The Core Circle

Secret but not so secret. Slowly slowly but not so slowly. That seems to be the theme of my life right now. He's laughing, his beautiful contagious laugh that makes me smile bright like the sun as well. Same place three days later for the third time, different combinations of people, same beautiful uplifting energies. The ones from our Sunday dance ceremony and a new friend who came to me the day before. You must have felt your legs the next day after the dance. Master M says looking at me. He saw me jumping up and down for over an hour. Made me skip yoga the next day I tell him. Just like my outside the circle yoga class the next day would make me take a break and I would earn a judging look from my teacher declaring it non yogic. This is not yoga. I smile. Standing by him. Hugs grow into squeezing competition with the days as our hearts unfold more and more and I feel our community and commitment, our appreciation for each other growing.

My friend from Belgium on one side trying to get to know me in the attempt to ask questions that I haven't been asked for the last years; very much appreciated by me. Wanting to connect more to my new out of the ordinary poker player lawyer friend who took me on his boat the day before, bringing me to the other side as I helped him carrying his bags to his new penthouse, connecting him to our community, ending up here after our first yoga class together; bringing up old stories just like my lovely sister in heartbreak sitting to my other side... Reuniting back together where some weeks ago our mutual friend brought her. That very same day that I found my self ironic Ma Ji for my first class. When we all meet at the Secret not so secret place for the first time building the connection that would outgrow all that we could have thought of before. For our hearts. The same place where today they'll put up yet another ceremony. The place where it all started. As she's wearing his sweater we speak about him. I feel like we're sisters at heart. I tell her that I told him I didn't wanna have contact as we don't manage to build any sustainable communication. She's moved by the topic, soaking us deeply into our relationship, especially mine with K... Creating another story to bond over. Another similarity in our history. She wants to go further about it.

Many doors opened, many channels activated. Like the one to hiM who is becoming closer to my heart each day I am back in this wondrous place. You're not sleeping. You're wonderful he writes just before I'm closing my eyes. We all are. I see myself so much reflected in the way he talks, thinks and acts. No matter if he wants to tell me which rituals would be good for my or when he’s going around singing. If he knew how like minded we are… he wouldn’t even need to mention half of it. All these little happy places I’ve created and integrated into my life over the last years. My rituals. Waking up listening to my affirmations, cleaning my tongue, drinking turmeric, black pepper lemon, pulling oil. The awareness I try to put into every step I make thanks to my fragile joints I had to deal with over all my life, building up my foundation, my structure, in my muscles and bones as in my life. You can only fly freely when you have a stable background, a net that’s holding you when you’re falling. Our flow as he says. I know why I chose him as a teacher and I’m sure he knows how he chooses his students.

I tell him he's my favorite funny yogi as I feel our relationship developing in the little daily details letting our guards down, blowing a kiss here and there, winking at each other or find non verbal communication to connect. He’s playing with my bling bling phone chain, admiring it. Turning my phone upside down watching the glitter moving accordingly in the liquid. Like almost everyone who's touching my phone. He is also not immune to the sparkles of life and for this he keeps growing closer to my heart every day just like in the moment when I see him joyfully putting a fried potato into his mouth. He’s not a robot. He’s not a robot, he’s not hard on himself despite his solid teachings, yet he’s not an imposter either. His CEO on a break, enjoying life. Half the time I will just smile so much as the name implies that my cheeks start hurting. We're the same. All of us.

So there we all are sitting all together with our different topics yet all connecting somewhere in the middle of the universe, showing each other old pictures, going into our relationships, our lives, who we are, making fun, while I take my lessons that I learn from him to turn them on him like an overly motivated student, reflecting it back to him, laughing about it, sharing intimacy, our true selves in a way that doesn't feel heavy. I see myself so much in most that he says like the first time I met him. I have nothing to add as his thoughts were mine before. Talking about not stigmatizing himself as only being a yogi but doing all the things that bring him joy and happiness no matter what others identify with the characteristics of a yogi. I feel this. How half my life people ask me how I can eat ice cream, chocolate cake and smoke, having my sparkling wine after my yoga practice when I again and again find myself asking how people are so narrow minded, with the strong urge to put everything into a box and label it.

Now here I find myself every day again with people needing no labels, needing no explanations, only wanting to live their best possible life. Together. As a community. In connection. In exchange. Sharing. Everything I've been looking for. Touchable, approachable people, coming together on eye level in the attempt to give, no matter the background, differences or identities. Only us being and sharing in our best intentions. Like building the foundation of a house we're creating a safe space. A home. With self discipline. In love. Creating the place we wish to live in. The life we wish to have.

Every day moving by like the clouds across the sky, yet each encounter so special, so out of the ordinary. An ordinary life that I've left so long ago.

 Can I tell you what I saw when I saw you the first time when I brought you to your apartment? I think you were very unlucky in love, you’ve experienced a lot of bad relationships, suffered also in your friendships and with family. You’re seeking something you haven’t found. You cry a lot when you're alone? You're suffering. Questions shooting out of the third M who picked me up the first day with all my baggage like a loaded gun. My baggage is what he's starting to talk about, only opening the whole wide world of my life. Whenever entering one topic that has the potential for hour long conversations, he's already coming around with the next intuition or channeled info he's receiving. A never ending flow like a river running throughout the two hours we spend together.

You'll find your love soon. Very soon. Until the age of 33 it was impossible for you to find love but now it’s coming. You will be a mother, have a girl. I can see you with your family. I've heard it before. I feel it. I trust it.

Saturn is the strictest teacher. Always close to death. Stoking you under water until you cannot breathe anymore and then in the last second pulling your head out. Have you ever tried to kill yourself? I nod. And have I always wondered how many times I would have to go through the same lessons. A hundred times more than anyone else like I was the worst student of the universe, yet I had the strictest teacher who brought me here. To my teach now. In the real world. One that I can speak to. One where I can share what Saturn has taught me so harshly throughout my life. Leaving me scars. With hurt, yet deeply grateful for all that I was able to experience and learn from.

Now I see you clearly. You’re a little girl. A very small one. Like a baby, very young. Fragile. I look at him. Only a few days ago I told her. My twin travel soul how I am again like this new born fragile little baby. Sensitive and whiny. People don't believe you when you tell them right? They see that strong, confident woman that Saturn made you. He's right again. Only the fewest who can look through me, who take the time to look me in the eyes to look behind my smile to see will finally learn the truth about my heart. Like the people slowly slowly gathering around me here.

This indescribable Magic happening every day that's forming our community, becoming bigger and stronger, closer and more open while I get the chance to get to know my teacher better from different angles. I see our similarities so strongly. I see our differences as well. I can laugh with him, reflecting back my thoughts to him about his teachings, about how I see him. Anything. Openly, freely, ironically. We can sing and dance, we have breakfast while he brings more members to the community. Women. Connectors, beautiful souls, heart openers, further on integrating me into his events, his never resting energy that wants to create more. Requiring more support as well. I feel myself changing in front of them, with them. I feel safe, I feel light, I feel happy. I found friends. I found people that make me smile every time we coincidentally cross paths, sitting again for breakfast, finding ourselves in the same cafes or at the Holy Ganga.

Today my two beautiful sparkling soul sisters joining together, after my every day favorite is arriving when I was attempting to read my book. Largely failed as he occurs only a few minutes later with two new beautiful faces, waving me over to their table. Challenging our views on different lifestyles, in joy and respect, I feel how my comfort grows in this space. His space. Their space anyways. How I feel I can express myself however I am. Be me and be respected for it. My love for each one of them is growing the same as our group of five is discussing a women's circle after favorite M has left. I feel clear in my mind and soul. Tingling. Just where I need to be. No idealizing. Purely feeling happy with all the sunshines in each of our faces. Happiness. Pure and clear. True. No matter if it's him coming up the stairs making his smile mine singing his striking voice or the beautiful girls next to me with their soft angel beings.

Heart opening he says. He is right. This is how I've been feeling since my return forward. Each and every day. I take his story, his view with me throughout the day like every day. I share it. More than once. Telling it first to my almost three months closest while holding my cappuccino, we directly run into him. I called him. We're smiling at each other while I'm playing hide and seek like a little girl. Coming back from our Ganga bath the same thing will reoccur when we run into my new Belgian friend at our common little coffee place and I will tell him the same story as I get my second piece of cake. He disagrees. I love him for it and laugh. Again. My laugh is calling hiM out. Yes. M again. One of these days. It's true what they say. The teacher appears when the student is ready. I seem to be more than ready. It's been maybe too many years if sent my wishes into universe until it became so strong that now every has to carry the consequences of the union.

Another hug, another kiss, another laugh and another sip from his coconut golden milk. Life changing he says like this morning. Advertising it. Selling what he's consuming, who he is, what he does, how he lives in the most adorable manner. He's serious, he means it, he lives it, he's true about it. But most importantly... He is laughing about it with the brightest smile across his face. Integrity. Most appreciated. I'm calling him out, he's calling me in. Sharing is caring. And so our different worlds are melting together smoothly.

Each day a new blessing in total synchronicity with what is. Cooking in my beautiful home. Veggies, curries, porridge fruit bowls, ginger honey lemon... my heart is fulfilled. No matter if reading a book, going to practice, studying, meeting friends, having breakfast together or enjoying the purification of the fresh Ganga river, each day is presenting more beautiful opportunities, more encounters that challenge my perspectives, at the same time making me more complete, more blissful, more happy. Grounded, rooted, grateful. I feel I have found a place where I can be. Understood, heard, seen, appreciated, loved, cared for, honored. Lina's little wonderland. Our Little Happy Bubble. The Circle. Growing bigger. Outside into the world where the people I love are so much with me. Where they share their happiness for me with me, I  feel  full. Rich.