Answers

Do you like to have all your answers for life or do you want to find answers? It’s the last night, same dynamic as the nights before around the bonfire when I could not find my voice against his preformed opinions. He likes to have all the answers in order to form a prefixed picture of the world and the people living in it. Makes it safe for him to stay in control. Making me so upset how he rather likes to close his view on the world and what he believes of people, instead of truly getting to know them, open up, learn something new, become vulnerable, live up to his human fragility. Like my other entanglement that I wanted to be good so much, only focusing on himself as well, smiling into my face, pretending there was never anything between us. One of my weak spots. THE weak spot and therefore an ever occurring and returning hurt of disappointment as long as I don’t want to face the truth that most of human kind tends to live in their own safe space, not on the quest to leave it but stay comfortably inside it, not courageous enough to look outside. 

And why would I expect them to? For me? Who am I to hope for this? There is no rational reason why I should be expectant of any person crossing my path changing, opening up for me. Yet I keep walking into the same situations turning out the exact same way, disappointed in myself. A house full of men who pull away from me, turn their back on me, not wanting the leave their shell. Leaving me in a lost place. A sad place. A fragile place.

Inconvenient Truth it’s not listening, letting someone finish to talk only to rather continue and return to speak about yourself.

It’s that time of the year again. Time for me to turn back to my power. I’m at the Marshrutka station. I finally managed to leave that place. That place that has fueled my agony towards men and mankind in general, human behavior over the last days. My disappointment, frustration and sadness about how I am being treated like my existence is not valued taken over me.

My anger slowly subsiding when I shine the light on my own shadows. My darkness, the parts that I wish I didn’t have to feel, slowly turning into sadness about myself. Late summertime sadness. Rebound. No one there to kiss me right before I go. The hostel dark and quiet, I sneak out, not to be missed by anyone yet with parts of my heart left broken again by expecting what wasn’t to be expected. On my path back to myself in the attempt to cut out unworthy distractions.

Going once again on the path for self love just enough to stay true to myself and not betray me and my values, shaking up my soul. The melancholy of the rain guiding my way, the grey heavy drops crackling against the windows mirroring my crying heart.