The Human's Design to Change

The Sun is setting behind the mountains so bright that I can hardly look at it. Just like yesterday he's walking by down my balcony. Today with his mom. 24 Hours have passed since we got into Utopia as so many times before, opening the bottles and living our Designs as humans, encouraging our changes, our growths, our talents and dreams. Creating connection, deeper, closer, different. Change. Throughout the night my satisfaction is growing through his stories, through his support and authentic admiration and motivating support for the things I love to do the most in life making them become magical by matter. A high five for each newly solved equation of life creating our personal happiness, I realize this was the key she told me about for the new year.

Drinks are flowing as usual. Maybe too many this time. Yet my mood is rising especially in the later hours after midnight. When my tiredness has disappeared and my happiness for this evening taken over, I fall into a trance of gratitude, joy, confidence and enthusiasm at the same time. My heart feels fulfilled when I dive deep into the sound clouds of the far mountains reminding my heart of where I belong. What I return to, what the universe has been generously handing me and is handing me in that exact given moment with Bliss.

When I get out of my trance but remain in my overly motivated enthusiasm, I show my company some relieving movements for what had got stuck inside of us for too long. Pouring another drink, the man with the most powerful hair and the magical name is looking at me in confusion, having expected us to leave as time has moved way past the witching hour which apparently has gotten her up only in exactly that moment.

Downing even that last glass before leaving, he's asking me if I wanna join him for another drink. As I feel that this night I would enjoy spending more time together, I follow his invitation to another drink, more of the sounds that make my heart flow but most importantly... Our talks about what's moving us in life from our heart's sufferings to the Fruits of God's Garden that not only enrich the outside world but the bond in our hearts, between us, connecting the worlds. He says something about Twin-energies, our souls. It's the Gemini. It's those things that we have found in common throughout the last days, seeing the world through each others eyes.

Sharing this time together I feel appreciated and understood, yet I can feel heaviness in his heart. Heaviness that I can't put my finger on and that he would also not tell me about. Just right then when I miss the moment, ignoring my feeling of the disconnector, the situation shifts, drops. Changing into the opposite, falling apart like I do. Slipping between my fingers, in front of my eyes, too fast to pause for a second and recognize which energies are shifting when he's offering me to leave his place. The hurt, the disappointment, arising within a split second from all my past breaking points, uncontrollable. These fragile moments that he knew of, that I shared with him in trust, in intimacy only moments before, becoming now his sword he's using against me, making it the same truth with him. Without a warning when almost I was moving into dream land, shaking me up like and earth quake. Like that Earth quake two years ago in God's Garden, throwing me out of bed in disbelief.

I must have been mistaken completely, trusting the wrong person once again, reliving what I had gone through so many countless times before. But him. Why him... That it seemed so out of character, so unexpected and cold, it hits me like a rock on my face. Only... This is exactly what is coming back. The pain from my past, the repetition of my worst nightmares, taking all my existence, my all being, after the illusion falls apart. After the projection is no longer serving. What I came into this world for. What I shared with him, what he shared with me. The open field of projection, breaking me every time. How could he walk down exactly that same path when he knew about that hurt? Again. I made a mistake. To trust. To open up. To make myself visible, vulnerable, weak.

His spirit couldn't be all that reverse now from the wisdom I've seen in him before. Before when he saw me, when he made sure I was ok, when I was sure he cared about my fragile heart because he knew. When in the darkness and freezing cold of the moment in the early winter morning, he makes me leave, all I can do is grab my belongings and run. Run fast. In total disbelief, disappointment and hurt. Going into my safe space. Alone. The night will be short. Sadness is pushing through even stronger when I see his words on my screen, waking up in the cold only few hours later. You have no idea and hope you never do. I have no idea. My fickle heart shattering just a tiny bit more. A goodbye without communication.

Disbelief is not strong enough of a feeling anymore as also is not disappointment. I'm outraged. It feels like I've shifted into another matrix. Luckily telling myself that I've only known him for a few days so it won't be too hard to let go of that connection. Not after everything I've been through, right here before for so many weeks of incurable pain I thought. Yet I healed. As he's already conveyed to me the night before that he cannot fake the many goodbyes anymore. Now this way maybe it won't be necessary anymore and probably for the better for both of us. It feels like the Universe is giving me a push to leave this place. Not to be around him anymore.

I get back to him expressing my sorrow. The confusion and anger he's been causing me opening up wounds. Yet I feel like it cannot be what he's meant to convey to me. When I finally see his response on my screen, his empathy and kindness has returned. Words of apology that I needed to hear so badly, taking over responsibility for his part, for the decisions he made, that had nothing to do with me, yet my reaction sure did. I wasn't responding. I was reacting to what life had taught me. To all the heartbreaking experiences I've gone through. There it was the mirror, that created more hurt than compassion. Not only on my side. That missing clarity from his side of what's inside his heart, scaring me off so much that I had to run before it could hurt me more.

Lying under the blanket covering myself from more heart shaking, as I have throughout the entire day, I feel a mix of disappointment in myself for not having been able to see him in his turmoil. Shame on my side and compassion for him, arising inside of me. Through my own underlying long lived hurt, I've created his, misinterpreting his words and intentions. The fear of being dismissed again crawling up inside of me. This fear for my life, taking away all the love I feel, throwing me into a dark hole. Feeling his confusion of the night before that he couldn't express in ways for me to understand, having created a horror for him. And me. Openly communicating how we feel is what we couldn't do and what broke our necks. 

For the first time in the day I feel the urge to go outside. See the sun before it's gone. I want cappuccino. Chocolate. I can only think of one place I haven't visited yet, craving another book as well. I grab my jacket, put it over my pajamas and get into the outside matrix. After twenty seconds walking down the road I see him. And his mother. Again. Like the day before when they came, crashing into me at the restaurant. I feel the Universe all on my side again as the one thing I wanted was to give him a hug, even if it was the last one. In no way did I want to disturb his alone time. His time to reflect on what has happened. Yet there I am, hugging him, ordering my cappuccino, finding that one book. I tell him that I found something in the kitchen that I want to give him. The Secret ingredient of God's Garden that maybe one day he he will luckily get to experience on his own skin. And if I am lucky, I may be part of it. Grabbing the book that fell into my hands automatically I discover the words exactly that have been flying all around since last night. Here in the mountains, in the clouds, in the winter air flowing together with the last rays of sun for today. The moon is out, he hands me my hair clip, I sip my cappuccino and read the first pages of the book... To him. When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change [...] Our words from the night before. Our Human Design, created for us to find it in our hearts... the Courage to change. Synchronicity has been recovered. The balance of the Universe restored. The sun goes down and so does my sorrow.