Returning Forward

A return from different worlds. Quiet worlds. The world of nature and mountains. The worlds inside our mind. Returning having moved forward. 12 days of separation since we’ve started our journey together two months before. Flying in to a new country, the country of kindness, compassion, transformative love and meditation. Welcoming us from the first moment with open arms, separating us the same only a few moments later when she walks into silence and I make my journey into the Himalayas.

Two weeks have passed since then. Both on our separate journeys. When she finally calls me the first morning after my returning from the mountains. I was looking forward to this moment so much. I missed sharing things with her. My experiences, my thoughts, my encounters and learnings. My moments of light and struggle. I missed hearing her side. Our sharing. I am so curious her return from the journey inside herself. What she’s faced and who she brought along.

So much excitement in our first exchanges on the phone the same day before I finally take the night bus back to Kathmandu. 

Arriving at 5am, totally destroyed I fall into her arms. On the bed. Our cycles meticulously synchronized. Early mornings, early nights, exploring the days in the brightest hours. 

Attending our first yoga session together after what feels like half a day, it’s only 9 in the morning. And yet in these peaceful morning hours the universe is sending us a piece of gold. A gem. A raw diamond. Maybe not even raw but uniquely brilliant, sparkling like the most valuable crystal under the sun.

At this point I  had no idea what impact he would have on me or my heart when she starts talking to him. Practicing my head stand I only notice on the side how she’s arranging a brunch meeting with him. New people. I’m happy about it. Moments that start with unexpected encounters with the potential to unfold fundamental connections without much prior introduction of who we are or where we are coming from. Unnecessary in this constellation where we’re all coming together at similar points in our journey, sharing our stories, it only takes a few moments for my heart to expand like it hasn’t in some weeks. Maybe since my friend surprised me in Rishikesh, connecting back to me in the morning.

These moments when the universe sends you people who will profoundly shift something inside of you. People who change your perspective on life, on who you are or who you want to be. Like this considerate young man, appearing as an inspiration I needed. A ray of light and hope so bright, so strong, yet so soft and sensitive. Attentive, caring, respectful, insightful, reflective, complex, compassionate, beautiful in every facet of his all being. Open minded, empathetic on a level that only few can achieve. He must have lived through tragedy, knowing such depth, such kindness, patience and compassion he’s radiating all around at each moment in his presence. The love and care he’s carrying, sharing with us like he can read our souls, touching me in my very core. To the root. His grounding humbleness in his brilliance creating a wisdom that’s rare to find in this world; creating a space of safety and joy. A comfort to be whoever you are, as wholesome as you can be, I have barely felt before. My heart becoming soft next to him. At the same time my harshness, my own insecurities, my rigidity to cover up my wounds becoming bright as day to me in his presence. The toughness, the roughness in my being. The sharp edges in my personality crushing me being next to him. Mirroring my deepest insides back to me, places I can hardly ever connect to in the unconsciousness of people. In the sleeping state of mind where I repeatedly throughout all my life I try to reach people’s dream state of mind, waking them up to see, to hear, to feel. Now here someone was sent to me who is opening my eyes. Pure. Yet one of the rarest and  complex masterpieces that nature could have possibly formed. 

Coming around courageous and generous enough to share his story, his fragility and his gifts with us. He makes me lose my vocabulary for all the ways he’s moving my heart, for all the ways he’s making me feel with every moment we spent. The talks while having coffee. The sharing of intimacy. The closeness he’s creating by listening, by holding my hand, by pulling me close to his chest, by kissing my face, by telling me what I need to hear as if he can read my heart effortlessly. Yet not only mine.

Having used the word Angel before it would be a waste on him. Not only is he sent from the heavens but much more from this world, grounded in it and connected to it in the deepest sense I understand. To our nature, to the universe, humanity, to our mind and heart, trying to make this world a more beautiful place. Coming to heal, to bring bliss and happiness with such ease that I feel like my light that I radiate becomes only a grey shadow next to him. Not because he would be taking mine. In no sense he does. He makes me sparkle even brighter and yet. He is the sun. 

Asking me to come for him in the morning to share a practice which would touch me in fragility and help him in expanding his healing, I happily accept his offer, making our last hours together most precious for me. Walking over to him in the morning, I feel the sun rising in my heart, when he’s pulling me into him closely like a long missed friend he’s been waiting to see, enriching his time, sharing his tea with me. Creating an intimacy in a safe space holding me for who I am, offering expansion for my heart to become all it could be in all its fragments. Seeing his smile in the morning makes this day unforgettable like I’m he’s managed to bring his light into many other people’s heart, yet today he chose to share it with me. Us.

No need to explain anything. Not here. He would know. Still I share parts of my story, knowing the only thing he would do is transform parts of it, healing bits and pieces finding the exact right words to say. 

He’s arises an urge for change inside myself, I rarely get to see. A holistic longing for growth, sharing, building and loving kindness. An urge that goes through my bones, my blood, my core that makes me wanna be better, become bigger, more giving and selfless, more loving and caring so much that it scares me as if I wasn’t sure to ever embody what he does. And I won’t. I am not him, yet his humbleness in his wonderful being has grounded me in a way that makes me long for more. Thinking about how his presence made me feel, my heart still inflating, tears running down my face and I don’t know why. Only I know that every time I’m picturing his face, resembling his energy touches me so deeply that something is moving inside of me. 

Like a shooting star he came, out of nowhere only for the blink of an eye to enlighten me in the deepest of my tissues that’s been striking me in ways I haven’t known before. Making every moment spent with him so special that you feel his whole attention and all being creating a bubble of safety and care around you, a parallel universe where all you need is to be with him that when he disappears with the blink of an eye it leaves you in this grey place, a bit darker than it was with him. Because he brought this sparkle of a shooting star, these colors of life like the most radiant rainbow.

It’s been two days while these emotions in my heart left me feel lonely, drained, tired, exhausted. Like this world is so vast and full of potential yet I feel so small even when I feel strong, courageous and grateful for all I am. My longing for the peaceful Himalayas aching me inside. Like I was cut out of my safe space into the noisy real world. Where sometimes I still don’t seem to belong. He in his courageous, trusting manner reflecting back to me all the parts of resistance inside of me. All the parts that are yearning for a world like the one he’s creating around himself that I seem yet to be too scared to face myself. To confront myself with.

I may not find the right expression for everything I feel about rare encounters like this particular one with all the inclusive feelings coming along. Nonetheless whatever term may describe our coming together for what it was it has changed my world. Tiny details of what I want to see in people and what I want for myself. What kind of love I want to receive, who I choose to be close to my heart and what kind of feelings I want to be brought out in me. Sometimes I wish I could conserve the feelings that arise in me through the mirror of others.

The struggles, the fightings, the teachings, the attachments, the harshness and ignorance in my exchange with people I want to disentangle from it… The poison it’s been creating at times, I don’t want to drink anymore. The energy it’s been taking from me for half my life… I don’t want to accept it anymore when I look into his beautiful kind face. No more violence. He represents the kind of communication I have been longing for in people. The peaceful safe interaction we all deserve. He makes me wanna grow and expand, inspiring me to become more than I wanted before. Igniting a subtle fire in me, a sparkle, a light for something bigger. Something more meaningful. For us to grow together in this world. A person to heal. To soothe our pains, dissolve our traumas and transform our beliefs. My breath is changing, my eyes moist for all the glittering shiny beauty of his being. Let alone the gratitude in my heart he left me with to carry along with me back into the future. With her by my side.

The soft kindness of the Tibetans and Nepalis a reflection of his own soul, he stays as we are all returning forward.