Gopi Hoes
It's the third day I have not been hugged by HiM. Mmmmmmm. It's been a bit too much. The last bit walking in the blistering sun on the open asphalt street up the mountain and back for underestimated three hours. I already feel the exhaustion syndrome. I can barely manage to get back to my house. Meeting of the Core Family. Not for me. I cancel. I'm not needed anyways. I need rest. Waking up the next day I still feel tired. I don't listen enough to rest some more and take my tired body to yoga class.
Broken is what I feel afterwards. Making breakfast I already feel how my exhausted body seems to be unable to process any more intake from the outside. Even in the form of food. No more energy. Unfortunately I don't listen. I think I need to eat before attending the event to support my newly wedded crew. Heavily I drag myself to the venue while I listen to the flattering words of my friend who knows nothing better than to be my biggest cheerleader. Oh my God Lina you look so hot, so fit. You're muscles woman! You motivate me also to do some stretches. Incredible, what a body. So sexy. I smile. The phone in my hand. I guess I've realized my mind and body transforming in this crazy unbelievable world here over the last weeks as well. I laugh while she also suggests not for the first time for me to start a podcast telling my stories since she enjoys listening to them so much. Also not the first or only source I get this feedback from.
Arriving at the venue I am at least happy that I literally have no job to do and neither my lovely soul sister in event nor M want to motivate me to do anything but chill and hang out with them while my physical condition slowly becomes worse. I start running to the toilet and won't stop until I leave five hours later when everyone has finally joined the ceremony. Another typical conversation with one of our homies. Ah Lina I don't want to leave. I feel so good after the conversation with you. And I still feel pretty miserable trying to hold the content of my colon inside my body. Unsuccessful.
Requesting a rest day for myself on Monday it arrives as called. While the rest of the spiritual circle is ecstatically dancing into the New moon and singing their souls out I make my way home, running into my favorite British friend and crawl into my bed where I want to remain for the next day and night. After a semi restorative night I don't feel rested but flat, drained and run down. My circulatory system down. Every time I move I get dizzy like the day before in yoga class. Every time I step foot out of bed the room around me becomes dark and starts spinning, my eyes heavy. Sometimes I see little stars tingling in front of my eyes. My bed very much needed that day. Until...
I step out of bed after relaxing for a little while after waking up. The moment my foot touches ground I feel something is off. It's wet. Water. I'm in shock. I look around in astonishment. Confused. Where is this coming from. I twist and turn. My entire apartment is under water. I open my mouth and search for the source until I open my door. I look at the corridor where my owner is already sweeping the water out the opposite apartment. I look at him and point at my room. I ask him to bring me another tool to get the water out and so I start sweeping the water into my washroom. From under the bed, the fridge and my closet. Under my desk and sink. The stars and blank space in front of my eyes return. My accidental workout for the day squeezing the sweat out of my pores. I feel exhausted again after the mission, at the same time amused by the unexpected cleaning session. I was asking for it from the universe loud and clear. I wanted to clean out all the dirt from the floor but didn't have the necessary cleaning utensils. So there I was with a deeply clean apartment on my sick day. Shiny, sparkly like new as also my L-Twin recognizes when she comes over in the evening.
We're amused about the universe while we're having coffee on the balcony when our lucky charm, the third in our triangle who brought us here in the first place unexpectedly but very welcome calls from the other side of the world. Over an hour we're sharing our lives after a long time apart. A beautiful end of the day that once more leaves me tired and ready for rest.
The next day I will feel a tiny bit more restored yet not fully recovered. At least I was able to put all the things I desired into my body and keep them where they belonged. So no ugly surprises in that matter anymore.
Doing some grocery shopping the sun is already strong in the morning hours. One small surprisingly uplifting and heartfelt chat with my ex neighbor, cheering me up before I return to meet my travel sister. I was sure all this time together where we became so in sync would leave its traces on us as it's being reflected back to us in our favorite bakery how much we seem to look alike. Optically we really don't nevertheless our energies have become so intertwined that everyone can see it. I smile. This is beautiful.
Another dip in the Ganga to wash off the heat, a croissant on the beach and the wish for a hug from healing Master Ji who I haven't hugged a day too many. Hug deprivation. Hug withdrawal. As I know how strong the Universe is working for me in this space it doesn't take long for my request to be answered. Walking back up the tiny alley we already see him coming down on his bike, smiling at us. Thank you Universe I say out loud. For sending him to me to hug him. I can see the skepticism in his face. He may think I'm joking. He's seen my sarcasm before. Not today though. I called him. Holding me in his embrace as usual soaking in his energy I smile, we chat for a moment and agree to catch up for breakfast the next day.
I’m fulfilled. Complete now for the day. My completion only growing with a yoga class according to my taste just enough full power to recharge me with beautiful energy instead of draining me. Replacing my expectation of calling it a day afterwards ready for rest - I feel fully recharged. And because that is by all means not enough, the Universe sends me directly after walking out of class another unexpected fellow friend from another time. Stopping only for a second under the arch I hear my name. Another well trained tattooed Indian smiling at me brightly. The model. The actor. The yogi from when I was seeking healing for my broken heart, looking for refuge in his Ashram, his home. Back then. One and a half years before. Here now smiling his bright smile at me to show is sparkling white teeth.
He's walking towards me opening his muscly arms, wrapping them around me like M did a few hours before. I don't get tired of these warm, deep man hugs. I smile, we catch up for a bit while M number two is walking by as I go to hug him the same. Point proved once more. Nothing is coming as a coincidence or a surprise at this point in this place anymore. Yet I feel the same enthusiasm like the first day we arrived and even more energetic than a few moments before the coalition. What a nice surprise.
Walking back I get the feeling that day is the day for me to finally check out the big Krishna gathering to have my energies met. The crowd. The community my closest has been involved with over all these past days. In this moment I got the energy and the spirit for it. I don't want the encounters to stop just yet and they obviously won't. Arriving at the festival I naturally get into the vibe and feel like dancing and singing. It's much more fun than I expect and I do feel the vibe between all the Krishna enthusiasts. I feel like a child so I persuade my sister to get face paint. With glitter. I'm all in. Only few minutes later my Belgian friend arrives, coming the same enthusiastically to hug and kiss me, also trying to persuade me to come back dance inside. I also enjoy the next two men taking me in for deep frank hugs, coming from the heart. A night to remember.
Processing my emotional outburst from my friend's message a few days before - moving me so much through tears, shattering, trembling, making me cry for minutes- I for the first time talk about it in detail trying to find an explanation stumbling right upon the actual source of my reaction. A knot being untied, a little piece of a trauma being dissolved, a part of a deep wound being soothed, a subconscious ache appeased. A lifelong call finally answered. A newly won friend from six months before, replying to my needs, my wishes, my request, my plead for him to communicate in a different way with me. Not knowing where my request would land. How it would be handled. Only knowing rejection by men, beginning with my father and continuing throughout my entire life; he's changing my story of the little girl who doesn't deserve the attention to be seen and heard. Only knowing the reaction of being refused, told to be too much, not to be difficult or annoying by speaking my heart and feelings, I expect him to ignore me as well, push me away and go his own way from now on. Not have I known him for long enough to anticipate his reaction, yet I know in my heart why I fell in love with him from the moment we met. My all intuition telling me that he's different, not having betrayed me throughout our journey together, has he been nothing but loyal, sensitive, kind, understanding, supportive, appreciative and caring about me as he is now. Breaking a cycle of uncaring men for me, giving me the most precious gift of all. His all-embracing trust, sharing his most fragile self with me. Something inside me coming back to life through his upfront care for me. Love. Fixing a part of my long-broken heart - I feel nothing but gratitude and fulfillment. I'd missed him.
In awe like all these days including today. When I wake up a bit too early to be completely rested once more, yet too energized to stay in, I make my way to M for a stable practice of yogic philosophy before joining together for breakfast. My Belgian friend is attending as well. He seems to be in urge to talk to me today. Unusual. I offer to meet him later that day for an afternoon coffee. Coming together in our usual breakfast spot, my sunshine is already waiting and I am more than ready for food. When our two favorite members of the breakfast family club finally arrive to join, the inner circle is complete. Managing around the events, the core circle is being rearranged. Put Lina in the group again too he demands her and our chitchat once again is becoming a happy time full of innocent and light laughter. Talking his mystical yogi talk I know nothing but to break into laughter. And so is he. I love seeing him in this state after class when I'm done learning his lessons, when he's the strict teacher, listening instead to his beautiful child-like laughter. Looking into his kind eyes and see him smile like a little boy. The comfort and stability around him, making it a pleasure always to share time with him. Balance.
Our common sister looking way more exhausted and drained than me today. Her face is pale, she looks starved and unwell. Tired. I can see where it's coming from. For a moment I'm holding her in my arm and hold her hand as we sit in silence. Not that it shall be a surprise now as we've shared so much of our similar story and friends that my surprise encounter from the day before with my last year model-yogi is also a common connection of the two of us. Telling her about it she's smiling letting me know that she knows him from the same place. Here in our world everyone is connected. After our extensive morning ritual admirable M is sending one more reminder sticking his head out of a shop Don't forget to smile and we do, as we always do. Time to go meet my friend for a coffee to have a conversation that he may has been wanting to have for some days and share some of my last day experiences as well before I call it an early day as I also need time to myself. Afternoon evening home time. Cooking, Dancing, reading, writing, sleeping.
When I leave this bubble I will be in deep shock when I will not be allowed to go outside my house anymore and just embrace every other person I meet on the street. Yet for now it is the most beautiful I could imagine. This is my life. What do you need to cross the eight lane highway? Motivation, clarity, courage, attention and practice. Developing skills to stand stable in life. To find peace. Thank you M(y) Love.
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