My Space

Between ice cream, coffee and wine the sun is slowly setting in nature’s most beautiful spectrum of the red color. Bebek is back. At the beach. On time, when the time is right. It’s right. So right. As soon as I enter the hostel I find my two longterm friends sitting where I always find them. I'm too happy to see them, looking up smiling at me. How long are you here for? Do you have time?Lina could you meet my wife and speak to her? You are so good to speak to. She’s coming tomorrow. Nothing I would rather do. I’m so happy because you’re back here. Give me kiss. A hand on my shoulder, a coffee made, food offered. The vibe meticulously engaging, supportive of my new story line. I forget my tiredness. I need to take a walk on the beach. Soak in the late summer vibes of the warm sun and the Sea next to me. My heart is beating from excitement. I feel the energy moving through me from head to toe, from my most inner gut through my body until it leaves into the world through my skin.

A leap of impulse takes me right into the water. I walk down, hearing the rocks moving under my feet, taking off my clothes, walking into the fresh water. Diving inside, swimming, I see a man sitting down next to me, watching. I feel the freedom of the moment, the winter vibe, yet making it summer, having the Sea all to myself while the rest is sitting in their jackets in the dry. Your smile is warmer than the weather. I smile. More of that, I cannot get enough and so it will not stop for me. Not now. Not while I'm here. Curious eyes regarding me. I put myself down on the rocks to dry. I wasn’t planning on it. The moment soaked me in. Inside. A rush of happiness washing over me like all these times before. The last weeks once again connecting me back here for everyone who was with me before. I’m lucky. For everyone who’s opening their arms for me over and over again.

I receive messages from the creator of my own personal movie, two nights ago. The one who created the energy I needed to bring back to this place to rewrite the storyline.

It's night after I watch the amazing sunset, a bottle of wine and a long overdue phone call with my cousin, my friend puts the cake in front of me. Everything I’ve been craving all day, showing up magically, right away. She’s one of us. The fire is sparkling into the night. Everyone joining in the yard. I fixed your bed. It’s available now. He’s sitting down to smoke a cigarette next to me. Home. Just for your info I love you more than him Mm… I can see that. I smile at him. We're sitting together hiding behind the bar, having a little chat away from him. If you marry her you get my Tesla. Not him. Not tonight and not anymore. This story line is being rewritten.

I’ve made the right choice after my quiet days of solitude in privacy, feeding me exactly the energy I needed to return; creating a mindset that would make situations evolve as they needed to be dissolved.

The smile from my personal movie of the last days still written all over my face, reactions as if everyone who takes a look at me could read my mind. An encounter in the cold darkness of the mountains. Totally unforseen that young man, showing up right in front of me, asking if he could help me. The mix between calm empathy, interest and confidence intriguing me. Giving me a comfortable feeling around him. Familiar. Playful, curious, open. Young, fresh, confident. Enjoying the time as it is, no need for complex understandings. Only us for one night - I find myself a few hours later in the back seat of his car, watching over Mestia by night. I cannot stop laughing, imprinting every moment of the experience in my mind, memorizing, rewriting the past weeks. Creating my own little film that I have been wanting to watch for the longest time.  Next chapter. I missed it, yet I wasn't in need of it.

I'm back. Turkish reinvasion. Re-experience. Welcome back Bebek. I miss your kiss and touch. Bebek I would like to see you again. It's the next morning. I want to see you again Bebek. I want everything with you, want you to be near me, some chat, some hug, some cuddle, touch every piece of your body, kiss your face and lips again, feeling the warmness of your touch and a making love eye to eye. I'm getting up for the toilet from writing, still laughing about the flash of offers for physical contact. When I imagine about it, it makes me feel so good he wrote. I can imagine. Here I am again singing to her. 

Hungry for that flesh of mine. Now it's time for me to move on. My body's poetry, speak to me, let me be your muse, use my music.

She got it. My love. SIA.

Taking me back. You have a wonderful voice. I like how you sing. Are you singing for other people? Under the shrapi. I smile. The singing returning as well. More of it I want. And I get here and now.

You like singing right? He's followed me to the kitchen to offer me his tea after he's shoved a piece of creamy cake into my mouth, giving me a kiss on my head. Home. That's all I feel. Sweet Home. Sweet like the cake. 

With the only one not really paying attention to me, sitting across the table like next to me last night. His friend's words meant to be teasing. You know I love you more than he does. Feeling like a reality to me. The reason I was gambling with myself if I shall come back, knowing I cannot receive from him, what I feel I want and deserve. And also I don't want to receive from him anymore. The new story line with a new main character. Me. Nevertheless I'm happy to see him again, as he is too I know, only he may not be able to show it, act on it, letting the ship sink in front of his eyes as I am not trying to save us anymore. It was all the reason for my return to say goodbye before going out into the world again. Far away. And here I am happy and confident, having made the right decision for myself, playing my own private film in front of my inner eye, turning down any offers for getting physical. I don't feel it. Go give love to your body.

Do you need anything from the shop? No thank you. I love you. The tone in our living space. Love language. Do you want coffee? Another kiss on the side of my head. He's walking around, singing. Someone new. Someone humble. Someone special. His name the scent of a beautiful rose. We're comple(i)menting each other. A kindness a blind and deaf person could feel from the moment you enter his aura. A unicorn. Unique and sparkly. The short days we have, sinking deep inside my heart. His closeness, his ever reappearing softness in touch and speech. The new and the old in balance. Maybe only I wasn't aware I was missing this. 

As I leave the kitchen to take a walk, a new face is standing in the door. A split second only. I smile. I know you? I say to him a bit unsure, not able to pinpoint where I've seen his face before. Mestia he smiles. I met him on my hike the first day. Fascinating. Yeah of course. Again. Again. Again. No surprise here. Yet magical every time.

This is really good. Thoughtfully he's looking at the piece of veggie burger between his fingers, mumbling, fascinated by the bite of strange food he's just discovered. All the sceptics at once surprisingly convinced about what I have just produced. What is this? Can I look at it? I don't think that's edible. I'm laughing my ass off how my beloved hostel family is suspiciously eying my making as if it wasn't edible when it isn’t unhealthy enough or included meat. Just like a few minutes before when we are all sitting around the common area, my boys come inside with the greasy Georgian bakeries, handing some to me. The food sharing has started. It's one of the rare moments in the last two days that we are actually looking each other in the eye, communicating. What goes around comes around. We are all gathering in the grey rain day, entertaining each other, singing, laughing. I'm still intrigued by how beautifully everyone is getting along like a big happy family. Also I am surprised about how I'm feeling this well after last night.

About last night. Where did it all start? It's one of these late afternoons. What needed to be done is done, the rest of the day open to do what's never in the interest of the best health but the most fun at the end of the day. 

Behave well and if you can’t at least be careful he said before leaving, giving me a smile, kissing my head, holding my head in his heart space.

Sitting with my new friend in the yard we start having the first glass of wine while it's getting darker and darker, the rain slowly arriving. This is the beginning of something big. I know it. Yes indeed. This is what happens around here. Taking no more than a few minutes the soul of the hostel, the one who is holding the space for us all with his giving, caring kindness is introducing us. A new player on the table. Only some minutes later a new traveler, freshly arriving from the border is joining the circle as well and I find myself playing our favorite guessing game, introducing each other. The circle is perfect The three souls around me everything I could ask for creating the most interesting conversations. Attentive, open hearted, authentic, vulnerable, kind souls, finally inspiring me for more. The interest they show in me is sheer overwhelming for me. Overwhelming in the most satisfying senseless. The attention they pay me, the way they look at me, listening to every word I have to say, I want to share, asking me for how I feel in this world, is giving me more home in a place that's already so close to my heart. I love her. I love her. She's one of us. She's the soul of the hostel. If you need to know anything just ask her. He's giving me a kiss again. Every moment he passes me day in day out I will tell me. You know that I love you Lina right?! He will share all the appreciation he has with me with everyone else as well giving me this wonderful feeling of being wanted, seen and important. Just like our new Russian-Jordanian-Italian member who will later on that night make me feel like I am the most important thing in this world if only for that night.

Yet it's gotten really dark, the rain pouring now, we move outside to get some hot food into our stomachs. Time has passed so fast as we were soaked into our conversations, killing liters and liters of wine, beer and chacha in the run. Our mood only becoming better with each passing moment, opening the door for synchronicity. Talking about dating I remember all my last weeks here. The messages from the morning. And just like that  a familiar face is showing up next to our table. Touch him, touch him I say to my new German companion sitting next to me. He's turning around, smiling, leaning over the table to kiss me hello. After chatting for a few minutes the boys laugh at me. So that was one of your dates? No it wasn't not that one. Just an encounter from the capital a few days ago. Yoga connection. 

I don't get tired of the universe sending me people I know to make me feel even more comfortable and welcome than I already do. My Space, returning to the hostel, trying to hide under the large umbrella from the heavy rain, finishing off the bar. The three of us opening the last bottle of wine for ourselves, I lost track of how much we've been downing as the clock hits midnight number three is leaving us while our sweet host is running outside to get us more drinks from the city. I know exactly what this means to me, sitting next to my multicultural new friends who's rubbing my hands to warm them. Our closeness almost creating intimacy after only a few hours of knowing each other he's complimenting me, bringing out the best of me, holding my trauma. You're an inspiration for me Lina. Thank you for being you. I am so glad I got to know you. You are incredible. You give me hope in humanity. He's holding me in his arms. He's different, yet not clear. Some shades hanging over him. Nothing like anyone I've met in the close past. He's stroking my leg, looking at me with the utmost respect and admiration. Sincerity all written all over his face, he looks at me sympathetically as if he could see into my soul. See who I really am, feel how my heart works. Yet it may all be a game. A very well played one. The complexity of his personality giving me mixed signs. For some time I want more. Of him, of life, of all. How did that happen again so fast? I don't know even how much space I have in my heart anymore.  These incredible creatures on God's Earth, surrounding me, choosing to share their time and energy with me. Looking out for me, my well being, my heart in the end. Unconditionally for the here and now, yet not pulling through consistently for depth of a long lasting consistent connection.

When I finally manage to move inside to my bed, it's 3 am and I am full. Full of everything. Drinks, love and happiness. Only two minutes later I hear his voice behind the curtain. Lina. Lina. Can I come in? And so he crawls into my little cave with me. Totally destroyed I am not sure how much more this night can bring and I give in.

When I wake up I feel the night deep in my bones. I will not let it get a hold of me too much. After a short coffee intermezzo in the kitchen with my loved ones, starting right into the laughter again, I force myself on the mat to sweat out what’s possible to sweat out.

The intensity of my emotional experiences in here in my space unique as always, shaping and memorizing for me. But most of all they make me who I am today. They make me grow, they make me learn. They give me insights  about myself, I could not generate on my own. The thin line between feeling loved, held and seen and being lonely within only moments. The connection only pushing half through when my spirit is flying, yet when the sparkles are gone the active will to approach me disappears. Only smoke. 

Filling the space with opinionated comments, showing off apparent knowledge about the world, women, men, nationalities, stereotyping, judging, the air is becoming thinner and thinner for me; submerging everything into a different light, including me. My thoughts and feelings not standing a chance to push through as old formed beliefs of what’s good and right are overshadowing the words coming out of my mouth, conveying my truth, silencing them. 

It's like the moment I let go of my long formed behavior of holding space for everyone, of being the one initiating the actions, smiling along when I feel overlooked I can see the connection fading away in front of my eyes. Only passing by each other. A hug here, a touch there. A word of I miss you but at the end of the day no one sitting down with me, looking into my eyes asking how I am feeling. At the end of the day it remains a matter of what is needed from me, not what they can give me. At the end of the day when I am not the one they were imagining, what they are in need of, the connection slowly vanishing in front of my eyes. Same old story. Yet I can see it transform by pulling myself out, stepping away. 

A cup of coffee in my hands, he comes crossing the yard over to me, pulling the chair next to me, sitting down, smiling at me. 

He leans over kissing me, stroking my arm. It’s literally as if all my thoughts directly manifest into the universe when I realize all my emotions around. For the first time since I’ve arrived. He’s looking at me asking me how I’m feeling, cupping my face with his hand kissing me again. Time.

I make this space mine again. For only so long. He’s heading away, sitting demonstratively on the next table when I don’t respond as he wants me to. Minutes later trying to snitch other people’s attention. My analytical skills taking over my heart. Lost space. I’ll hold it anyways.

Blinded. I find myself in the same situation than three nights ago, only now I feel the tension. The irritation he causes me. My heart clearly telling me to remove myself from the situation as it is impossible as all the weeks before to create true authentic intimacy but finding myself confronted in the ever returning position of having to explain my heart. Manipulation. Physical needs I don’t want to respond to. Only I wanted to be held like earlier in the day I hear the same words. Let’s go to the room. I don’t and I lose them both the same. When they look into each other’s eyes and they know. And so do I. I was blindfolded.

Learning to engage in these amazing and confusing nights bonding, feeling like the whole world has come together, I'm being seen like never before and letting them go the same when I feel there's nothing coming my way anymore, giving me a warm feeling in my heart of being appreciated as I am. To not hold on to something anymore that doesn't serve me, that’s holding me back (down) from who I can truly beautifully be. For people who listen to see me because they care to. 

And there I sit my head in the storm while the boys make big eyes again for my cooking skills, the storm blowing over the city, making me wonder where I should move to next. Moving on and on and on...