Blissball India

 

...the magic flow day bringing an unexpected and unwanted turn to finish off. After a small pit stop at A's house to have a chat, a dance and some laughs, an all too well known old scenario starts unfolding. Sitting on the stairs tying my shoes he tells me that I don't want to leave. An arrogant and largely mistaken interpretation of my words and actions devaluing them. Diminishing my them so far as to nulling them. Apparently taking my expressions as less, meaningless in the conviction that he knows better without knowing me at all. The first violation of my person, my integrity. Patiently I explain to him why I love early nights and the evening company of myself. No need to say it wasn't my responsibility to explain to a stranger why I don't want to spend a night in his bed.

Going home unfortunately - yet becoming the greatest fortune of all in the end - we keep writing. He's calling me mysterious, telling me I have nothing to look for in Rishikesh I should already start teaching all my magic wisdom. I talk about love. Explaining to him once again how it is this unconditional urge of wanting the best for a person. Wanting to see them happy. Acting according to their wishes, needs and well  being. In trust sharing my history, my fragility, my sensitivity asking him if I can feel safe around him being myself. Sharing it all in good old Lina-manner. Only minutes later he reflects directly back to me that he has not understood a word written or spoken coming from me since the moment we had met. Shamelessly he's asking me again if I could come sleep at his place with him when he comes back from the gym when I am already almost sleeping at home.

A wave of sadness and anguish is slowly rolling over me. The same old story. Next thing he will tell me is that he doesn't want to touch me because he is so special and not like the other guys I've met. Oblivious to all the world around him as if he was born yesterday, stuck in his ego. And so it happens. Just reading his words makes me want to lose faith in humanity. The same. All the same. From all the last weeks, months, years. Broken little boys using women for their wants completely in the dark of what they are doing even when you precisely communicate it to them in the same moment. Lost in their superiority of manhood, through the history of generations, inherited from hundreds of years blindfolded for their words and actions, seeing women to be on this planet merely to serve their desires. I cannot even feel disappointment. Almost it becomes boring, dull yet I cannot deny a stinging feeling in my chest for womanhood. And for myself.

The night becomes restless and blank. Waking up too early, everything other than well rested I can neither bring my heavy body or mind to my daily practice, nor can I stay in my dark bed. Slowly I start dressing up and decide to have an early morning walk to the holy river maybe finding a new place to stay for the next month. My favorite cheerleader lifting me up with her words of pride that this time I didn't walk into the trap, didn't get irritated or distracted by an inappropriate request of a boy that I don't even know and set my boundaries straight walking away directly without discussion. This time I was aware. Aware of the ignorance, the lack of reflection and openness to change, grow and face ones own identity. I was able to sense it from the moment we met, just waiting for it to spill in the right moment. An all too well known pattern. The admiration for my thoughts and knowledge coming from ignorance ending in ignorance and a superior degrading behavior towards me.

Collecting my thoughts I walk down to the empty beach in the early sun rising behind the mountain above the river. I have this place all to myself. For the first time I can feel the sacredness of the place through my skin, soaking it in. Taking off my shoes behind the rock in a hidden spot, slowly walking into the cold water, breathing deeply. Some tears roll down my face. The universe is mine just for these few early morning minutes at the quiet beach. Sitting down on a rock on the shore I close my eyes, breathe in the fresh air, feeling the wind blow through my hair. Freedom. Bliss, happiness. Relief. Having let go a toxic connection, making space. Making space right here and now in my thoughts and my heart, attracting the energy that I needed in his place. An energy that was opposing. An energy that is the care and light of joy I deserved.

With babysteps learning to not holding space for men behaving superior in the attempt to teach them, make them see, understand how to treat people, specifically women, providing them the space in the first place to behave as they do. Teaching them only that they get by with their actions, opening the space for them to hurt others yearning to make a blind man see. All these years thinking I am doing humanity a favor by finding understanding in my empathy for where their pain is coming from, yet overlooking that the second part of empathy should be the ability to step away from this particular misbehavior. Being an empathetic person I forgot that it doesn't make me noble to accept their projection of pain on me but that setting boundaries is the path to healing. Making space for love. With compassion for myself and love in my mind I get up to see potential rooms for the time coming.

He is at the Ganga as well he says. We could meet at the cafe. Above the cafe. This is his place. This place with the best view on the river and the best chai. I walk up to his hotel. Showing me his rooms I get a totally different vibe than the usual Indian miscommunication, impatient hard to listen vibes. After only minutes I see myself pouring words over him like a waterfall, topics opening up like someone pulling little boxes out of my mind one by one in speed of light. Having my daily cappuccino at my favorite spot in mind he asks me if he could join. I'm already starting to get into my flow again. I can feel how my smile is returning to my tired face. I nod. I'd be happy. I like his energy. He goes to grab his wallet which is the marking of a whole day together. A day full of joy and connection like I haven't felt it in a very long time. In every detail having answered my prayers to the universe for a caring, thoughtful, attentive, sensitive, open minded, curious person who wants to get to know me for me. As a person. To spend time, to share, to learn, to connect I find myself sitting with the next A, the greatest replacement I could wish for -yet replacement is incorrect and under-whelming- ordering two cappuccinos in no time for me, having me feel two hours passing by in the blink of an eye, seeing myself telling him my deepest feelings about womanhood, my hurt and experiences. About the best places in town and my sleepless night while he’s cherishing my time spending with him.

My world is spinning. Every detail of what I've given into the universe only hours before at the river were sent to me right there minutes later in the shape of this kind human being. This man who comes with nothing but an open heart. Open arms. Which is the first act from my side to put mine around him, seeing that we are on the same page after only minutes. Moving to the cold water, our passion for swimming bringing us our next activity for the day. He pays the coffees, grabs my book that I suggested he could read; in such contrary to ignorant A that I've first suggested it to take a look at the history and suffering of women in the world, he's eager to know more after he's taking his precious attention to listen to me for hours, thanking me for sharing my insights with him to learn about how to keep women safe in this world. How to make us feel protected, heard and seen. I am irritated by all his shining humbleness. His sincerity to make me feel at ease, comfortable. See me happy with every step he takes and every word he says. His politeness whenever he turns elsewhere.

We split for an hour to arrange for the next part of the day. Even then I run into the same situation the fourth day in a row. My cake love. The same guy in the same shop in the same situation. We laugh out loud before I continue my way down to the holy river where later on I will also run into my roomy. Swimming, sun, views and more talks. The talks that just won't end. These talks that I was longing for so much. These talks where I have a person next to me who is asking for my story. For my pain. For my experiences. A person who promises me loyalty. A person who seems to care without knowing much of me, enjoying it just as much as I do. A person who manages to have me share my heartfelt story from my last A in India that kept a knot in my heart for over half a year, pouring it to him without holding back, I feel he's giving me the safe space to feel what I feel. To break open instead of holding tight.

That day that I felt like crawling into my bed, drained and sad turning into colorful bliss. A shiny golden hour from the first to the last one. Each moment precious in itself. Seeing his place with the stunning view over Shiva and Shakti, the Ganga. Sitting by the rocks, drinking chai and lemon soda after our Linner that he blindly ordered for the both of us, managing to find out my favorite foods in no time, making sure I got everything that I'd love the most. From one scooty on to the next. Yet from this one not to fall but to rise.

My amazement and excitement mixed with a pinch of gratitude. No an extra portion of gratitude into the cocktail, topped up with overflowing bliss and a bright smile across my face walking back home, a final ice cream in my hand. A heavy drug cocktail yet we have only arranged for the real ones the next day which makes me even more excited. Sometimes it's hard for me to grasp in which mysterious yet simple ways the universe works. All that I was making space for was coming right at me the moment I did. All as A before said. It seems like as soon as you communicate something to the universe it's coming right to you. Yes this he was right about. Today the Universe was very generous to send me this blessing in human form. When you don't hold tide but let go... From triple K to triple A.