Crystalizing Love

The (in)credibility of the universe fascinating me once again. Was this just a dream? It comes to my mind just when I haven't heard of him in half a day. Heard of a person who I got know only just about a bit over 50 hours ago. 

I feel like between worlds. This intensity with which he came into my life, washing over me like a wave of love, light and comfort. A wave of everything I've needed after the last months, weeks and days of disappointment. After the hurt that I was caught up in once more by wishing for the care, sensitivity and empathy they weren't wanting to supply me. 

Going back to the city determined to make my way through the night, no matter if it had to be on my own or in company, I find myself at the bar feeling like visiting a friend after I had run into the one who spoke the insulting words of a traumatized person to me one week before, in the same spot where I left him.

I'm in high spirits with a bit too much of them in my blood when the night turns into an enjoyable flow of circumstantial friendships, yet I don't manage to get to the club I intend to. As my bar friend walks me back home, he cannot keep himself from coming closer to me. Only the next day I realize for the first time I don't feel anymore like laughing about it but much like seeing it as what it is. Disrespect towards me... But then just the right moment I am about to agree to meet him again... Someone else comes into my world like a tornado, the Universe opening a slot for a very special encounter. 

An encounter that takes me by surprise like nothing has taken me in a very long time. On the phone a message through the channel that I used to hate so much, blocking men who approached me in disrespectful ways, not only once but all along the beginning of my time here in Georgia. Another one. I look at the message and think about what good it could do me to again get involved into the next conversation after all the ones taking the best of me.

I decide to answer and see who's behind it. In case I wouldn't feel any interest in conversing to end it right away. Yet to my oblivious mind this point sure wasn't about to come. Instead something magical happened. From the first message on I get soaked into a dream land of communication that I was wishing for all the way as far back as I may wanna remember. I find myself in a conversation with a young man for a good two and a half hours non stop chatting; in between crying and laughing from all the emotions he's causing me. Feeling a connection as if we've known each other for years. He's mirroring me in a way that feels like he can read my heart. From the first sentence. As if we were the same in our spirits of what we have seen and felt in this world. The same on so many levels. In our hearts, our minds, emotionally, spiritually and in our expressions. The way he uses words is just how I would choose. His transparency, authenticity, honesty, kindness, empathy, warmness, heart, attentiveness, his reading between the lines, asking all the right questions, saying everything I need to hear, making me feel like there is no other thing in this world that he would have rather spend his time with than sharing time with me. Danger. He speaks it out loud just as all the other things we do convey to one another in comfort, trusting the other one as if we knew there was nothing to fear. As if we could see our souls and knew how fragile they were. Both in the same energy, exposing our wounds, weaknesses, our hurt. At the same time laughing about the insanity of such a beautiful story, lingering between explosion of light and the awareness that such a rare connection is fragile the same. Such deep similarity possibly causing it to break in the exact same manner. Yet is covering with a coat of protection that I’ve been needing for so long.

A message comes flying in after 7 hours that feel much longer. Again I cannot stop myself from laughing about his questions for me. His choice of words, his childlike curiosity about me that brought us here in the first place. After it was hard to take the intensity of our digital communication through the screen, we finally manage to meet up at night which keeps me away from the bar man the same. I feel calm and happy to meet him. For him just to hug me, caress my hair and hold the back of my head in his hand as he had promised. Our meeting is just as I had felt writing with him on screen. Calm. Natural. Comfortable. No delusional explosion or excitement that I had felt before when I was confronted with toxic masculinity. My biased attraction to the poison finally becoming visible to me like never before through him.

Like a mirror, so clear so pure, he throws me back into the perks of being so pure from two years ago. Crystal clear with every word spoken, warming my heart, making my sympathy, my love to him grow by the minute, feeling like he sees me. Right through me. He is speaking out loud what I think, how I feel. Telepathy through empathy. Connection through authentic interest in the other person. Through the sensitivity for another heart. He amazes me, as we flow effortlessly in our conversations. The attempt to at least pay one drink for him, sneaking inside the bar after the toilet causes him only to do the same. Our energies combining in a way that brings out the most beautiful of each of us. Trust sharing our stories and our hearts, yet it doesn't feel heavy.

It reminds me of my first and most loved friend here from the very first day in this place. Not only did I know from the moment we met that I wanted him in my life, that I wanted him to be my friend but that I could trust and love him right away. Nothing different I feel with him and so I tell him the same that I have told my most lucky world wanderer back then. The reaction remains the same. Mutual response. As these worlds start connecting too through the music and their similar hearts, I'm opening the gate for interaction. Geographically and spiritually. As I chose this country for exactly that reason. The connecting gate between worlds.

Just like my world will change soon enough. In time to open the gate again, connecting this world to the far East. Time and space coming together in the same moment for the change of times in years getting in touch with me, making sure we will all be in the same place with the same story. Maybe there's reason for us all to meet (t)here and reconnect.

When I see the message on my phone and he's asking when I'm coming to India I am thinking back how while we met some weeks ago, we never really spend personal time. Only for one moment in the last night when I felt sad and broken, sitting drunk on my mattress and he approached me, when he had played cool all this time before, coming walking across the dark room, sitting down next to me on the mattress offering his hug. You can cry he had said. I can hold you, it's ok. And for the first time I saw his sweet side and it touched me. And now all this sweetness is coming back. In different shapes and forms from the past into the now through different souls... Souls that I may have forgotten otherwise.

This enthusiasm blending in with awareness this time, bringing me calm peace in my heart. Not to forget my final destination before leaving this country, finally reaching my favorite wellness place in the mountains. Finding rest and quiet in my favorite cozy guesthouse that offers everything to have the most comfortable shifting period of the year. Waking up to the beautiful snowy mountain caps when the sun is slowly rising behind the winter mountains, setting the same at the late afternoon when coming home, cooking a warm meal in the spacious kitchen after a day outside in the clear air, enjoying the winter sun in my face. I extend. I expand. I need more of this calm. This healing before the gate into the new world opens and I will find myself face challenged with what I still yet am allowed to heal. When it will become harder again to hide from my own shadows... 

These days when the curtain of fog is lifting right in front of your eyes and the light is coming through, gradually moment by moment in different forms. Waking up between the fog and the crystal clear skies this day is becoming my favorite form of winter quiet transformation. Going into the mineral pool in the bright sun, my naked body touching the water to later feel the fresh air of the on my wet skin, dressing myself back up again, sitting at the water, inhaling the precious sun.  Two visitors congratulating me, waving me with a great smile, putting one in my face the same.

The heavy wind blowing through my hair, the air still warm it is bringing the cold mist over night. Just as the insights are coming to me, the air will change throughout the day. My winter treats in the hot water evolving ginger and lemon, I bring little Christmas treats down to my hosts. It feels like that. It wasn't supposed to be all for me. It will only take minutes for me to get a large plate of winter fruits in return. I smile at the Universe. They were just what I needed by the warmth of my bed, welcoming me into the cold season today.

My thoughts drifting, my mind and my heart trying to create balance in the clarity I have been generating. Seeing myself more clearly than before. My biases, my flaws, my darkness. My hurt that I could only perceive from the other person when I finally realize I might be able to harm the same. To hurt the same. Hearing his words, how he's been hurt, how he has the same sensitive heart as me, taking every emotion straight into his soul, I know... I do not want to promise this beautiful fragile, kind heart that I will never hurt him when I don't know I won't. 

Who am I to know what the future holds? Who am I to believe I wasn't the one capable of hurting others? Who am I in my biased enthusiasm of idealism to truly believe that this is everything I was ever wishing for in a person when I haven't even gotten a tiny glimpse of the true beauty, of the most authentic pure version of that brilliant caring soul yet? How dare I assume I would know anything about this complex wonder of existence? I cannot risk to blur my view on him to play with the connection we may still be forming in the future if I let him unfold, let myself unfold. Let us be. Let him be he and me be me to form the most free and light version of who we could be without spoiling it by imaging what is not. 

Otherwise how would we know to which extend or if we even belong in to each other’s lives if we don’t take the time to get to know the other’s behaviors , quirks or insecurities? Maybe he’d be embarrassed and disgusted by seeing me eat all my food with my fingers, not only home when I have cooked for myself but in public restaurants. How would I know if he rejected the way I dance and sing while I walk through the streets? Or if he just couldn’t stand how I speak to other people or hold myself when I get angry? What if he hated how I’m killing chocolates and ice cream for three within only minutes? And how I take selfies in the mirror when I like a look I’m wearing or jump naked into any natural water body I can find? What if there were too many things that just drove him away from me or the other way around?

By forming an illusion we would give space to all kinds of different outcomes without even realizing it. That illusion that once had been formed about me, of who I wasn’t but only who they wanted me to be, only to disappoint. Not once. Not twice. Uncountable times. An illusion to destroy, to let me down, to betray the purest expression of our hearts. Love itself. 

How was I too blind to see where my part was in this? How couldn't I see the mirror of myself in all that pain, this destruction, this jeopardy for existence? The two sides I always preach about... Slowly here in the quiet cold of the mountains some more curtains are lifting for me. Making me want to try to be patient, to be attentive and sensitive with his heart, him, me and us. Whatever that us may mean in any dimension of the universe and our future lives.

Time to shift. Time to move. Time to breathe.