Absolutely Fantastic Indian Christmas
That ever lasting hurt of being second. I’m out of balance. I’ve felt it for a few days now. Maybe she hasn’t. It’s my all too well known old wound. The feeling that I’m not being looked out for. That she doesn’t have my back. That her convenience comes first at times and she doesn’t mind so much how I feel about the situation or tries to avoid one at all, laughing over it, ignoring my mood. Story of my life. And now here in this country with her, a chance to heal parts of it if I can face it.
I tell her I need time alone. I feel my hurt turning into passive aggression, turning into active aggression towards her. Tears running down my cheeks when she’s closing the door behind her leaving for the city with her new friend, our Indian roomy. Leaving the train ticket booking to me as expected. I feel affirmed in what I was thinking before, yet I know it’s biased. Still I cannot hold my tears back, this time from anger towards her. As I don’t want to put this on her. It’s mine alone. Yet my inner child wants nothing more than to be seen. By her. Heard. By her. As I know it all that well.
Our taste in men is very similar. This could become difficult she’s said the day before in the train. I look at her. I had this same thought before as well. I tell her that I see this as a chance to grow. To understand that there’s no competition as we will only be with the ones we’re meant to be with in the end anyway. We’re very different people and so there’s no way we both are supposed to end up with the same person. No one is. Even when we become interested in the same person I see the greatest learning for me to accept when I understand that I am not number one and that I can learn to trust the universe and myself that what’s meant for me will come to me without constantly pushing it. Making an effort, chasing it. Them. As I’ve done all the time. And it’s done me no good. Wanting them to love me when they didn’t choose to love me. I want to be chosen. The chosen one.
As I leave the cafe I become the chosen one only few minutes later, the universe meticulously caring for me, sending me my new friend into the temple. I don’t know where he came from in that moment that I felt so sad and lost at the stairs of the temple, turning my head he’s one step below me. Oh what are you doing here? He says looking up at me. I wonder. I’ve seen him an hour before when I left the hostel, standing on the street thinking of which direction to go. His. It was the time I needed to circle around the bridges, taking wrong roads, waiting for my ice coffee to end up at the temple the same minute he does and take him with me for the two remaining days. Doing an entire day of sightseeing with him, hopping on the back of his scooter, he’s watching out for me every step we make while trying not to get lost in the maze of the palace. We return to pick up my Leen for juice, cake and sunset, recovering our bond. He’s taking pictures of us, our personal photographer, talented and devoted towards us. I’m always there. His hand on my back, on my waist, his hand holding mine, pulling me away from the street, protecting me. He’s sweet, he’s kind.
From the minute we meet, he brings the flow as the strongest current around. When you’re with me, I told you. Nothing will happen to you. What he says is. Laughing so hard, tears are almost coming out my eyes, hard to breathe in all the ridicule we’re producing moment by moment including everyone around us.
From laughter that to tears from the hurt of love, streaming down my face late night. He’s putting my head in his lap, covering my hair with my scarf, building a cave for me, a safe space to cry more, to feel what I feel with all that I have. Whenever I try to stick my head out into the real world to stop myself from crying he’s softly pushing me back down under the scarf, motivating me to just let it flow. Caressing my head, he’s soothing me calmly until it’s time to sleep. Sleeping into an even more amazing day. An Absolutely…
The endless scents of India in our nose when we finally decide for the white tea. The twin flames. One of so many times before our similarity represented in the choices we make. Taking a deep dive into the ocean of perfume spreading our scent throughout town. Twice.
Absolutely fantastic. From restaurant to cafe to roof top to watch the sun setting after Christmas meals, cakes and lemonade. Linner. My mom calls seeing if I’ve invested my Christmas gift effectively. Congratulating me on the four cakes and coffee I would otherwise have with her. I sure did the best investment between fries, coffees, perfumes and kombucha no wish is left unanswered. He’s right. It’s absolutely fantastic. The most euphoric Christmas I’ve had in many years. He’s giving me a kiss on my head and leaves. My perks of being pure rekindled through time. From two years he’s coming back to me and he’s not the only man from the past. The ones who truly loved me and saw in me what I couldn’t, raising my all by cherishing who I am, making me shine beyond what I know. His words were never ending. I wouldn’t believe what I read and I cannot stand the thought he could be hurt or that I could have possibly taken anything from this rare beautiful soul. Today I’m reminded and he’s coming back into my heart in different shapes and forms through people who love me. My beautiful Lina, merry Christmas my Love. I hope to see you again. I’m glad I have you. You eliminate my negative feelings. And so I cry many of my tears the night of Christmas for the ones I love the most.
May you enjoy a magical season and new y! Know that you’re a beautiful human being with wonderful energy. You have a way of lifting up others and your energy sounds like the laughter of a friend. You use your energy and pour it into all that you are, and all of those who are around you. Your energy reminds the world of why the art of speaking, writing and listening matter so much. You are a gift to the universe and a gift to those who hold you close to their heart. May you express yourself entirely in this next season of your life.
You talk with your heart to people and they recognize it subconsciously. You give inner happiness to everybody. Your smile is contagious, your voice refreshes the soul, your presence sparkles the air and your eyes, they are the rarest blue diamonds on earth. Words can't describe you good enough. You're heavenly, powerful enough that with a light touch of your purity you can touch people souls effortlessly. And yet you're so humble. So modest. All of you is accompanied by your humbleness, how can a person not love you with everything they are?
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