What if there was Nothing wrong with me

Looking for the best in everyone I miss the reciprocity. With the quietness comes the sadness. The quiet sadness that’s been there all along, only I wasn’t able to feel it from all the outside turmoil. Too much noise. Too much distraction from my own fragile heart wanting to be seen. 

Protect yourself otherwise nobody else will do it. He keeps repeating it. They suck out every drop of your blood until you’re dry and even then they keep sucking and leave you completely dry and empty.

I go, moving to the mountains. The sky is grey, the air finally autumn cold, after the last two days of sunshine and spring vibes. My kind of weather. Reflecting my heart that I cannot deny anymore is hurt because I wasn’t protecting it right. I never was. In my idealistic approach of wanting to see everyone’s pure heart, bringing out the best in them I forgot that they will not do the same for me.

Sometimes I think about how my therapist said many years ago You don’t tend to have depressive episodes. That’s not your nature. No it’s not. I’m a fighter. A fighter with values. Fighting for them however I can. Investing in potential. Not in what is. Or who is. Sometimes against the rest of the world with no one having my back. Now sometimes I ask myself if I would be better capable of protecting myself if I didn’t have the strength of every time getting out of a situation stronger than before.

Could I protect myself better if I knew how fragile I truly am? If I felt before how soft my heart is and that it’s easy to cut. But then the next moment I feel myself being shot up high in the sky again, feeling like the luckiest human being in this world because I know what I have being me… overestimating my energies until I give them out for free again to the next undeserving blood sucker. Or…

All on a sudden when I've shone the light on the past weeks, my behavior, my encounters, my disappointment, my struggles concerning my way of dealing with hurt... it hits me. What if there was nothing wrong with me? What if feeling all these feelings of being hurt, disappointed and frustrated was totally ok because I am a sensitive feeling human being with emotions? What if I was constantly looking for the wrong in me? What if I saw the situations as they were objectively (no need to say there is no such thing), rationally from the outside? What would I tell my friend? A person I love?

Within a second it’s hitting me in my face. If it was for a friend I would tell her to stop looking at herself asking for the fault within herself because she's beautiful, loving, trusting and idealistic with all her wishes to be open and empathic and wanting it to be returned the same. The most natural thing in the world. I would tell her to stop overanalyzing only because she had a streak of encountering idiots, losers, people who weren't capable of reflecting themselves even less so to care about how other people feel or think. Incapable of loving, paying attention or sensitive enough to look outside of their own little black box. There is nothing wrong with being left with a feeling of hurt or agony. Much more it would be unhuman to not feel these things.

Yet I doubted myself. Probably still do because this is what I came with. This is what I was told. And that's ok until it all sinks in and I can start internalizing really how precious I am. How beautiful, how soft, fragile and sensitive. How that I feel so much is not a sign of weakness but of true strength. Of dedication to life itself. Life and love. And that there will always be those people who care and those who don't because they are too much caught up in their own misery. It's statistics more than anything really. The biggest share of humankind will be the ones who are not in a place where they are capable of communicating from a place of love but from a place of fear. Protection and so they hurt others. This is what we see as a mirror in our world today. Nothing less nothing more. This is the Only thing to be learned. To distinguish one from the other and to not hold on to what I cannot change as the bible has already told.