The Return

 Day five of my return to the Himalayas. The place that made me feel like home for over a month, more than a year ago. I've been thinking about it after the exciting days of New Years with new friends, in great company and even greater experiences. Even In those days I find my heart longing for that calm, that quiet. That independence. That place where I have my own room, my own kitchen, my own little apartment and balcony to make myself a living, every day to my own desires.

Waking up to the sun rising behind the mountains, opening the curtains to a crystal clear blue sky every day and temperatures bringing back feelings of late summer, yet carrying the peace of winter. This time of the year so special, so calming. A time for introspection, looking inside and slow down. A time to just be with yourself and connect. Connect to your inner being, sensing of where you stand in life and where you want to be. Facing who you are and what you want to find in life.

Nothing less I find, returning to the Holy place. Emptiness. Shunyata. The Buddhist's concept, fully reflected in His Holiness' place. PHILosopher it says and I think about him. I miss him a lot. I stare at the letters. The music starts playing, I’m sipping on my cappuccino. Empty Dharamsala all around deserted. The place of his Holiness the Dalai Lama. I take a breath and let it sink in. I look around. Only a few local kids playing cricket and some boys smoking their joints. No visitors. No tourists. No snow, only a quiet winter town with few people disturbing the peace.

What an enchanting experience. How magical having the whole surrounding of the mountains, cafés and shops all to myself as if no one has ever heard of this place. Memories flying back in from the last time I was here. Sitting in the exact same spot, the buzzing life of young people having fun around me, drinking chai at the tea stall, ordering drinks in cafes… now they’re closed, shut down; all is quiet. What a unique condition for a place like India. Question is with all this alone time if I will stand the quiet in my heart and mind for long. I decide to take a hike for the next day. One that I've done before. One that's been raising my spirits from its stunning beauty.

Finally a little excursion to my taste. I start at 9 in the morning, estimating a time of about three hours to get up to the plateau mountain top. I am very much mistaken, as I try a different route this time from the opposite side of the mountain. Indian like it takes me a few tries to find the trail that will lead me up to the sun, getting lost on some others before. Yet no time is lost when I finally see the main one. The ascent is steep, going through the jungle before I get on to the open space, finally walking with the sun, the path becoming more flat. Full of joy, beautiful views start opening up as some young Indians start walking with me. New companionship that is making the hike a little less lonely in all these days cut off from people, abandoning the social side of life.

As we keep going up I get the feeling that I underestimated the way up by far. My legs are getting weaker and weaker with each new hill appearing in front of us that we have to overcome. It seems the last hour is never ending with yet another and another hill rising in front of us, once we've conquered the one before. Each few meters I stop to breathe or get closer to the ground for rest. Nevertheless the views around us are more than rewarding for our physical efforts. When we finally arrive at the top, we're having the well deserved rest, attacking our food as we've all become extremely hungry from the unusually large amount of physical exercise. Our bodies sinking to the ground.

The sun is up bright, we're sitting on the floor with our picnic, the air cold and fresh, the glaciers in front of us, the town behind us, far below where we'd started our journey four hours before. 

When I get up to get a chai to warm my cold body from the inside, a young man sitting in front of us smiles at me, greeting me when I return with the hot drink in my hand. You're from Germany? I smile and stop next to him. I've overheard your conversation before he says. We have a little chat. Immediately I like his warm aura, how he just says hi to me from the far when I go to get my chai. The clouds moving before the sun, making the air even colder, I tell my hiking buddies that I will go down. Some last pictures and I make my way down. Down towards him, who I've only spoken to a few minutes before. Well rested and full of new energy, I start jumping down the rocks like a young deer.

When he sees me reaching, he smiles at me and we start talking again. Gautham. Like Buddha. I laugh. He's slowly going down with his stick. His first hike. Wow so many first hikes. I slow down so we can walk together as we're already lost in conversations I see no advantage of me running down fast as also the sun is still high and I enjoy his company and he enjoys mine. Letting me know about it more than once thanking me for going down slowly for him, and taking him down safely. A new perspective on myself whenever he points out how fit I am, that I seem to be a professional trekker, jumping from rock to rock as if I knew this place like an old inhabitant. It sure feels like that and gives me a beautiful feeling of recognition from his side for who I am and what he sees in me, not afraid of verbalizing it. Not only for the physical aspect but throughout our talks about relationships, life, love and communication. Heartbreak, dreams, life perspectives, where we are coming from and what we want in life. I feel heard and seen by him. I feel at ease and in good company and he seems to feel the same way.

When we finally manage to get down without any broken bones, I excitedly expect the evening for a drink with him, getting to shower and eat a warm meal. From all my excitement about the new encounters and the wonderful challenge overcome, I barely manage to eat half my meal while I talk to my friend. Grabbing the rest of the food I have to get up and down some roads again to buy some drinks. My legs barely managing the elevation to come back when the sun is settling behind the mountains.

I get a message from him asking me out for a drink. I happily agree. An hour later we meet at a bar. It's cold, it's dark and the rocky way down from my homestay seems to become a rather dangerous route to come back to later on that night being drunk and having only semi functioning legs. Yet this doesn't cease my excitement for finally socializing and having a drink with a sympathetic person. The first one after the new year. When I arrive he'd already been waiting for me for ten minutes as it’s usually my job. Switched roles. We go inside, he let's me choose drinks and snacks and we effortlessly dive into conversations once again. I feel at ease. I feel like he gets me, like he can see beyond what's obviously showing. Like his natural curiosity and interest in me is building a foundation for us. A connection on eye level that's creating trust and appreciation for one another. It makes me feel comfortable as I am becoming more  and more drunk and tired with each drink. When it's midnight the bar is closing. No one besides us was there from the beginning as we were freezing our asses off sitting outside. No reason for that. He's getting some beers and a piece of my favorite  cake to take away as we finally get going into the pitch dark night. Four hours have been flying by and I have no understanding of how.

It's time again to conquer the steep rocky way up. I ask him to walk me as I am physically not sure I am able to manage to come up on my own. Still there was no need to ask him as he didn't want our time together to end just yet anyway. Slowly we're crawling up between the rocks, my memories becoming as dark as the night itself, my mind the same weak and wobbly as my body. The freezing cold deep inside our bones, we take not a minute to crawl under the blankets of my bed when we finally reach my homestay. Snuggling up, warming each other, we're getting closer. His words are soft and warm, dedicated to me. My super power is to dedicate the utmost attention to the person I am with he will say later. And he's right. I feel so close to him, I want to crawl into him, lie on him in safety, warming up, holding on to him, feeling appreciated, wanted and cared for. The intimacy unfolding naturally from the respect and appreciation he's been conveying to me throughout the day and night, not ending it at this point either. With each word, making me feel like a queen. Like something special that he's worshipping with each of his cells, giving himself to me with each fiber in his body, making sure I would feel good in each moment.

Your legs should be worshipped. I’m only saying what I feel. Linaconda. I wish I could remember all his words. Your legs deserve to be worshipped and as a religious person, I don’t think I worshipped enough. The devotee gets to feel that way about how much he worshipped. Don’t be skeptical of my words.

Making me laugh and feel joyful throughout our time together, giving me this feeling of receiving the kind of specific honoring that's healing parts of me that were broken by people who didn't manage to hold space, to hold me and my heart. 

Not allowing to miss a minute of our time together he will keep wondering and apologizing for the few hours we fell asleep that he's wanted to spend awake with me, impossible to hold up in our exhaustion that would request us to have the deepest sleep for two days straight in the first place. I want to see you. Your face. Everything of you. I know I can feel you but I also want to see your beauty for as long as I can. Your face. Can I turn on a light? I would have at least loved to stay up the whole night and see your face and adore your embrace. I would have been released from your chokehold of sleep and gotten into your Linaconda-hold. 

It's early morning, I have no words for how destroyed I feel from wearing ourselves out on all levels. He's still on the opposite side, feeling disappointed of having missed a few hours awake with me.

We go outside while the sun is slowly rising behind the mountains. How did you find that place? It's so peaceful. I wanna come here next time and I will let you know. I cannot believe I am already leaving. I wish I could stay with you here for 48 more hours. I'm making ginger honey lemon to warm us from inside for our last minutes together. I can still barely keep my eyes open. I cannot believe I fell asleep. I am so sorry. I can't believe his words. I wish I would have gotten any sort of sleep. Also enjoying to see him fall asleep right under my hands, his face cupped in my palms. He's getting up from his chair, picking me up from mine, carrying me back to bed. You look very tired. I think you should sleep. Shall I close the curtains? I shake my head, tears almost rising up my eyes from his kindness. The kindness that he didn't fail to see in me. Generously sharing his praise for me. Warming me from inside out. You’re gorgeous. Inside and out. Mentioning over and over again the kindness he’s seeing in my eyes as I can see it in his and I wish I have given him at least a tiny part of what he's been given me. One last kiss and he slowly turns to go. 

Drained to my bones but deeply content and happy I spend the day in bed, recovering, yet this one day is not enough for all the emotions having crawled deep into my skin. A day that I will remember just like his company and how he made me feel, reconnecting to myself and my heart. Another day has passed so quickly and the sun is almost about go down again. The surrounding still quiet. A little break from my alone time in the best company I could have wished for refueling my soul. Just like the last time I came with a broken heart. Recovery returning.