Moving On

 

The next day we all feel it, yet it was not in any way short from the last. Getting together in the morning trying to bring some of our plans into realization, he picks me with his car to go to the black water. My favorite spot. Maybe this icy cold can bring back some life into our drained bodies, retreating from last night. Luckily he has AC in his car which we both enjoy for our half hour drive. Picking up Burek on the way, we move through the incredible landscape of turquoise Vjosë and the green mountains. I enjoy his company so much. It’s just exactly what I needed and I knew it when j first saw his car pulling in to the driveway. Only two days ago. It was, that wasn’t what it felt like for me. Spending the time together in such ease, joking around, talking, I feel safe with him, easy, natural. I can talk to him about anything crossing my mind, he would be listening, paying attention. The attentiveness that draws me in to people, naturally as it is what is building the connection between the two of us. Easy, yet close. It feels familiar. You remind me of my mother and aunt somehow he points out when I’m cooking singing along. The way he says it feels like a genuine compliment to me just like the thoughts he’s sharing with me. Uncomplicated, open yet deep enough to see me. As I think he feels the same. I enjoyed the time with you a lot. Thank you for today. I believe we’re on the same page. From the moment he set foot in the camp. His fun attitude attracting the same energies. Saying bye is never easy. This one feels awkward too. It was too short. But it was right. We made the most of what was given to us and that makes me truly grateful. You smell good I say as he is hugging me tightly. Shower or deodorant? He’s laughing. Shower. Ha who needs showers? A last hug, a smile and I don’t turn around again. I will feel what I feel in this moment and when it’s gone, I will appreciate it for what it was. If I let all of it come through me, I would have to recognize how again a short encounter has given me deep appreciation and happiness and that it has left me again too. As everything is always moving, flowing, I guess I wish for something to stay. Someone someday.

It’s ok I know some day I’m gonna be with you. - Tom Rosenthal 

And who is taking care of you? She asks as if she knew me. I’m standing next to the sink where she’s washing her clothes. You were here two years ago. I remember your face, I saw it in a picture, you got to know my daughter. You did all the money collecting and helping Dona in the camp right? Another partner in crime who is very aware of the situation and everything it includes, someone who has seen all the different levels of their ever growing misery. Their ignorance, their self sabotage, their kindness, their total disastrous living circumstances, their every day struggle and her having a large share of responsibility for it, causing it herself by avoiding unnecessary steps to end the suffering. Everyone is nsynch about this, on the same page completely, offering all the necessary tools and resources for them to have the opportunity to get better - she refuses and I am leaving. Leaving me with frustration, in desperation, not only having her admitting that she’s sabotaging everything herself by letting the enemy use her own home to destroy her own business, leaving me speechless. I love her so much but my heart can also only take so much. Fighting every day against windmills, with no results as whenever you make one thing better, she comes reversing everything, exponentially raising the difficulties, cultivating and implementing them carefully every day of her life. All my work going into nowhere like the help of everyone else who loves her. It’s breaking me, it’s breaking her and everyone who loves her.

Tears in my eyes, the bus to Tirana starts moving, I’m leaving for the first time in this journey after leaving my home country, the first big change. Her bracelet around my wrist to protect me, we cross over the bridge of my beautiful Vjosë, my favorite every day spring of fresh water so clear, turquoise reflecting the blue sky today as every day. I’m leaving. 

Holding her for the last time, crying endless painful tears of goodbye, of separation as we don’t know if we will see each other again. Holding her tiny body in my arms it’s hard to realize I will have to let her go, leave her to her own fate. Her husband’s little nieces come inside, they know exactly, like last time. She embraces me tightly around my waist like last time looking up into my eyes, moving her head to kiss my cheek again and again as her sister comes to join. They look at us in empathy, at me. Bye Lina, they smile softly, calmly as if I was family from the first day they saw me I still don’t know how they even know my name. I cry, I take my backpacks as she insists to take her money. Going outside I say bye to the last guests we have today, the family I spent my last time with. The camp is empty. For the first time since I arrived as if it was to tell me to leave. That there’s nothing left for me to be, to do. It’s done. My time here is done. I approach Beni‘s table. I’m not sure he was aware I was leaving. Asking her only minutes before I am leaving, why he had yelled at her, she tells me of how she’s ruining their own business, how she’s making herself sick of her own intended actions, I understand why he is yelling at her like I do, for the same reasons every day and how even he must be so exhausted no matter her kindness, her big heart ruining herself, destroying herself each day more when everyone is reaching out to her, offering the help necessary, she refuses, rejecting everything for different excuses. I feel sympathy. By his look I can imagine he wouldn’t know I was leaving, a shimmer of surprise crossing his worked up, tired, yet active face, he comes to standing to hug me, shaking his head slightly. Thank you he says quietly. I will come back I say. He doesn’t comment. I wonder if he knows that may not be another chance for it. You’re going to the city? He asks, I nod. I drive you. After refusing her calling me a taxi, I get directly into his car. We sit in silence until he drops me at the bus station. Another thank you and he takes off. Here I am on my way. With all mixed up emotions in a big bundle with all the different encounters in my backpack, all the wishes for a good journey, to be safe, happy, take care of myself. All the knowingness that I will find my place, all the support and love I could wish for. Paulina is missing you. We wish you the best on your journey. The family from a week ago with their lovely children like so many others. Another hug from the back, the one who needed one look into my eyes to know who I am. I wish you the best on your journey. Make sure you find someone to take care of you, she smiles knowingly after only a few minutes of conversation. I take another sip of Prosecco.

You are there. You are always there, I know.

I listen to her voice. I’m trying to be. I’m ok. As I talk about it with the father and his daughter while we drink the Prosecco that she forced me to open before I go. Living in the moment, going back to India, to Nepal, to meditation in the here and now. Everything is as it should be. Now and always. It feels like a full circle. Chapter closed. The cycle repeating bringing me where I needed to be to let it go and move on.