Manifestation Sunday
Sitting on the balcony the last night before leaving getting drunk. It came over me like a wave from the back. What a last day. The Universe giving me more of what I may or may not have needed. Today was the day running into him three times. The Story Teller. The one who’s stories I took for what they weren’t. Enough I said. We’re chatting and laughing as if nothing had happened. Yet for me something did happen and I find myself once again finding it hard to take up that space for myself. As it will be done for me only hours later.
I’m running down the mountain roads that I’ve walked so many times the last days, my heavy backpacks one in front, one in the back, for the last time. My friend on the phone, telling her the Story from the last days, earning her compassion like my other loves‘ astonishment and shock in my place when I wasn’t able to express it enough for protecting the peace that wasn’t peace from the start but something very different I will only understand later.
Arriving at the square, I grab a few pastries and more oily street food and find a spot to sit when the most Indian way of traveling starts unfolding just as I’d told only minutes before. In India I say it’s like this. You want something, everything and everyone is manifesting around you for it to happen. Perfect synchronicity. I receive a message from my friend shooting me a contact from his other friend who should bring me down. K number two. Texting him he’s showing up only minutes later in front of me. Oh it’s you. I laugh. I hang up my phone, I cannot believe it. I know this guy and his outfit from three days ago when he was talking to A and his mom at the cafe. What yet is his secret is that I’ve had a coffee at his place as well as it only comes back like a vivid memory from a few days ago minutes later. That one. This place is so small. A friend of a friend of a friend of this friend. Some more minutes pass while I’m eating my ice cream as I see the third one approaching. The third K. From Chandigarh. About last night. We’re going to Bir I said and so did he he said. I start laughing, he comes down, sitting next to me smiling. I thought you’re going tomorrow morning I say. You were right about the busses. They do go today so I packed my things and left. You seem to know better than Indians. I can’t stop laughing about all the incidents. Waiting for my ride, the one who comes with the biggest heart to complete the circle. The Indian triple KKK. And double supreme beings.
When he enters the square he welcomes me with a long warm hug in the middle of the street, the sun shining in our faces. There it is his warmth. The love directly shot towards me that I was missing in A‘s presence at times. His smile radiating his exact words from the night before letting them shine through him. I’m so excited to see you after one year. And all on a sudden so am I. When he wanted to pick me up at my arrival, he couldn’t be there and now that I want to leave that’s all he is. Texting him the day before under the safe space of the flags, he replies right away. We can do that girl of course. That’s so nice. I’ll take you to Bir. And he keeps his word. Not only that. Entering the car he turns on OneMoreKush. This goes right down my system. I cannot stop laughing. This is becoming already one of these magic trips. I start moving my body to the beats. Next stop wine shop. Now it’s clear that this was the plan all along - a party trip. Unexpected and so welcome after these emotional days. My smile indestructible. The sun shining out of my heart and ass. This is it. The reason why I’ve filled my flask with rum this morning. He’s smiling warmly at me. What do you want to drink? Handing me the beer through my window, not afraid of this world. There is only love. No fear. That’s what was missing. The love. Now it comes to me as a clarity after spending only minutes in their presence. Love instead of fear.
Sunday road trip. Yet about to start. And just like that I find a cup of rum in my hand. The most beautiful time of the day in this season kicking in, in synch with the music. Slowly the sun is lowering herself on eye level, making eye contact with us human beings, with me in my little Linaverse blessing me with her warmth and light, the wind blowing through my hair. Very cell of my body tingling from excitement and bliss. The techno music blasting in my ears, pushing through all the shades of the mountains around us while I get more and more tipsy, becoming one with the space. In this place things don’t make sense and they don’t need to because they build connections. This is what I came for.
The music is changing. He’s changing it for me, connecting my favorite mantra singer SIA. He remembers. And it won't remain the only thing he remembers. Every detail about who I am and what I told him the first time we met over a year ago. He cannot stop looking at me smiling.
He’s rushing through the streets, around each rock while I roll cigarettes in piecework. Oh I forgot your soda water he says. My holy soda. I’m laughing. This is India. It’s coming up soon again. Both of their heads turn around in synchronicity, they’re conspiratorially laughing at me. We’re talking when confesses that he came up twice in hope to see me while I was there but he didn't dare to disturb me. Yet he had told A that I was in town. I look at him confused. I cannot believe what I’m hearing. I look at him and ask if he’s for real, knowing him he won’t lie. And all on a sudden everything becomes clear to me and things fall into place, the puzzle pieces are coming together. I understand. I understand how I was blinded by all the fancy words he knows how to use, that the guy I wanted to see in him, believing his words, was not a reality. At the latest when he used me for my heart, he doesn't even consider it to be beneath himself to cheaply excuse his repulsive behavior and then go hide away not speaking to me anymore after humiliating me. All on a sudden I am not sure anymore why I’ve wasted that energy the last days when clearly he didn’t even find it in him after everything to humble himself to apologize in a manner that deserves it, let alone saying bye to me. I was with him in this.
Seeing the look in the boys' faces, I understand, it sinks in. No need for them to express further what I wasn't able to grasp the days before even when my friends mirrored me what kind of anger I should be feeling towards someone who treats women in such a disrespectful manner. Had I put my efforts and energies writing him a vast note before leaving to get him a glimpse of my perspective, did in this moment everything vanish when I feel a clear notion that this would be a waste of energy to convey all this to him, sitting with these two Ks who are creating such a great time for me, putting me back on the ground at the same time making me fly high in the sky.
Things are falling together from so many different angles throughout the day and night that my senses are sheer overloaded. The Universe is so powerful, connecting every tiny atom surrounding us. Going through the notions, singing to the music while he keeps smiling at me through the mirror as if only we knew about our little secret, opening the door for me every time we stop with the car, I feel an energy growing between us that I know he's been sending from the first time he saw me when I wasn't ready to receive it. His warmth and kindness coming back to me, now that I am open to receive them. Slowly we arrive at the place where I lived through the same struggle only weeks earlier, bringing back memories while the paragliders slowly land in the open field in front of us and the sun is setting in the brightest orange color. Impeccable timing, reminding me that this is the place with the most powerful sunsets. Sipping our chais on the roof of the cafe, he's taking my hand to warm it, putting his head on my shoulder.
There it is. This strong intimacy, he's creating from his authenticity. From his honest and frank dedication that he's not stopped to make me feel throughout our time together back then and now. Lina, I've always missed you. I cried the last time I came with you to drop you in Delhi, I have missed you so much every day but I never wanted to disturb you. I know you needed your alone time. I remember everything that you said to me. Every moment we spent together on your balcony. I came up to see you every day for ten days because I knew you needed company. Someone who is there with you. You were broken. Now you're healed. I know you didn't have space for me. I could see it in your face that it wasn't about me that you just needed someone to be there. I will never forget how you were cooking for me. I was so happy about that.
He can't stop looking me in the eyes for all the upcoming night until 5 in the morning. He wants to absorb every minute he has with me after all this time. I did not see any of this coming. I did not ever take him seriously until this day. He looks at me in all his kindness and understanding. You're so different from the last time I saw you. It's so beautiful when you smile. I always want you to be happy like this. Last time you weren't smiling much. I know you didn't take me seriously. You were preoccupied in your head with this other A who has broken you. I am so happy to see you happy. Smiling like this all the time. He's holding my face. Promise me. Promise me to be always happy because I love you. I really love you. I do. I did back then but I know you just thought I am one of these Indian boys like all the other ones who have hurt you so much with their unfaithful words, betraying your heart. I know. I remember everything you've told me. All your pain. I know you. I don't ever wanna hurt you like this. And even if you don't take me seriously. I know what I feel and so I will say it out loud because it is what my heart feels. I love you. I’ve always loved you and I always told you. He knows my pain and all he cares about for me to never break again as all the times before that I’ve become so accustomed to. The focus on my heart, my feelings, my needs to be regarded and respected in each moment together.
We're moving through the night watching the stars, drinking in the car, reuniting with his friend and... a God sent human who with one sentence dissolves all the struggles I've been having setting my boundaries when like the last days someone is putting me in a situation I don't know how to find out of. Do I have the option to say no? I look at him like he’s a magician. Buying me the time that I never knew how to generate. You came from Dharamkot today right? And so he reconnects me to the same tiny place making it his favorite just like mine. Connecting the places and my learnings. My new practice. This. Do I have the option to say no will already be integrated few hours later when in our emotional roller coaster the ups are getting too high and I can't hold the space anymore, overloaded with emotions.
He's sincerely looking at me, in sympathy. Of course you always have the option to say no. I never want you to do anything you don't want Lina. I want to see you happy. Never do anything you don't want. Tears start rolling down his face. Tears of shame and disappointment in himself. Oh no. Oh no Lina I have hurt you. I have hurt you the same. It's breaking my heart seeing him blaming himself so much for so little. For mistakes others have made who weren’t even capable of recognizing them. Now tears also start rolling down my cheeks from his sincerity, his love for me, his tears for me. Now I am crying for him as he is crying for me.
The music still playing, our drunken minds in the clouds from all the emotions which were created within only hours. A parallel world changing the one I lived in before. Arrogant I was. Too blind too see from my cockiness of knowing it all when in my little world from the other side I wouldn't understand what he saw. That he saw. What the intentions. Thinking I could use their culture to my advantage asking him to drive me to Bir. It wasn't that. It wasn't someone doing me a favor. It was his love for me and their love for life making this decision consciously to go on a party, on a trip everyone together, as friends, enjoying life, only these few hours we have together. Enjoying life. For only this simple reason that we seem to have forgotten about. It's not a favor to me. It's a favor to themselves. To all of us making life as happy as we can. It's not about the destination. Of course not. We just want to have a good time. Why does it matter where we are being together? Here, there, seeing something else it's nice. This was never about me. Not about transporting a German woman from one place to another. The intention was to have a good time. It's grounding me. It's grounding me into the earth of this country and how beautifully people understand what life is about, integrating me generously to be part of their wisdom for Happiness.
The way he looks at me like I am the greatest miracle in human form manifesting in front of him, for him. Like I am the Gift of God that he's never dreamed to receive. The way he talks to me cherishing me with every word in the deepest belief of truth is melting my heart. So soft, so real, his candid kindness coming from somewhere far inside. If I ever thought I made myself vulnerable, I would have not put K in the equation, stripping himself naked in front of me every minute he's spending with me. Such a beauty becoming part of my universe while I am completely entangled with the energy of this country, brushing off my arrogance, inhaling the magnificence of this moment, this day, this life. Becoming one with the Universe.
And so I walk around this place to digest the previous night and all its magic. Magic reconnecting me to the landing side when times were harder and smiles came shorter to today were all I do is smiling unbroken and fresh. I walk the places I’ve known before, connect to people I’ve seen before and wonder how hard it would be to let that go again.
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