My Spiritual Ego - Morning pages einer Erwachenden

Sitting on the balcony the last night before leaving getting drunk. It came over me like a wave from the back. What a last day. The Universe giving me more of what I may or may not have needed. Today was the day running into him three times. The Story Teller. The one who’s stories I took for what they weren’t.  Enough I said. We’re chatting and laughing as if nothing had happened. Yet for me something did happen and I find myself once again finding it hard to take up that space for myself. As it will be done for me only hours later. I’m running down the mountain roads that I’ve walked so many times the last days, my heavy backpacks one in front, one in the back, for the last time. My friend on the phone, telling her the Story from the last days, earning her compassion like my other loves‘ astonishment and shock in my place when I wasn’t able to express it enough for protecting the peace that wasn’t peace from the start but something very different I will only understand later. Arr...

 It was supposed to be a short trip to a nearby temple with a view over the valley. Inhaling my last days, introspect, retrospect. Process the last week, specifically the last days. Connecting with myself, letting everything sink in, letting it go, becoming one with the mountains and the forest before leaving this place that I hold so close to my heart. First thing getting out of the house like the day before, I walk into A's mom sitting in the sun as so many mornings before. She invites me in, telling me she's just built a new temple, a new healing space I needed to see. Well... How could I refuse. Slowly following her into the tunnels of their sacred place I wonder what he might think once he sees my face right after waking up having his Chai. As if after the last days I've been chasing him, running into him everywhere. Yet this is not my concern.  Waking up in the morning I find a confidence in my heart that I haven't felt before. I realize that my feelings are valid...

The Sun is setting behind the mountains so bright that I can hardly look at it. Just like yesterday he's walking by down my balcony.  Today with his mom. 24 Hours have passed since we got into Utopia as so many times before, opening the bottles and living our Designs as humans, encouraging our changes, our growths, our talents and dreams. Creating connection, deeper, closer, different. Change. Throughout the night my satisfaction is growing through his stories, through his support and authentic admiration and motivating support for the things I love to do the most in life making them become magical by matter. A high five for each newly solved equation of life creating our personal happiness, I realize this was the key she told me about for the new year. Drinks are flowing as usual. Maybe too many this time. Yet my mood is rising especially in the later hours after midnight. When my tiredness has disappeared and my happiness for this evening taken over, I fall into a trance of grati...

Meeting an old friend becoming a new one within only hours. When we meet some days before I expect nothing but a superficial reunion and some drinks. Nothing meaningful. What I find yet is much more. That first night memories start returning of that feeling I had before, having a person in front of me who shares similar perspectives on living life, conscious and aware with the every day joy that makes his name become a reality. The way the energy flows between us creating a feeling of safety and  respect for who I am in me. The  understanding and ease in our shared time, generating an authentic connection of two likeminded souls coming together in the same place at another time. A feeling of friendship. Laughing my ass off from his stories that not a second one could have experienced that way, gathering deep understandings about life, creating wisdom from what we've seen and understood about the world, transforming who we were into who we are and will be. And as he talks about...

 Day five of my return to the Himalayas. The place that made me feel like home for over a month, more than a year ago. I've been thinking about it after the exciting days of New Years with new friends, in great company and even greater experiences. Even In those days I find my heart longing for that calm, that quiet. That independence. That place where I have my own room, my own kitchen, my own little apartment and balcony to make myself a living, every day to my own desires. Waking up to the sun rising behind the mountains, opening the curtains to a crystal clear blue sky every day and temperatures bringing back feelings of late summer, yet carrying the peace of winter. This time of the year so special, so calming. A time for introspection, looking inside and slow down. A time to just be with yourself and connect. Connect to your inner being, sensing of where you stand in life and where you want to be. Facing who you are and what you want to find in life. Nothing less I find, retu...