Georgian Lina Lost and Found
Safe your tears for another day. In my ear, my heart song. Just at the right time. That’s how I feel. Having him encouraging me, happy for me, seeing that he would have done nothing rather than coming with me, yet being on the right way for him, leaving me with nothing but gratitude, in awe for another beautiful human being that will remain part of my life. I will not forget you. And I will see you again. It’s that day of goodbyes. The girl next to me is crying too as she’s saying bye to a man. I’m sitting in the last seat, tight. Everything is perfect. Life is good.
I return to the place I left five weeks ago. Welcomed as expected. The one who left and returned. The lost child. Entering, they're sitting on the table, he's looking at me. Hey welcome back, go upstairs, pick whatever bed you want, it's your hostel. One big kiss he gave me one day before. On the right cheek. I run up and get ready for my date. A date that will include a lot of drinking sparkling. We get along from the first moment despite being completely different. Many stories to tell, we don't stop talking for even a few seconds. He's getting drinks. After I’m telling him a little part of my story he says: You are really one of these full blood travelers. I can literally see you in 15 years, sitting here in your garden with your Georgian husband, a German TV report team coming to make a documentary about you, your child playing in the background. This is Lina from Germany, she's moved here 15 years ago when she fell in love with that country. Today she owns the most successful travel company of Georgia. I am smiling as if he had just manifested my future for me. As her passion she's owning an Ayurveda resort in the remote mountains of Georgia to bring the ancient studies of alternative medicine back to Europe and cross over old far East traditions with her own roots. What a life.
It's a spontaneous meeting, that turns out unexpected in many ways, closing with an also unexpected kiss. A kiss I enjoy. A kiss that comes out of nowhere before I go back and was just the right closing for the day. I smile. This man is somehow a man. A man who is different from the kind of people I usually surround myself with, yet we're finding a different way of coming together. A way that creates an unusual joyful night as the topics won't cease to bubble out of our minds. Having far over five fizzy drinks, it has become later than midnight and we agree that we are too tired to make it to the club. The kiss as our good bye for the night like my favorite's kiss 12 hours before when I had to let him go.
When I return to the hostel it's nowhere near sleeping time. People are drinking, having conversations, discussions on the table and so I find myself in less than two minutes with another vodka in my hands. I join the group, joining their conversation. When they realize who I am, they get excited. Ah so it is you, Lina. Elman talks about you all the time. How you do yoga, how he wants you to work with him. Always asking when you return. Wow the famous Lina. It's such an honor to meet you finally. I am laughing. I do not believe this. Lina are you gonna be here? I wanna leave for 30 minutes. You will take care of the hostel? He is whispering, giving me a conspiratorial look. Here we are again. It's real. It's my place. He made me part of it since I arrived and has also let people know about it.
The last days sending me men on and on. Men who I can rely on, men who show me that they want to spend time with me, to know me. It's a very much missed feeling. A feeling I maybe never had before in that way. A form of appreciation, reassurance of my worth, of how great it is to be part of my life. Opening up to me, sharing very personal stories and feelings with me in trust even though they only just got to know me. My Turkish friend affirming that he wants me to come back, to hold me, to hug me. An offer I only know to appreciate later on. My future date somehow figuring although he has never met me what my recent situation looking like, asking me politely not to go on too may dates before he gets the chance to meet me. It was kind of obvious he say. Maybe it seems obvious now, the Universe sending me more and more of the same.
More of it I say and more of it, coming right along while I am writing the words. I leave the hostel with a new crew by my side. A crew for only that evening as everyone will be splitting soon. It doesn't take me more than five minutes to feel their amazing vibe, knowing that this will be my kind of people. And my kind of people they are, as this beautiful next to me is sharing her personal stories, I cannot believe how much I feel connected to her and how much it will grow even throughout these few hours that brought us together until we're hugging closely, she's looking at me I'm so happy we got to know each other even for such a short time, sharing our intimate stories while the other two are patiently listening, never interrupting, supporting, hearing us, seeing us. How lucky we are. You are such beautiful souls. Take care of yourself. I'm overwhelmed from the moment we walk out of the hostel when my date from last night asks me to join him in the sulfur bath, laughing along with my new friends for a night, debating if I can go naked, they're eager to see pictures of either one. My future and my past date. Handsome picks as we figure out that the sulfur bath is out of my budget, I get lucky enough to experience that new friendship creating unexpected dynamics. You are a psychologist no? You are a tour guide for Georgia right? I nod for both. I guess I am all of it in one way or an other. Sitting on the Georgian Linner table I enjoy every second of our laughter when this beautiful woman is moaning with every bite of the mushroom khinkali, with every piece of the stuffed paprika, looking at me in gratitude for bringing her here for the last meal before she takes of the center of Asia. I'm smiling as the beer and chacha starts flowing - so do the Georgian good bye vibes, just like the day before. Seems like this time of the year. Being confronted with a new decision of where to go next after separating from these wonderful people, I receive the answer immediately. Harvesting wine with my future date in the wine region of Kakheti. Always wanted to do it. I'm jumping around with happiness pushing it right on to her next to me laughing full heartedly along. We're looking each other in the eyes, we know. As she will share her personal stories while we're chugging more drinks before her flight, I feel our hearts growing closer together while she's telling similar stories that I have experienced. Being in the presence of these two young men, fully aware, fully there, fully all in with us is more than healing, affirming yet one more time what the universe has blessed me with the days before. Love, sensitivity, respect, empathy, encouragement, connection.
Yet it also confronts me with one of the left over species. And what good has come out of your last relationship? Lina. Well that’s one that’s making me smile. She’s serious. She’s laughing into the phone from her heart, carrying me in her heart. Sharing her love with me in all she is. One of them who helps me getting through the night with one of the other species that I find myself confronted with after the last days of sincerity, love and joy. Another lost boy, hurt but unconscious. Sleeping in his deep old programmed mind, completely blind for what he is or how he acts, disconnected from his heart and feelings and therefore anyone else’s. Loosely projecting his black and white thoughts on me throughout the night until I reject his kiss. He’s not willing to believe that my no was a serious one. Laughing at me, sure that in reality I did want to kiss him. Two bottles of high class wine and three hours with this immature boy, I angrily take my last zip while I’m telling him that what he does is straight up disrespectful, manipulative and narcissistic with no empathy for the other person which is not even good enough of a perspective for me to wipe away the smile across his face but to rather come up with the oldest manipulative strategy of human kind, turning it around on me. Playing the she’s an overreacting crazy woman card, telling me I was projecting, incapable of understanding that there actually are women in the world who would not want to kiss him but would maybe sincerely feel completely turned off by his defensive, immature behavior. Poor child. Not leaving a drop of the exquisite wine, I take a last sip and run out the restaurant, getting myself a taxi back home. At least he’s giving me directions where to go after all, now that the wine harvest has become canceled for me. Gogo lamazi. Ah what a failure.
A bit tired but more than ready to leave I return to where I’ve left a few days ago when I left my favorite man behind. There is something about you that makes it dangerously easy to like and love you. I’ve heard it before. I can’t hear it often enough when it comes from someone with a heart of gold who’s seen me from the moment we met and not an unripe fruit that hasn’t known of love before. Not only them have called me wise before but they’re the ones who have forgotten it. You reap what you sow. Harvesting season.
Georgian Lina. You are a good person. My Bolt driver sending me messages after he drops me off, researching the schedule for my trip the next day. Lina visit us, a new group in my chat pops up. My guest house in Racha. The Georgians. My host mom scanning my face when I arrive Have you been here before? Your face looks familiar. I’m Georgian Lina. Locals from the point of departure as of arrival asking around, posting online to make sure they find the right place, right time and right Marshrutka for me. I’m touched. I’m curious and excited for a new place, I haven’t been to before, hopefully finding my balance. Hopefully reconnecting, hopefully being at peace.
Peace. What comes crashing over me like a wave instead is loneliness and longing. A feeling I only know all too well. Every now and then. Feeling like I've scratched so close by having someone with me all the last days when I met these sweet men who wanted to be with me but in a matter of minutes I managed to move along when yet all my longing of being with someone didn't disappear. No instead it became stronger since my most loved one left. This feeling of wanting someone next to me that I could share my experience with. My emotions my feelings. Putting my head on my pillow, an early night, it comes washing over me with no mercy. My heart shaking from love. From pain. From being hurt one too many times. I cannot distract myself from it. It's my heart. Deep inside another patch of how much I've been hurt comes out in the darkness. I'm weak. My mind and body are equally tired and so I cry myself to sleep.
Halsey
Waking up the next morning I feel like I am in such a safe place. But alone. I've had a good amount of sleep but I'm still tired. I hear all different sounds of animals around, slowly getting up to make coffee. I go running, walking. It reminds me of last week. Exploring the region, the remote area of Racha. Locals seem confused to see a European girl in running dress going around. When I return, our house dog is so happy to see me that he is almost making me fall, jumping on me, his paws on my chest, like yesterday when I arrived. He is so overly excited it feels like he knows me and he feels me just like this morning when he came to cuddle me, to be with me, kissing me, putting his head on my lap, I sincerely feel like he is someone I know. Someone who loves me and has missed me for a long time.
I think about last week and the one I left because I didn't know if I was meant to be with him. My thoughts every now and then returning to him as he frankly seemed to be disappointed that I cut our meeting as he wanted to spend time with me. The one who wanted to hold me. To kiss my hair and my neck and put his arms around me, touching my skin. When I'm on the mat I get a message from him. Like he heard my thoughts, felt my heart. He's saying exactly the right things. He saying everything I need to hear and that I am wishing for which makes me wanna go to be in his arms even more. My heart is hurt, my soul undecided. My longing everywhere and nowhere. Time to make decisions until I can finally wrap my arms around my cousin who has been nothing but an angel for the last days to support anything coming up for me, for us. One more week until I will have my longing of having a loved one next to me fulfilled. One more week...
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