The Secret

Don’t kill me tonight I say to him getting on his bike which will fall down on the both of us only seconds later. Now it’s all making sense. The law of attraction doesn’t understand negations. It clearly heard me wanting to get hurt. Life is but a mindset. Whatever is going through my mind the Universe will mirror in the outside.

In a place that’s so high spirited I connect with the grounded ones. The ones who are right here on this earth. It’s all inside of us. It’s all there. People run highly aggravated from one class to the next. Another healing course, a new breath workshop, a once in a lifetime experience, sound bowl healing, reiki, yoga, kundalini chakra opening, energy healing, kirtan, cocoa ceremonies, ecstatic dance, shamanic practices. The offers are sheer endless. Seeing young girls and old women and men craving for the next Mantra chanting to clear out their ghosts and become enlightened seems like a big misunderstanding of spirituality. Of who we are and what we are here for. It’s become a market. A toxic spiri market. A place where we think it’s making our life better when we’re depending on a “spiritual” ritual or practice. Yet only another form of addiction. Finding remedy in the togetherness with likeminded sufferers. The ones most involved are the most dangerous ones I think, they carry the most trauma. I laugh. I agree. I hear the same opinion from the girl on the balcony the next day when the monkey comes stealing the rest of my pie. Likeminded staying away from the madness she’s returning back to my home. That place that brought me transformation in the darkness of my loneliness. It’s coming for her too.

Apparently circles are closing again, yet opening new ones that will be closed. People and scooty upgrade. From one to the next with extra qualities. Yet to discover in how far we will get along. 

Crossing back to the other side of the river, I reach the rocks again, down below his house just shortly after he’s messaged me. He comes down for a swim. Timing. I feel so bad I couldn’t just chill with you. Well that time has come for the evening. 

Changing the same as the day before I run into an old friend and only minutes later see oblivious A on his scooty. Seconds later he passes by me showing me what I’ve made space for. The next white Girl on the back of his bike. I can’t help but burst out into laugh. This is a great Namaskar from the Universe. A big thank you for choosing to let him go. Just as the next Baba is greeting me with a big smile on his face. Like all day long as if I was carrying the sun, the Swamis in orange keep bowing down to me and that red color I’ve been bearing on my forehead since I got to the cafe.

I feel bad for the girl, receiving the direct reward for listening to my gut, honoring my values and setting my boundaries in the right moment, reflecting that it wasn’t about me. You’re perfect is now another white skinned woman. I’m laughing but the sadness of it all having seen and heard the same stories in this country hundreds of times, having had to go through them myself, getting my heart broken into endless little pieces is sad and shameful. Being on the way to my reward that I’ve received, thinking about how he’s told me the exact reason the day before why he never dares to speak to foreigners feeling ashamed of seeing all the Indian guys having nothing better to do than to pick them up; he takes me up to one of his hotel rooms and attentive like the day before he’s ordering dinner for us despite being busy with work. 

The scene of all these Scooties driving through the tiny alleys, an Indian guy driving, a white woman on the back now looks so different to me than it had only some years ago or maybe even only weeks when I had felt some strange sort of jealousy, envy when I saw white women connecting with the locals, maybe having found a nice Indian man showing them around, I can now only feel sympathy or maybe even sorrow or resentment towards the scene. 

Sitting on his balcony enjoying the beautiful sunset view over the Ganga, A is coming rushing out with dinner. Please start already. I’m so sorry I need to check in some guests. I enjoy the Dal with the warm Rotis and feel so much gratitude for this person while whenever he shows up he keeps apologizing for not having enough time for me and that he will make it up to me the next day. And surely this is what he will do.

Running into my homy she’s desperate for a new place. I know where to send her, putting a smile on her face. Life has been good to me. More of all that I need and more than I could ask for.

A three day challenge until the downgrade, bringing yet the next upgrade bringing the decision in the first phase of the relationship. Starting off early in the bright sun rising behind the mountains pushing me to my physical limits, making me rise strong into the day, uplifting me, prepared for any challenge. Much needed. Feeling like a rock that can’t be shaken when I walk out of the class barely able to move at all, ready to conquer whatever this day will hold for me at only 10 am. The Universe’s energy once again feeling strong and supportive when I connect to all this love surrounding me, receiving the gifts from many sides before we meet again. Female energies.

Day three apparently the magical number for the truth to spill, I get confronted with sides of him that make me feel unsafe. Parts of him that he has carefully built for himself to protect his identity. Survival mode. I think the female nourishing aspect is more important than the male protection. I can protect myself but not nourish myself. He's laughing. I don't think it's funny. It confuses me. How could someone say something like this? Judgement and rejection towards different aspects of life, categorizing them in good and evil instead of worshipping and accepting them all the same, using them consciously for the best. For happiness. This is where all the misery starts as it is what he’s integrating in himself. Denying the parts he doesn’t want to see.

Three days where the only meal he gets in his stomach is the one when I come around. We've had this topic before. I challenge his views asking how the nourishing aspect could be of any meaning if I as a woman get raped or killed because no one was protecting me. Ten pages he said he had read. Maybe he should have read more. Piece by piece more comments that carry a flavor of toxic masculinity are making its way through the conversation. Subtle. Or maybe not so subtle. Superiority. Telling him about the beautiful energy surrounding me the last days, people smiling at me and greeting me on the streets, he has nothing better to do than to try to snitch that credit from me making it his achievement. People know him around here. They respect him, not to say fear him. Maybe they had seen me with him and now know that I am friends with this respectable man and that’s why they are greeting me. He's laughing again. Apparently not aware of what he is conveying to me. Everything in my chest is getting tight. I wanna puke. I wish he wouldn't have said such a degrading arrogant thing, wanting to steal and suppress my light line so many before him. I tell him exactly that. This credit goes to myself for being me which is the exact reason I was sitting there with him in the first place. Yet apparently every now and then his feeling of superiority is taking over, having his mind clouded. Protection. From love. Swinging between conveying his appreciation to me like when I was waiting for him in front of his door and he finally manages to say that he can feel very lucky having a beautiful woman like me waiting for him and explaining to him what she felt -which in the core is only a selfish act of wanting to have me around and not get me irritated enough to leave in the end- and making it his greatness that I spend time with him, laughing about all the Indian guys picking up white women from the streets. Once more he's laughing. 

One too many times I hear of his war soldier background and his disorder excusing his unhealthy lifestyle choices. Complete identification. No pushing through to who he really is. The sky identified with the clouds, not understanding that truly he is everything. Divine. That truly he is what he chooses to be. 

No connection at this point as he's layered up stories from the past making him who he is, blocking out all possibilities in the open field of potential to expand and grow into something new, into who he wants to be. Again swinging between one and the other. His sensitivity having changed him so much already, blindfolding him now getting stuck in this version of himself claiming that it is a result of his experiences. A contradiction in itself. Yet it's not time for him to see. Too painful the truth of all that he could be. 

As the night is moving along more of his perspectives give me an uncomfortable feeling to the point where it starts  feeling unsafe. Where I feel I cannot reach him in his Universe to open up gates into different worlds including my own that I cannot protect anymore. A place where empathy can't reach. All the promises how he will always have my back from the first day clearly becoming an illusion. 

I stop talking. I finish my drink. I'm calm. Relieved that I could see these sides of him before I got too deeply involved in this relationship where I couldn't separate his version from reality. Inconsistency and contradictions in his words and actions. Wanting to hug him goodbye I get a beautiful reward from the Universe once again for following my intuition. He looks at me, refuses and says No more niceness. I smile and walk out the door. I wasn't mistaken. His words meaningless in the open space of conflict. No personal connection. No intend to build a bond but rather be confirmed in his identity. Too hard the fall to be confronted with the unbearable pain, with the darkness and hurt that he must have buried deeply to live a better life. I wasn't supposed to touch that. I was supposed to protect myself from the darkness and find light. In the success. 

Going home, I run the mission for my friend, picking up the secret letter, walking into my homy who picks me to walk home with her helping me with my needs. Finally falling into my bed after one too many juicy vodkas, my loveliest of all making me laugh so hard, making me forget about just this one more incident, finding the right words as always, bringing out a deep feeling of gratitude for all these wonderful people in my life who are not afraid of looking into the dark, into the hidden spots. Feeling deeply blessed having all these beautiful, brave, courageous, integer women in my life who manage despite all the disappointments to stand strong and up for their values over and over again and hold space for each other. For us. 

At least he is arrogant enough that he won’t write you again she says. I start laughing. I had the same thought. Exactly like the broken hearts of the two A’s before. And the other ones in Georgia and before that. The broken hearted boys. Lina you’re so wise. I want to learn from you. Please tell me more, you’re so great. Yet in the end my greatness fails against theirs. Nothing personal. Not a person who had sincere interest in a realationship, only in companionship to support their perspective of their unique self, their identity that is in the contrary all the same. The A-Type. It wasn’t even enough for a hug goodbye. To vibrate on the frequency of love, light and success. 

Another chapter has been closed. A chapter that helped me grow some more. A chapter that brought me closer to myself and my intuition clearly speaking to me, letting me know when it's time to go. Directly pushing me into the arms of the people I need to be with. The Secret within the upgrades and downgrades. More power to you 🍀 I receive a message just in that moment. The power of love.