The Best Man

… from the person who claimed being the best man I can find in Albania, I find myself sitting on a table with a person who seems much closer to the best version of a person than the one who saw himself in that bright light. Calm, considerate, open, sensitive, easy we talk. We talk about what’s concerning us, has been concerning us for her as we have been caring so much for her over a long time. Easy understanding without pressure, natural. Should be a surprise to the one who in seriousness defined himself as „the best“ whatever that was supposed to mean. The further away this moment the more ridiculous it appears to me. Can a person really say such a thing and mean it? And what kind of perception of the world must create such a narcissistic personality masking the heart to shield it from any emotional human experience? When I told him in the car to the camping what my values were and that I very clearly now knew what I needed and deserved and what not he asked me how I would figure that out. Luckily for this I didn’t need to make an effort as it took nothing more than being with him and observing how I was feeling as he didn’t even make the attempt to fool me into believing something more that he is than he actually was. No hiding or pretending to be selfless or anything equally attractive ,making me compliments or giving me the attention I deserve even when it took effort for him to spare it. None of it so no pretense and a fast revelation of who he is. As there were still enough lovable sides of him that I could appreciate for the time given to us together.

Finishing off my Cappuccino Freddo that’s become my favorite refreshment, stopping me from falling asleep all day, he gets up, pays and grabs the keys. We get going. We are here for her. For her to finally find cure as we all have tried to support her for a long time. She won’t listen, she will keep staying in her own mind, slowly disappearing while everyone around is circling for her. The most selfless, kind and caring woman wanting to manage it all, failing to see that in the attempt for helping more, she is creating more work, more circumstances. Sad to see her falling apart because she refuses to listen to anyone, let alone do what everyone who cares about her tells her to do. He looks at me Lina do you think it’s true what she says and she did what we told her to do yesterday? The look that I give him and then turning to her is enough explanation of what I believe. And so it will become time to accept what is.

The doctor is not coming. Surprise. By the time that’s passing she would have had the possibility to get the best treatment from the best doctors in Tirana but she refuses. And so we are here spending the day, going to pick her to go to eat. Not the worst trip for me, finding myself in a fancy restaurant with a menu full of delicious treats that I haven’t had before. The large mixed salad with the balsamico, hot out the oven baked bread,  fresh butter and olives just the perfect side for the creamy mushrooms, cheesy cream fries and pasta, finishing off with a caramel panna cotta and lemon soda. It could be worse. All inclusive trip for me even for emergency reasons that we cannot change, all catching her yet failing to hold her as she keeps falling…away and apart. I yet enjoy her company, the day to the fullest. It’s like a family trip. The first time out of the camp, in the real world. Only thing that’s still on the list is the pastry shop. Not save from after I’d already had a cup of their delicious ice cream. Having fulfilled that guilty pleasure of mine as well, we sit down at the steps in front of the hospital as I unpack my large creamy snickers desert that would be enough sugar for an entire week. Look he points his finger next to me. As I turn my head I see a little baby turtle approaching me. I smile, I move, she’s coming at me distracting me from my bomb of a treat. When she disappears into a tiny whole next to me, he puts his attention back on me, asking me about every tattoo, listening attentively. I notice his calmness in opposite of the best man before. There is no urge of cutting me short or interrupting me. He is interested in my story, in me, what I think about life. How I think it would work with relationships. His genuine interest coming across so refreshing for me that I again realize how shallow the conversations before, how poor the frequency of the ones in my past, even bringing back memories from India. Another best man. All the best men, truly believe there comes nothing beyond them when it’s on the lowest edge of what’s humanly possible to give in a relationship, so convinced of their greatness. Humility, humbleness, grounding? Not here. Wait. Did I really believe this? Do they really believe this?

My thoughts get interrupted when he stops the car as two German cars are standing on the side of the street, Albanian police men trying to have a communication with the German car holders, apparently failing. We all open the doors. Ah Ze Germans I say laughingly as only minutes ago we pointed out how many Germans are in Albania this summer, following me around. Let’s have an Albanian German intercultural communication. Isn’t this what I’ve studied a few ago anyways?! Walking towards the young men I smile and welcome them in German, they’re smiling back, my Albanian company approaching the police men, we’re all forming a group figuring out why the police has stopped them within two minutes. A missing wallet with a German ID at the gas station. The Albanian police, always friendly, always helpful. They’re happy and promise to let the group know that they’ve found the wallet. Saying bye in three languages we get into the car and finally make it back the last few kilometers with the desert wind of 40 degrees blowing in our faces. The fresh water from the source from 10 minutes earlier already dry in my clothes. The camp is near, the water is near and my soul clear. As clear as the water, my necklace, the heart of the water around my neck, the blue stone reflecting the sun he says be careful that you don’t lose it when you jump in the water when he sees it floating on the surface. Attentiveness, again. Such a contrast to           I think your weight is 65kg […] what you cannot get up with one leg straight? And so forth and so on… care instead competitiveness. Such a relief. 

What a life. So beautiful. So rare. So full. So rich as she says to me when she’s looking at me in the restaurant, holding my hand you’re everywhere my love. I wonder who loves your name more, you or your dad. I wonder who loves me more. She or my blood family. No matter that love is the biggest gift I could ever receive making me the richest person in the world. Let alone the love of my friends. I tip on my messenger. 40 minutes voice message. This is the love. Who am I to be with the best when I’m just a simple girl who needs nothing other than that kind of authentic love she already knows?!

People need people he says wrapped perfectly into the context of our night conversation. That’s it. As simple as it is. The words I couldn’t describe to all the factors that threw me off so much as to what I call being human. And how will we find connection to the one thing that is keeping us alive and breathing if we don’t put an effort in, treasure it, making it the most holy act, the center of our life?