Let Them Go
Going back to the day of his leaving, I again reflect upon situations with her. Never ever has this happened to me before that a woman has told me I am not caring or attentive. They always say the opposite. [...] Trust me, I am the best man you can get in Albania. I know. I know Albanian men, you don't. His words still echoing in my mind in disbelief how people (men) can be so convinced of their own truth that they have created, not daring to look outside, reflect upon their behavior or words of advice, criticism or anything they're not fond of to exclude it from their identity, keeping their own idealistic version, detached from reality. In shock for how arrogant a view on oneself can be, convinced that everything they believe about themselves shall be true, incapable of taking any input dismantling, disarming this particular picture they have formed about themselves. Becoming therefore unable to change any of it, to form a personality they choose, consciously as they're blindfolded by their own ego. Becoming who they want to be by choice, by working on themselves, by choosing values, putting them into practice, training every day who they want to become, to be able to look in the mirror and know they're the best version of themselves that they could become to make sure to live the happiest, most authentic and connected life possible. To make sure to live a fulfilled life - together. They becoming us.
As I am writing these words I find myself confronted with his messages, insulting me just in that way as it would suit my thoughts about love and human connection. In detachment, not having learned what it means to live in compassion, empathy and violence free communication to find understanding and sensitivity for the other person to create a bond, trust and kindness in a relationship, he insults me, comparing me to a person who has all kinds of features that I disguise in people, making me feel uncomfortable because he was hurt I did not want to spend time with him. He knows how to hurt me. Turning it around again, he pushes out the same dynamics we had before he left. Not understanding me, not asking me as he has no interest in my views, understandings, knowledge, feelings, thoughts or anything to do with me, calling me a toxic person, pretending that he would listen only to turn my arguments around and project them on me. The same kindergarten game he left with a few days before. Making me open up telling me he wants to hear about my feelings to know how he could act differently, only then to bash me, not to come to together, to understand each other but win the battle. Leaving me desperate, helpless, ignorant. For I cannot wrap my head around how someone has no intention of understanding the other side. I can’t help but wonder when his heart started turning so cold.
I cannot take more. I feel my old wounds, the old frustration boiling up, as he is triggering the traumatized version of me, where I am not seen, not heard, not understood, left in the dark because I don't matter. Again I find myself confronted with a person who has no interest in who I am, bringing back old feelings of being useless, worthless, unworthy of attention, love, affection and protection. Not putting any effort in getting to know me as a person as there is no motivation from his side, no sincerity in knowing people, maybe in particular me after all. All my hurt combined again in the mere notion of people, preferably men going through this world, with their heads held high not even finding the minimum standard of learning to practice empathy, sensitivity and compassion to not hurt other people, to live a decent social life in our world. Learning how to communicate in benevolence instead of making it a fight for their own ego, winning a game of ego-identity; believing for themselves that they are the best, the greatest out of a lack of love. Actually being the ones wanting to be seen, heard, loved, held in the arms, comforted and safe, going around in the attempt to get the attention, they need, blowing themselves up in a bigger proportion to make themselves feel better. As when someone is coming by to scratch that picture perfect construct on the surface, they go into defense, push it off, turn it around, make you the perpetrator because you have pointed out what they failed to see, what they at no point, could see, blindfolded by their own beliefs.
No sense, no effectiveness, no productivity in the communication in conflict as the only objective is to keep the ego alive, make it stronger and not find common ground, understanding and closeness with the other person to build a trustful relationship where two people come together to make life more beautiful than it would be alone. All the objective is focused on keeping the self alive, the self-created identity that was built to protect, built to defend us from hurt, as it is now protecting us from love as well, as it is protecting us from all feelings. No wall that will defend us from selective feelings. Once we choose to keep pain out, love is kept out the same.
I see him in front of my inner eye. No emotions. Calm and indifferent. He has learned it well. Feelings seem hard to find anywhere reachable. Not coming to the surface, buried somewhere deeply. It's sad. And it's been hurting me as I made it mine when again it wasn't about me. Since all the hurt we give into the world will have to find relief somewhere, at some point. I shall not have taken it on to me again. I'm sorry.
Finding my own pain mirrored so meticulously in people who don't even have the lowest standard of not hurting people, a sense for the well-being of others. Learning to come back to our most natural self, our nature of love, kindness, understanding, sensitivity, compassion and empathy. Seeing people not even having the motivation to be a decent human being as we are all one in this planet that we need to care for the next person, making me so ill. So sick, so disgusted. The feeling of repulsion making my whole body ache from all the pain in the world. The wars, the hunger, the unfairness, the hurt, the tortured. All the harm people are doing to one another not finding an ending because people still choose to not care for others, not look outside but only look out for their own wants and needs instead of a way to what we could possibly do to heal together. Rather they decide to stay in their own comfort zone because others don't matter like they do. No compromise or understanding for the greater good. The Greater Good. If only we could more often consider. The world would be a better place.
And yet all of my thoughts, feeling and impressions may be very far from the truth as I am not seeing clearly. Maybe he is none of this. Maybe I went through an experience solely imprinted by my own past. Maybe I was only hurt because he had no interest in me at no point, nothing more. Maybe he is a very attentive person, who is loving caring in every way possible, making sure people around him are ok, seeing how they're feeling, paying attention to them at all times and only he didn't have a particular interest in me and his only intention was to use me for what he wanted to do in these days. Yet it wouldn't matter as I still know where my standards are and they go not below the basic fundamental human nature. Love. And yet… I have enjoyed the time with him. It’s what I needed to the point where it became, what I not needed anymore.
Love. My Love, she saw it again in my movements, my eyes, the way I spoke. Only minutes later. She looks concerned, her sad eyes making me feel stupid for this unnecessary hurt as she always knows exactly what I am feeling. I am wrought up, misplaced, she can see. She looks at me worried when for two minutes I start splashing like a waterfall again. Oh and I thought he was different she says disappointedly. He was a little bit I say smiling, not fully. Question is she says. Why do you reply to him still? I look at her and smile. I have asked myself the same question I say. This is my last step. My step to the gate of freedom. Only I have to open it. I'm on it. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.
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