The Darkness that comes with Daylight

 Slowly my tears can start rolling out of my eyes while I lie run down in bed. With the wave of emotional rollercoaster riding a flood of rain has come to haunt us for days. Confronting the silence, the quietness to stay with my feelings, unconnected to the ones having caused them, separating themselves from me. Yet I have a deep conviction that this is exactly where I needed to be. I’m part of this. It's not always what we expect, yet it's always what we need, regardless of the fact if we had chosen it to be our reality. 

He's looking at me across the table, our eyes meeting, he's not smiling, other than the woman a few minutes ago who smiled at me for my smile. The thunder rumbling. I could cry. Like the sky for days now. The run in the rain after waking up, bringing out my spirits, my playfulness, my sense of freedom and happiness. Running through the grey of the storm on the shore, singing, swinging my arms as if they were wings to take me to far away places. My favorite act of self appreciation, letting the air blow through my mind to find some lightness. Some breath. Some space that is holding me for a change.

Nevertheless I can feel my heart aching. The ever occurring notion of only being good enough for some moments in time. For some happy times when it fits into their mood and being ignored, going unseen for all the rest of the time still hurts. Going back and forth in my mind if I should approach him to speak to him, having this feeling in my heart that I don't want to hurt him, at the same not finding any act of him caring the same about my feelings -at all- pending between not giving me any attention, shooting me a smile, asking me where I am sleeping, through finally coming to sit with me after four days, kissing me, wanting more physical touch, only to withdraw himself completely in the end not even looking at me anymore. All within one week. It hurts. No communication at all, only cowardly avoidance as if I never existed, as if I was never part of anything.

I still take all the courage I can find in my heart to speak to him ready to have him walk away from me, ready for him to tell me he doesn't want to speak with me. He does not want me around. What happens has the same result, only hidden in insecurity, dishonesty and avoidance of any sort of feelings, hiding the truth away. The discomfort, the empty look written all across his face when I approach him. His whole being attempting to get away from me with every step I get closer to him. Every fiber in his body already moving when I haven't even started to open my mouth. I still try to catch his sight, his gaze, asking him in all sincerity if we want to talk. He's smiling a fake happy smile asking me about what. Telling me he has a lot to do, everything is ok while he's already distanced himself away from me. Not being able to even look me straight in the eyes or talk to me for more than five seconds. Lying immaturely, hiding away from any interaction at all as if I was an illusion he’s trying to make disappear. It hurts. It does. The cowardice, the hypocrisy of men. The urge to center their world around themselves instead of sympathizing with the person next to them. Human decency. It’s heartbreaking. Maybe always will be for me as I wish to see something different in mankind.

Why are you doing this to yourself? She asks. Righteously so. She is not the only one. Swinging between all the happy exciting experiences from one moment to the next overflowing with the urge of feeling life itself in all facets and the down fall when I realize over and over again that not every encounter is as loyal, as trustworthy and sympathetic as I would wish for them to be. Not every encounter is one made for more than what the moment holds. Not every encounter is as promising as it seems in the light of light headed drunkenness. The bliss of the dizzy drunken nights that sparkle so bright when it's dark. Turning the same dark in the day of the light, filling my heart with the heaviness of disappointment, sadness and guilt. Shame maybe even for myself to give my open heart away just like that in the spark of the moment for I don't want to face the consequences of tomorrow that may be half a broken connection. A new disappointment in human interaction. I love how you are, how you see humankind , your open heart and how you always give everyone a new chance to find what you’re hoping for in this world. Unfortunately they are too dumb. She says. Knowing me inside out she puts a smile on my face at the end of this day, laughing while I lie sick to my stomach in bed, no one around caring much, I feel loved and held by these beautiful beings in my life, bringing the sun back into my heart that’s been overshadowed by the darkness of the day.