All that Glitter is Not Gold
I need that extra glitter. We deserve the king of the world when I consider what kind of people live on this planet. That’s what she said. Overqualified. We’re just too great for the men‘s world. All the same words out of the mouths of the most wonderful girls I’ve known. Stuck in the same cycles. Too complex, too understanding, too strong and courageous in opposite to the other sex.
In an overwhelming swirl of emotions of love and friendship the same topics go all around everywhere. The learnings the same. All the same hurt. The protection. Are we capable of opening up truly, let our guard down after all the hurt we’ve been through? Can we face our own fears, our own disabilities, flaws and misbehaviors, confront ourselves honestly to build something beyond the pain we all carry in our hearts?
I wish I had a family and friends like you do. An unexpected meeting Saturday night. After a wonderful night with new friends the night before when it all started. My conviction that our meeting meant the same to him as for me. That he would want to meet, be with me develop a connection but I was mistaken and luckily the Universe would put multiple people in his space who would give me exactly what I deserve, reflecting decent, loving empathic human behavior. Only at this point I wasn’t aware. Too deep already in his world, seeing only what his words wanted me to believe. The comprehension of once again having formed my own reality in which he unfortunately or fortunately isn’t the person I expected him to be, only comes three beautiful and emotional days later when he would still reject every open door from me, finding excuses, instead of being a man and facing that he’s outwaiting me, starving me emotionally without caring about it. No matter how many times I tell him. He will tell me that it’s ok what he does. My feelings none important in his equation of life and behavior as long as he has his reasons and explanations, no matter the harm for me.
It’s early, we’re sitting outside, in that same spot that I met him and where I ended up the night before with a new friend, taking care of me until 4am when all my hurt started. With every sip of sparkle, our exchange deepening, our hearts opening, his vulnerability coming through, his shield, slowly dropping he looks me in the eyes. In awe, in gratitude. I’m a lonely person. I’m good alone I don’t want to be with people. I don’t like people. I’m happy when I’m alone. I look at him drawing his attention to the fact that he asked to see me today. He’s looking at me in sincerity Yes. But you are so different. I have never met a person like you. With you I can speak about everything and I feel good. I can be me. You’re special, you’re very wise you know. I feel a connection growing that I haven’t seen coming. Were our worlds so different, they start to move closer now with every minute. Trying to move my overly fatigued body to the next bar, he doesn’t want to let me leave. We’re crossing the bridge in the empty dark streets, he’s holding me like the man coming across the bridge holding his roses. We pass him, smiling laughing when he turns around and runs after him, in a change of mind, buying me a beautiful dark red rose. I enjoy the intimacy we’ve created by being who we are, the way he’s putting his head on my chest and holding my hand. I found a new friend. Nothing about this is awkward. Companionship, I can feel him free like I haven’t perceived him before. Happy.
Having let go the toxic connection from the night before, the healing ones come splashing into my life like waterfalls. Endless and pure. Friday night gifting me with wonderful souls. Caring the same about me. Deeply. I cannot understand how fast the bond is built when she supports me with her words. Encouraging me. Making me shine. You’re such a pure heart and angel. ❤️ I don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t know what to tell you, you’re smart girl you will make the right decision. Things are different, reality looks different. Just look at it. I don’t understand how you cannot make some minutes of time for a loved ones. In any case you will find someone that really serves you. Not all that glitters is gold. Crystal Clear as the blue sky today. She was right. I was mistaken. I wasn’t ready to accept reality. I should learn throughout the three days that she was right. I have brought it into reality. Into the outside world. Not like him. Hiding it. Making it unreal as if nothing has happened.
Between crying and laughing for days, the amount of love and friendship holding the space is sheer magic. So large, turning the focus away from what could be to what is. These days imprinted by so much laughter and happiness, it’s hard to bare. Letting go the illusion of what we wish for, who we want them to be but shifting towards the beauty of all that we have. These beautiful people in our lives, supporting us in whatever we’re going through.
COURAGE TO CHANGE
Have I the courage to change - Have I the courage to change today? ~ SIA
Synchronicity coming around with the initial change of behavior. Tapping into the unknown facing the fear of letting go. Letting him go. My heart is almost breaking. Tears come streaming down my face. I face my hurt, confronting him in my confusion. My hurt. He has done nothing wrong. My insecurity from all the old disappointments, the past, other people now taking its toll on me. Him. That’s what I think. Still in my understanding heart, that doesn’t want to accept the truth of having made his decision against me long before without him even knowing, conveying the same unconvincing words of soothing towards me as if I was an inferior being, a minor that he needed to quiet from her expressions. It’s hard to hold my nerves. I’m tense. Relax, be calm, everything is ok he had said. But it wasn’t ok. I only needed to see him. To meet him, look him in the eyes. I needed him to hold me. To care for what I feel. But he didn’t. He made that decision all on his own.
Another disappointment. He cannot. He’s also hurt. He also needs protection. He also needs care, needs to be held. I break out. Break through all that I’ve ever known. I want to hold him, even in my pain I don’t want to hurt him, to feel the same I do. I only don’t know if I can. If I have the capacity to relax my strangled soul since he also doesn’t care to.
Finally I would have needed to see him. In person. All connections flying around digitally looking to become real, to be embodied. Staying in the digital world, unrealized creating only more longing, expanding the unfulfilled desire. Like my long term long distance sister at heart, living a parallel life next to me, with me, finally coming together on the other side of the world. Where we belong. An explosion awaiting us in the early morning hours when we will first see each face to face, pursuing our dreams together. Connected through our shared love.
Deadline. That’s what she said. I’m drained. I need to go. It’s been too much. Alone. I can’t stand the feeling now. He didn’t show up like he hasn’t all these days. But he did have the guts to tell me that HE was hungry, finding no empathy for how bad this must feel for me. How upsetting and hurting. He also didn’t decide to come later. To see me, to get me, to soothe me. He’s not chasing me. He’s not even looking after me. Coming by to hug me, to make sure I am ok. I am not. Not anymore. He’s neutral towards me. That extra glitter. It’s not there. That sparkle I deserve and desire. My new friend from the night before asking me what I was doing alone at that restaurant. I tell him, he’s says he’s sorry. I was gonna come to you. Think about the past. You always find a better one then the previous one. I take in a deep breath. The universe is ironic. HE was gonna come to see me only from one sentence I told him about being alone at the restaurant, he feels how shit this is, saying exactly what I’ve wanted to hear from the man who didn’t even manage to show up at no point. Seems I’m not crazy after all. It seems to everyone else natural to care about me. Not him. He thinks throwing bread crumbs at me must be enough of his attention towards me. An arrogance of a coward, trying to convey to me that this is all I deserve. Actions speak louder than words and his actions surely speak a very different language. Something is off. The mirrors in the outside world once more reflecting back to me that what I deserve is all that and nothing less. It’s coming from all sides.
Maybe it’s bigger of him maybe it’s smaller of him but in the end it doesn’t matter. Because I choose love despite my hurt and he chooses everything else over me. He at no point chooses to show up for me when I open every door for him to come see me. He never comes around. He has other projects all the last days more important than me and our getting to know each other. Our being together. Priorities. I am not his. He didn’t choose me like I chose him from the first moment. Not like everyone else who chose me over the weekend. People I didn’t even know who are still with me who are still providing for me seeking contact. My focus on the wrong one like all my life before only this time I can luckily see what else there is, even when it takes these few days to realize what I didn’t want to see.
It can be seen from any perspective but the fact remains that I’m running around in the world with a broken heart from a person who doesn’t prioritize me. Lying in bed in the middle of the night crying because my hope is not answered once again for someone that I was wishing he was wanting to be with me with the same intention that I had. Creating a connection, not cutting it.
Dancing through the night with tears in my eyes, an old familiar feeling I know. Left. At most left with explanations instead of actions or in silence once again like this last night before I cannot take no more. Night three where I wasn’t the one that he decided to make his priority or have an understanding for the sadness that’s been building up over the days of not seeing him, still making it look like there’s nothing wrong. In his world. Left in the dark night with a broken heart that I was trying so hard to keep safe this time.
From the intensity of our only meeting, getting to know each other between texting for hours until our getting together through the night into the early morning, I get to experience the complete contradiction of his reality afterwards where no time is to be found anymore when I have only a few days left before leaving this country for the longest time. The image slowly seems to fade into a feeling of illusion, dreamlike clouds as if this never happened. Not another time after this would he spare or a similar energy to generate a feeling even close to that night we met, but choose to stay in his world, his reality finding excuses for why we are not instead of moving towards me, evolving what he has learned, growing into something of taking action.
He cannot feel me. He doesn’t want to. He wants to explain his world, protecting his identity. As we all do. Only we can decide who is important enough to us to break through. But he’s smart. He learned from his last pains. Trust needs to be build. Who am I? He doesn’t even know me. He will not set his priority to someone he doesn’t know yet. And yet then how will he get to know someone without that effort, that extra glitter, that investment that creates exactly that beautiful connection? He doesn’t need to prove himself that he’s trustworthy, no in contradiction he expects exactly that trust from me without that dedication for us to come together. He thinks he understands the world. His world. Not mine and he doesn’t care enough to open that gate and walk through. I am not for him as I was wishing. That hurt that I was wishing not to feel again. Ever. Mirrored by a person that I don’t want to feel that pain with. My hopes too big but not the reality.
So here I am a 35 year old woman waisting her time, waiting on a 25 year old boy for four days who was never about to show up. Pathetic. In pain, unseen and denied. Dramatic yes. Because that pain, every time remaining unseen is dramatic. Being kept from healing, yet another time of not being wanted and appreciated. Left with the mantras of his words claiming the opposite. Words that are not becoming reality because he doesn’t wanna see. His confidence belittling me in my feelings high up offering me once more to meet the next day as if there was nothing wrong, reassuring me that he does want to meet as if I literally had no say in this as if I wasn’t existing when I already told him how he’s breaking me. My seriousness of having to give up because he’s causing me pain. Proving the opposite of his words. No matter how much he’s denying the words of Bob Marley. Reality shows that they’re nothing less true. Avoidant attachment style out of the books. Wanting love and affection, attention and care but the moment the other person is responding our inter fear of getting drawing you away again from the person to make sure she won’t hurt you like you have been. Confusing, hurting, manipulating her instead. But you are blind for it because your protection is too strong - blinding you. Only a man who finds the courage. Who wants to let his world evolve around the other person instead of centering it around himself, holding on to his beliefs will understand the heart of a woman or any other person for that matter. Will despite his own pain only maybe be able to recognize the depth of the truth of what a woman’s heart has to bare throughout her life. That moment when he kissed me making me vulnerable, only to never make me feel like this again.
That vulnerability that comes with giving away your body, no man will ever be able to understand. That hurt of having given it to someone who wasn’t to appreciate it for longer than it lasted, unbearable. Primary pain. This deeply rooted pain. This familiar pain that was once there, overly relived by men repeating the scheme. Not knowing how regret of giving your body to someone feels. That shame and anxiety, that feeling of being exposed that comes with physical touch. That regret. That feeling of having given yourself away, betrayed your heart, left yourself once more unprotected.
Meaningless words that don’t match his actions. Invisible for himself to see, convinced that he’s living respectfully, denying the truth that of when someone you care about is getting hurt, the only human action of love could be to soothe them, to hold them to try to make it go away. Not to make them go away.
I shouldn’t have told the world. That danger that comes with reality. That disappointment that comes with the truth when things turn out to be different and all that magic that you have felt before it is getting crushed by life when it remains that one fairytale moment that you wanted to be true so badly since you were a little girl. When after the one time of magic he becomes untouchable, unavailable, to deny you the beauty once more that he has shown you. Torture. The feeling of the heart being torn up every day between hope and longing for him, for the reality of a person who cares as much as you do and the manifestation of not seeing him in person, not touching, not sharing, being deprived of everything that the heart was craving so much.
Dramatic. Overwhelming. Too much. Too sensitive. He may think. He may feel. He may believe. He needs to shield his heart. No words can deny feelings. I would choose differently if I could. I would like to feel like him, seeing all this as an easy game with no particular outcome. Whatever happens happens. But my heart speaks a different language. My heart wants to be held. Not denied.
Instead the unconscious feeling of superiority, that any man would deny to have, the feeling of power and control that’s naturally given to them as we come more vulnerable and fragile into this world, than them, free pray for them to hurt us, leading him to lecture me about how things are. For him. Making it a truth. Approaching a woman beyond his mental and physical maturity. The arrogance of an overconfident boy thinking he knows the truth, blinding him from seeing me, brushing over my hurt as if it didn’t exist when I say I’m on edge, throwing another time suggestion in my face for the next evening. His time, his rules. And of course a maybe to never hear from him again. Ignoring my words of giving up. Conveying to him that maybe I cannot see him anymore, being truthful and fragile, he ignores my feelings and turns it around into his confidence, telling me that HE is not with me because he has to. As if again all this was about HIM. Him controlling this relationship. The ruler of closeness and distance. But I - ME, Lina the girl from ten days ago, she’s over her limits and SHE does not want him anymore. He seems not to notice because it’s been about him and what he wants all along, pulling the strings. He the God, not me the Goddess.
Not realizing that maybe the person he has in front of him is holding the golden key to freedom and love. That that time when you met them, when you were motivated to build a connection was real. And all the days later that spark pushed away because you want to shift the focus, not let it become too heavy, not repeat your hurt is all the reason for the actual destruction. My destruction. Sleepless once more I wish my truth was different. My reality my dream. Why did you write me on the internet? When this was all you wanted? Why did you pull me into your life only then to not have me there in reality? Only interesting enough when unreal. When unfulfilled.
All the greatest women I know, being overlooked by men. Mistreated not because they don’t have a heart. Not because they want to hurt us but because they’re too confident about who they are. About their truth. About how they behave.
When I wake up crying the morning before, listening to her she says Something feels off Lina I know you don’t want to hear this, I by no means want to destroy your happiness or romance but I know us. I know how we look at guys for twenty years. How both of us only want to see the good in them because we want to believe this is different. We’re despite our age and the year long experiences and disappointments unwilling to let go of that thought, that hope that this time someone will come and see us and care one drop more about us than about themselves. She knows. She knows me inside out for 25 years we’ve been going through all of it together. And for the first time in my life I know it too. A shift inside of me.
I take my daemons and face them. He cannot give me that drop more. I am not for him. Nothing even close to it. For all the same reasons. He doesn’t want to. He has explained. From day one. The classic. I have told you so. I was warned he wouldn’t be invested. Men unable to distinguish between rational understandings and feelings. Receiving the same lecturing messages of explanations as if my brain was too dumb to grasp his „honesty“ still convinced that his words make up for his unwillingness and inability to receive my heart. The hurt he’s causing me by focusing his life around meetings and late sleep but not finding the capacity to meet a girl he drew out of the internet into his world over a week ago. Leaving her heartbroken. But this is not his responsibility. Why? Because he told me so. Lies are not the words coming out of your mouth. Lies is everything beyond words. The promises you make the way you carry yourself, the way you present your intentions. The way you made me feel when you kissed me at the bar. Exposed and broken. With the only intention of saving yourself. I forgive you and myself for not holding the space for keeping the wounds in the dark instead of healing them. You weren’t ready. I was too much.
And my pretty eyes once more washed and cleaned by tears of sorrow from having been attracted to all that glitters but is not gold. Drowning them in champagne and companionship. His companionship, his Love as he’s conveying it to me whenever I need it. He knows, he has the words that I would have wanted from someone else. Yet this is reality. This beauty of him. By my side for years. Showing his loyalty on all levels, unafraid to share his love. With me. For me.
You have your people to whom you mean the world. I have a number of people who check all the boxes in terms of strength, emotions, empathy, energy. When it comes to the person who has come the longest way and has come the farthest I do not have to think about it long. That’s for me YOU. You’re a force of nature. Intelligent, beautiful -inside out- emotional, strong etc. and naturally this is extremely attractive to men, how else could it be, would be utter madness otherwise. […] you’re constantly in process although it seems to hurt you a big share of the time, at some point you will be at the point where you think ah this is what it was all good for. I strongly believe in it. The right person will some day stand in front of you and in the storm everything will be fantastic.
Close the door she says and while she’s saying it I’ve already locked it behind me. Like all this was just happening in my mind. My phone exploding from messages from all the beautiful souls I met over the last weeks. What’s up Darling? Are you ok? Try not be so sad. Like they feel it, even uninvolved, even only meeting me one time. Love I don’t have much time these days to listen but if you want to I can make it a priority, let me know. Such simple phrases touching me deeply after all my nervous turmoil when my focus on the person who did not convey anything of that sort even close to me, left me in heartbreaking distress. Unwilling for some days to recognize what this feeling means, luckily when for the rest of the world it is much more obvious what it means when a person makes you feel unsafe and unimportant and only circles around his own wants and needs. Three days too many. I’m back from yet another heartbreak excursion that showed me nothing but the same of man‘s behavior if I’m not being attentive enough and give them my beautiful all, only so they could take it from me.
Lina I am coming to Tbilsi tomorrow. -Where shall we meet? - Where shall we meet on Thursday for dinner? All on a sudden the messages exploding. Hey what about lunch today you and I? I reject and tell him that I don’t want to have contact with him. An unforeseen storm of apologies flooding in. I’m so sorry. Really I am. Forgive me my attitude, it will not happen again. You are a special person for me. I love to see you around me. I AM REALLY REALLY SORRY FOR MAKING YOU ANGRY. Sweetheart please don’t be angry, I can’t stop loving you. It keeps coming and I cannot help but laugh so loud that the entire neighborhood must hear it. And then like all these days tears are coming, streaming down my face from my heart when she reaches out to me again, almost unbearable how she’s taking over the compassion on his behalf, the pain that he was causing me, touching me so deeply. I saw your story yesterday and I should have realized that you were sad, but i didn't understand anything, I‘m really sorry for that, you even cried as I read...😔❤️ you’re my baby big sister lina remember ❤️ yes we love you, cos you are very sweet person ❤️ Once only once she met me. This is payback. Make up for Breakup. This wasn’t supposed to hurt anyone but me that much. This overwhelming love and compassion people carrying in their heart for me that it is unfair to them that I let myself be used like this because not is it me who is the only hurt but them who truly care for me. The universe’s power is once again on point with people who want to actually meet me in reality, lining up around me. Apologizing for when they see they’ve done me wrong and even when they haven’t when merely they sense that I am not ok. Once again receiving all I needed the last days except from the only person I’ve centered my focus around. I was blind.
Big Girls Cry.
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