Dream Big Live Bigger

Let me add something about Lina. We sit at our daily watermelon party. He’s talking sweet about my dad and our time together. People walking in and out smiling at me. Ah you’re back, how are you? I know everyone. Like home. Like home again wherever I go. Two hours of studying the Georgian alphabet, my head bursting from curly letters, not having studied a long time, my eyes are tired, another day in the city has passed what feels like within minutes; ideas growing inside of me while I try to recover from all that’s been happening in such a short time.

Three days later it's not only ideas growing inside of me. It's the entire cosmos conspiring for me in a way so spectacular, I could have not imagined, exceeding any expectation for the moments I had. 

Running back to the Hostel, it's yet my third Saturday afternoon. Two weeks of Tbilisi, two weeks full of magic, of encounters dissolving around the decision I made. Fully and consciously as so many people who love me have done - starting five years ago when I knew I couldn't leave. I would be back. I would stay. Crying my heart out like a child, like this country didn’t wanna let me go. Anyone ever since, only taking one look at me when I talk about it, seeing the spark in my eyes, hearing the enthusiasm in my voice, had no doubt that this will be me. Here. Do you have Georgian roots? How long have you been here? You live here? This is your place? You look like you're Georgian. You speak Georgian? You look like you belong here. Never ending comments. From near from far. From travelers, friends, family, strangers and Georgians themselves. I knew. In my heart, always from when I touched this country for the first time. I love Georgia. Georgia loves you. Tears wouldn't cease to stream down my face when I had to leave this place. I knew. But I was scared. I was running. I kept running. Running to find... What? Lina let me ask you something. You are in a place where you experience magic every time you go. Where you feel home, where you belong, where you feel safe. Where you have people, your happy place your safe space. Why do you wanna leave that place? I hear her voice in my ear right after he's offered me to financially support whatever it is I wish to establish here. 

I'm taking it in. I try to feel deep inside. I’m allowing for everything to happen that shall happen for me. Where am I going? Why am I going? I feel scared. Overwhelmed. Like this is too big. Me. Founding. A foundation... a home... a base... a life. Fear. Good fear is slowly crawling up my body. That's what it is. I heard about this feeling before. When that feeling arrives that you get scared because it seems too big, too good to be true - then: STAY. Stay and the Universe will conspire for you, for  everything to happen that you wish for. Only you need to make a decision. Dedication. Go into action. Go for what you want, for what you want to create. For what you believe in. And so I do. With the help of God and all that exists.

One week has passed since, each day, creating more synchronizations around me, promoting the dynamics of my dreams in ways that leave me in awe. Astonished. 

And there I am running up the stairs, enthusiastic, excited, my head glimmering. I’m standing in the middle of the dorm. You weren't kidding when you said they did have a shower in the café. I'm laughing. No I wasn't. I just showered again. Before and after. Lina showered. The water is gone. Lina returns, the water is back. Oh you Bastard. Two showers. My friend from last night. Getting into the shower not to be seen again for two hours. They're hanging out of their beds. Thank you so much for the hint with the café. I start spilling my experience like there's no tomorrow. This café that I wanted to go to only few days ago when there was no space for me. It was because today it was my space. I felt it. This time like a clear calling. I'm going. I grab my bag when everyone else is still on breaks. When I arrive i find the place empty. I'm satisfied. I sit down in an armchair next to the window and take out my laptop finishing off the letter to my dad. Ending it with the topic I'm most passionate about. Women. Women empowerment. How to treat women. I close the laptop while my dad is bombarding me with messages. He doesn’t know yet. I look up. A young man sitting next to me. He's holding this book. That book that's gotten to me so deeply. All about love. I remember. I gave that book to her. My closest one. The one who lived in the city he’s coming from. With the name of his friend. I will only figure this all out later that night. I go up to him, we're practically next to each other as this place is so tiny. As I approach him, a whole new level of magic arises. 

Wasn't it enough that when I spoke to my mom about my dad, having her support me, help me to see clearly, listening to me, evolving in my dream, letting me know that I still get financial support from her for what I want to do? There dissolves the next fear in front of my eyes. My mom wanting to come to my new life as well. I receive a message from a young Georgian woman asking me if I want to help her mom cooking. In a project. With young people. In nature. There's nothing I wish more than to be where I can help, where I can learn about the country I want to live in, with the people who were born here. The local family teaching me how to cook and maybe improve my Georgian. From scratch. Finally being involved to confront myself with my next shame. The shame organization that he will show me only one day later. In the café. Giving me this unique opportunity of acquiring the skills that I need to manifest what I'm dreaming of. Involving me in my passion that I'm missing so much during traveling. Lina we saw that you like to cook. Would you like to come and help us? Would I? Is that another call? Over the week I've been looking everywhere but I couldn't find the place. Now I know why. The place had to find me. And not only that. But for the time being when space returns, also my friend returns. With her Georgian husband, a tour guide. To Tblisi. Ah and Lina when we get back, let's meet and discuss about your ideas about planning travel itineraries. We are also planning on organizing group tours. And here we are. The German- Georgian collaboration. Two Worlds coming together.

Back in the café. I look at his book, we start talking. Women. I tell him how happy I am about him, a man reading this book. He's smiling; we get into the conversation. I'm going to Batumi on Monday he says. Me too. We're laughing. He asks to join me in the place one day. He's like me. He's living here like I do. I ask him about what he does causing what feels like a wave of synchronicities taking over the entire conversation. An NGO. A queer NGO. A shame NGO. The women's circle I wanted to found. The book. I look at him. Oh my god. I cannot believe this is happening. Half a year ago when I read this book, that shook me so profoundly, in so many ways inside me causing me to ask all questions of life. Where do I want to be. How do I want to live. What do I need to do for my happiness in this world? For my heart to be evolving to go into this world upfront with my values? Half a year ago. I look at him. And I sit in my depression back in Berlin like I hear the calling, researching organizations in Georgia that support women's rights. Actually sending out mails to organizations. And here I am with this young man, living here for the next half year, doing the same, showing me what I wanted to find. Again. While I'm telling him parts of my path, of my story, of my love for Georgia and my plans to finally be courageous enough to stay instead of running. Our plans are matching from the clubs, to the places, our interests, our views on life. I get goosebumps while I’m speaking, noticing the butterfly effect from all the last years accumulating here now. It’s that feeling that people talk about. The knowing about something bigger. Bigger than we can see but even deeper to feel. When you know, you know. My heart is jumping as it has been all these days when each day anew, I stand across another and another and another person, giving me a tiny part of them, completing me for what I need. 

Like the night before with the two open hearted, curious guys who came with the necessary respect and interest in understanding life, humans, women, me. I think you're some sort of magic. They say. I think you're a witch. I think they're right. Even leaving two clubs behind us, not having danced a second we are happy enough with the large beer bottle in our hands, dancing in the rain, returning to the hostel where the rest has been waiting for us, curious to know what has happened. 

The next night I find myself in the same spot right of the left bank. Again waiting for a sign from the universe - for a yes or no, my eye lids heavy from all the happenings. I want this night. It’s my last night. As I wait for his go three young women appear, a beer bottle in their hands sitting next to me. Again I see myself sharing the story as they were the sign I needed, going to the same place that I was waiting for. [My phone slips out of my bed, dropping on the floor only an arm length away. My bunk bed companion, going out of his way, returning, bending down, getting me my phone. Every time I go he will hold the door open for me, every time I come he will smile at me shyly, this quiet kindness that’s so rare].

I return. Return to my senses and do what I do best. Take them with me as we’re already invited to a bar. Our way leads us back to the same place. That place I had spotted. A place crowded with unique people. Getting a drink, I try to spot him, across the bar, I smile, I wave, it’s him. And… surprise, the one with the name, she says I cannot. Another witch. She says that’s the meaning. The more we talk, the wider our eyes get when we find the same synchronicities between us, we name it. We are it. We’re smiling about it and we are sure about it. I found new company for when I return. I establish my surrounding, lucky enough to find the right people for me going into the night like last time. Only one thing I miss. One person I miss. 

Nostalgia. Already. I don’t know how I came to feel so much love for that person from the first time I looked at him. You sweet mouse he says the next day when I hear his voice again. Question is who is the sweet mouse. I’m so happy. Every time he’s speaking I get this warm feeling around my heart spreading throughout my entire body. Longing it is I believe, I’m not sure. Thinking about all the things that I would love experience with him makes me smile, makes me look forward to what’s coming, awaiting the next weeks with anticipation for all we could do. Today when I hear his voice and what he’s conveying to me, I know why he’s so close to my heart. His sensitivity, his ease and the love he shares with me every time he’s speaking to me, giving me the feeling that I matter. That I matter to him. For no reason. Only because I am. The most precious feeling there is. And I am lucky enough to receive it from him without having to work for it, to fight for it, to beg for it. The universe means well for me.

I love this place. I love the people. I love this life. Not a minute has passed for two weeks that I couldn't feel the magic. Breathless. I start seeing my life ahead of me. Only one thing has changed. The feeling. It's no more fear I feel. It's love. It's happiness. Hopeful anticipation. It feels true, it feels right. The first rules of manifestation. It already is true. It already is happening today. Here. Now. I have not felt myself manifesting in such a long time as my heart has been burdened from what I didn't know. My heart heavy, my soul clouded, I can slowly feel the clouds moving, my heart shining again. In all dimensional colors. The colors of the Universe that make dreams come true. Any dream, all of them. Only if we're brave enough. And fear no shame of dreaming big and living bigger.