentive eyes show pure love, kindness, empathy. 

Seems these days are for me and the children. For them to come to me to give me that pure love that I've been craving so much. This deep connection, this place where I belong. It will be faster than you can think it happens like this you will see. Says the father of this magic mind. This old soul, this spirit of a human being. He's speaking of me finding my place in the world, my person. He is saying it freely, without hesitation, no doubt in his voice. Easily. Not a question to even be asked. 

One day only, 24 hours later they are leaving. The magic boy and his entertaining, happy parents, who have brought me a blissful drinking Saturday night and one of the most memorable encounters I've had in a long while. Their boy when he is handing me my glass of white wine that's only an armlength away from me. Asking me if he could help me cut the veggies, when he sees me preparing the food, accompanying me with his vivid spirit while I'm cooking. This amazing boy taking my breath away from the first moment he sits down with the baby cat and starts telling me his life story. Open, full of love, soft, kind, empathic, connected, respectful, attentive, sensitive, a wise old soul in the body of a 12 year old boy, moving me to tears within the first minutes only by listening to him, his views, experiences and elaborations about the world, our system, cultures, political struggles, family, travel, life concepts, the school system and love. Pulling myself together, to not sit in awe crying throughout the entire conversation it takes me a lot of my energy to pull myself together, not to be overwhelmed by my emotions through him. His presence, touching me so profoundly, making me feel safe, loved, appreciated, understood. I feel like he's reflecting my heart, my views on the world, sharing his soul, his young all being, enriching the world with his all presence, changing it to a much better place. Nothing can explain for what I felt between admiration, humility, calmness, inspiration, amazement, humbleness, gratitude - awe struck by this unique human being. Making me feel alive again, giving me hope for this world, making me want to keep his energy in my life which is what I enforce when I ask him for his number the last minutes before his parents come to get him. His high five is our last moment, I smile, they are waving, I feel blessed. Blessed by his precious presence and his authenticity. Max. A name that should come back to me later that day in a different shape and form.

Just like the other two sweet souls I got to know only few hours before him. Doing my morning yoga the small Lina is coming to watch me. With her chocolate bread in her tiny hands, she is placing herself directly in front of my mat, watching me move. Starting a conversation with me, I find mini me to be a joyful addition to my workout. Only minutes later her brother is joining as I find myself in entertaining conversations while moving around together, laughing. These two hearts winning me over immediately, especially the one with my name. We feel special, they make me their sister, playing around with me until they go for their day. As soon as they return, the flow is returning with her; she is all over me, climbing one me, pulling on me, hugging me, kissing my face, pulling my necklace, looking closely at the gem. It's protecting me. I don't wanna leave. I want to stay with you, come with me. I love you, she's holding my hand, turning me around, hanging on my neck, clinging on to me, cuddling me, Paulina. her brother seeking my attention. I smile at the mother. They make me so happy. She's looking at me. Thank you Lina, for everything. For being with them. For yesterday. She's opening her arms to hug me goodbye, just like the family from minutes before with the magic boy. A lot of good byes today from all the lovely families, giving me part of them throughout the generations, wishing me luck on my journey, connecting me to my future, bringing it out in me. The children. Having all these tiny arms wrapped around my waist, holding their heads, pressing against my stomach, giving me this warm feeling in my heart, hearing them say my name in their children's voice, filling me with purity and joy from inside out. Peace. Like I have found my place in the world. With them.

For when I look at you talk to other people, I don't know what it is that you tell them but I can see how their eyes are shining, how you inspire them, how they leave happy. No matter who you are talking to. The young children, people your age, older people, they all are so happy when they talk to you, something is changing inside of them. Really you should write a book, help people in the process for the new generation, for what you have learned, actually for everyone whose minds are not working like yours. I see how people are inspired by you and you could help others with your learnings. She's looking at me in conviction. She means it. I know she is right, I want it, more than many other things, only I don't feel the how. Really. Where to start but that again is only my mind as when I look back into Lina's eyes and feel my wise boy's heart, I'm all there, with them, with me, with everyone knowing everything will be alright. No. Better. It will be amazing. Beautiful. A new world.

Inspired by me, through them, big Magic. My happiness, living of it. When I see a bright yellow car arriving from... home. Automatically my heart starts jumping when I speak to the young man introducing himself. Max. There he is back. Maximum everything, I am already happy expecting a good time as I will not be disappointed. Waking up in my favorite spot, my eyes a bit heavy from the alcohol last night - he is sitting next to me after waking up, slowly I walk inside. Are you a morning person? How are you feeling? Can I help you? Shall I stop talking? I laugh. My longest night in the camp so far. Beer fridge is empty. Laughing our asses off the last night, planning trips, drinking more shots, making up stories, I don’t feel the time passing, the night getting more chilly when I ask if I can take his jacket. I brought it for you he says. This is how you do it, now I see you make people stay here, we’re planning on all the things we can do. Laughing, eating more ice cream, he’s feeding it to me, while I hold the cat in my lap. Feeling like children, this is a night I needed. Leaving behind my little sleeping baby cat, new friends and a table full of glasses, I fall into bed at 2am. The next day, we can all feel it.