Miss Universe Reconnected

 

Hello Miss Universe. May I come in? It's my new friend coming to see me in my queen size room only for me. My private space. My home at home. For it feels now as if I was never gone. My head is spinning from happiness, Eupholina is back. As I almost forgot how she feels this place is bringing it all back. It seems to be something with you and this country he says. He is not the only one, in fact it's everyone. It is the magic that this place is bringing out in me every time I enter. Stay as long as you want to. Lina I told you it's your hostel. I don't care. You can stay you can leave whenever you like. Do whatever you like. It feels like I've forgotten the Magic I had when I was away from here. Everything falling right into my lap as and when I need it. 

After a 12 hour sleep, I do some stretching, wash my clothes and eat to get out. I want to go out. Why did you not tell me you want to wash clothes? You could have used the washing machine, free of charge, for good girls like you. Elman. Up to that point I would have just guessed he is like this with everyone, a home more than a hostel. Now in my own space I know it's not really everyone. 

Excitedly I make my way through the streets to the other side of the river, attentively watching every house, every corner stone, every, sign, every shop, bar, cafe and restaurant to see the changes. The changes of a city that feels like I've never left it, yet so many places have changed. I look the people who cross my path in the eyes, I say hello, I feel like I know them. Every place I enter feels like I've been there. I feel so comfortable as if I never left. Are you Georgian? One and a half days it took, and only a two minute conversation. There it is back. Indeed I feel local from the heart. From the first time five years ago when people who never saw me before pointed out the magic that seems to surround me wherever I go, as if I belonged here. When the Georgians made me their own child. Wherever I went as until now. Memories returning, perfectly blending into to present as if history is repeating itself yet in a different light.

As I walk the city, I grab my all time favorite snack - churchkhela, some aubergine salad, hot fresh bread from the stone oven, Sulguni cheese, beer and not to forget - Svan salt making everything taste like magic. I am in heaven. My heart is beating excitedly as my cousin is accompanying me on each step, at least the same excited that I am. All these tiny new places, restaurants and cafes, sweet and unique like the first one I ever entered. A authentic mix of modern and antique furbished crockery with the cutest golden details, placed generously across the beautiful gardens and yards, wooden balconies with ancient ornaments, terraces with old wall carpets, Georgian paintings, flowers and art. Musical instruments and old tools set up to complete the picture. The bar in colorful lights, old phones, speakers and accompanying music. I feel like in a perfect set up. Cozy arm chairs with floral decorations from grandma's time, purple flowers on the table. Still the fancy, modern drinks in mugs and large glasses, colorful and fresh side by side with the traditional amber and red wine. Five years earlier, everything started here for me. Entire days we spent eating, drinking from noon until night, bringing new friends every day. It seems you belong here. Since you know your way around here I have a question... The reflections remain the same. From when I first came until now. I think I've seen you before. I think so too. Memories returning. My phone bringing me back to the present moment.

Ding ding ding, pling. It won't stop ringing once I started connecting to people to find someone to go out at night. I knew probably this wouldn't be necessary, yet it was the gate opener to magic, the key, bringing me the actual person I was waiting for when all the others disappeared like smoke in the air at the moment I was in the right company. Connecting to all the Georgians new and old I find myself overwhelmed and yet not convinced of wanting to get involved with anyone. My bags filled with plans for the night I return to the hostel, to shower of the sweaty heat from the city and get the night started. Arriving back in the dormitory, I find myself faced with the person I soon want to call my friend. I feel it from the moment I look at him. I made a German corner Elman says. I'm laughing, I'm in high spirits. Thank you, amazing. You just brought me my party buddy I think and hope he thinks the same. As it turns out he seems to be on the same frequency. Both of us taking our time to get ready before hitting the night life, I can't believe my luck. I already know I needed this. His vibe is just the kind of person I need by my side to feel safe, easy and happy. The topics come up naturally, no matter what we start speaking about, it brings me on and on to the next thought, the next idea. Inspiring my creativity and my urge to move, to grow, to go and do. I feel like we're thinking so much alike that most things need no explanation. Not our travels, our lifestyle, friends and family, or our world views. Not have I heard a single person before talking about their loved ones the way I do, he does. When getting dressed, he offers me his pants. They look good on you. Making me feel confident, something of importance to me. I realize much later that having banned almost every male person from my life except for my dad also leaves an impact on me. No matter how much I love my female friends, sometimes a male view on things, a compliment, reassurance that I am not totally abnormal can be helpful from the perspective of a man. I feel this immediately when he is speaking to me and understands me. My circle of friends mostly consists of women he confesses. I can totally understand when you say you did not meet a decent guy in the last five years. The stories I hear from my female friends let me doubt manhood. There are so many idiots and jerks out there. I feel seen, I don't need to explain. 

Reminding me of my last disappointment, entangled with the one two years before, returning here in the country of origin two years later, bringing me into the same situation, bringing back what was and how he threw me out the car and left. Only writing a few lines, he brings back up the same feelings inside of me when he shows not the slightest trait of empathy but like the one before, in the exact same manner only wants to have a communication under his conditions, whenever he wants and in his terms, without even making an effort of understanding what I have to say. It makes me sad and frustrated. The level of shame these guys have is so low that sincerely they believe it's their right to only push through their side with no respect to the other one. THEY have to be heard, THEY have to be seen. It drains me and it hurts me. I cut the conversation off. Blocking away. Number two. It feels freeing. I let go. I set boundaries for what I don’t deserve. No more.

Ok tonight we are going to find you a guy, my new friend says. I doubt it, nevertheless with him by my side I don't need to. I feel like I've found someone to feel relaxed with by my side, maybe for longer than only a few days. It would make me more than happy. He reminds me of my last travel companion from exactly two years ago. Like my brother, he would keep me safe while we were exploring the country. Downing a few whiskey sours we get into personal conversations without heaviness. The ease of the party night is still on. I tell you this because I think it won't change your view on me, I feel that I can trust you. These are my most favorite words in the world from when I first heard them many years ago from someone I cared very much about and keep hearing them ever since, even more from people I don't know so well. They make me feel alive, ground me, fill me with gratitude for all there is to live for. Trust, empathy, compassion, care, kindness, honesty, nonjudgement, openness and attentiveness for one another. I'm glad to hear them out of his mouth. It's a stable basis for our techno night ahead. Switching from the hipster location number one of Tblisi night life to the tiny colorful bar across the street, we walk down the stairs into the basement. Fresh air and the widest range of chacha flavors I've seen anywhere in Georgia awaiting us. My death sentence, I yet enjoy when once I wrote down exactly this as a business concept, finding it realized before my eyes. Phil is sticking with beer, grimacing his face by only taking one drop of the strong alcoholic drink. He pulls out a little stack of cosmic, universe pictures, hands it to me and tells me to pick one. Stars aligning. He is having this little tradition with deserving people that he likes when meeting them traveling. I cannot believe it. It's another of these little things that I have never met someone doing something like this when for the last years I was traveling with my little reminder cards, the cards where everyone found their own personal spiritual reminder or hint of what they needed in life. It feels amazing to be on the other side for once, experiencing someone handing me such a precious gift.

Sometime what I guess must be far after midnight, we decide to take a taxi and hit the club. By this time my lights are already very dark as I find it hard the next day to put the puzzle pieces of the night together. Buying more drinks in the club, speaking to different people, I find myself in some strange situations where I am not sure how I got myself into them. Apparently so I had a fun night, causing me a massive hangover the next day. At 5am I decide that it would be a good idea for me to get back home. A young Georgian man is so kind as to call a taxi, pay it and even bring me back to the hostel himself. I must have looked as if I needed the help and I'm happy I got it, not able to remember the next day even how I walked into the hostel, finding Phil sleeping on his bed. I am tempted for a second to wake him up as his phone is still in his hands. Wisely enough I decide to not follow my idea and let him sleep.

I was looking for you. I couldn't find you he says the next day, actually the same day when I wake up around noon. Trying to remember how that could be possible I get an idea of what may have happened. Making myself some coffee, I ask my dad if we shall have a call. Only two seconds later my phone is ringing for the first time since I left, speaking to my dad. So many things to tell, my head spinning again from excitement and happiness; we're almost hanging up when he quietly, holding it back so far that I can barely hear him, almost hesitant he is telling me that he still has a week of vacation. It's been two years, never a word of it. Always have I asked myself what’s holding him back. I take the hint, hang up the phone and spend the rest of the day researching, going back on the phone, organizing, booking, planning until it's done and I am happy and exhausted and Euphoric!!!! My dad is coming to see me. In one day. I cannot believe it. Finally and spontaneously. All these pieces falling together, I wanna share the news, I wanna tell the whole world. I send Phil a message, I'm going to eat ice cream. He was faster. I'm laughing, what a mistake to go without me when I needed the same treat. Hangover ice cream. I tell him that he will have to come later for some news. I needed to share my overwhelming ecstasy, preferably with him. Somehow the conversation from the night before did something, when he spoke about his dad, I knew he would like mine as well. And there he was.

While I am coloring my hair blonde again as I did the last time before leaving this country other energies seem to synchronize for the same topics as back then and now. The Chacha is coming back. Survival, the tattoos, my dad, there it is again. I guess it's time for another tattoo he says, standing on my balcony. Flying into my large over heated ballroom, greeting me Hello Ms. Universe. He is happy with me. For me. I can feel it, I cannot appreciate anything more than a person with sincere empathy for other people. I wish for him to meet with my dad. I wish for myself to become his friend. I am so curious to get to know him better, maybe to find someone by my side that I can trust and love as a human being in my journey, wherever it may take me.