My Spiritual Ego - Morning pages einer Erwachenden

Looking for the best in everyone I miss the reciprocity. With the quietness comes the sadness. The quiet sadness that’s been there all along, only I wasn’t able to feel it from all the outside turmoil. Too much noise. Too much distraction from my own fragile heart wanting to be seen.  Protect yourself otherwise nobody else will do it. He keeps repeating it. They suck out every drop of your blood until you’re dry and even then they keep sucking and leave you completely dry and empty. I go, moving to the mountains. The sky is grey, the air finally autumn cold, after the last two days of sunshine and spring vibes. My kind of weather. Reflecting my heart that I cannot deny anymore is hurt because I wasn’t protecting it right. I never was. In my idealistic approach of wanting to see everyone’s pure heart, bringing out the best in them I forgot that they will not do the same for me. Sometimes I think about how my therapist said many years ago Y ou don’t tend to have depressive episodes. ...

Clarity washing over me, watching the city from above, tears streaming down my face. Streaming. Streams of hurt, betrayal and insight. Whitewashing myself from having given space to abuse. Abuse from men. The last days, weeks, months, years. All my life. It ends here. Now. With me. Today. No more. I couldn’t see clearly. My vision blurred from my pure, kind heart, seeing, understanding the world’s pain. Wanting to cure it. To heal it. Fix the world. Fix the hearts. Erase the pain. Replace it with love. I wasn’t protecting myself. I made myself vulnerable. I wanted to be pure, real, open for the world to find me. Anyone. Fragile, wounded, yet again and again exposing myself to the poison of broken souls, broken hearts, longing to shelter them. A mission as impossible as bringing a dead back to life. Yet I never gave up. Not for 20 years. Twenty years of open projection space for pain. For the pain of the world until I couldn’t hold it anymore and it came running out of me from all pores...

Do you like to have all your answers for life or do you want to find answers? It’s the last night, same dynamic as the nights before around the bonfire when I could not find my voice against his preformed opinions.   He likes to have all the answers in order to form a prefixed picture of the world and the people living in it. Makes it safe for him to stay in control. Making me so upset how he rather likes to close his view on the world and what he believes of people, instead of truly getting to know them, open up, learn something new, become vulnerable, live up to his human fragility. Like my other entanglement that I wanted to be good so much, only focusing on himself as well, smiling into my face, pretending there was never anything between us. One of my weak spots. THE weak spot and therefore an ever occurring and returning hurt of disappointment as long as I don’t want to face the truth that most of human kind tends to live in their own safe space, not on the quest to leave it ...

 Slowly my tears can start rolling out of my eyes while I lie run down in bed. With the wave of emotional rollercoaster riding a flood of rain has come to haunt us for days. Confronting the silence, the quietness to stay with my feelings, unconnected to the ones having caused them, separating themselves from me. Yet I have a deep conviction that this is exactly where I needed to be. I’m part of this. It's not always what we expect, yet it's always what we need, regardless of the fact if we had chosen it to be our reality.  He's looking at me across the table, our eyes meeting, he's not smiling, other than the woman a few minutes ago who smiled at me for my smile. The thunder rumbling. I could cry. Like the sky for days now. The run in the rain after waking up, bringing out my spirits, my playfulness, my sense of freedom and happiness. Running through the grey of the storm on the shore, singing, swinging my arms as if they were wings to take me to far away places. My fav...

Between ice cream, coffee and wine the sun is slowly setting in nature’s most beautiful spectrum of the red color. Bebek is back. At the beach. On time, when the time is right. It’s right. So right. As soon as I enter the hostel I find my two longterm friends sitting where I always find them. I'm too happy to see them, looking up smiling at me.  How long are you here for? Do you have time? Lina could you meet my wife and speak to her? You are so good to speak to. She’s coming tomorrow.  Nothing I would rather do.  I’m so happy because you’re back here. Give me kiss.  A hand on my shoulder, a coffee made, food offered. The vibe meticulously engaging, supportive of my new story line.  I forget my tiredness. I need to take a walk on the beach. Soak in the late summer vibes of the warm sun and the Sea next to me. My heart is beating from excitement. I feel the energy moving through me from head to toe, from my most inner gut through my body until it leaves into the ...