Self Love Club

Someone once said regret is a form of perfectionism and I felt that. Sometimes we are forced to make a decision and it’s eating us alive from the inside, suffocating us as if our life depended on it. The heaviness in the chest making it hard to breathe, the dark clouds in our mind blocking our view to find clarity. Having had my perspective strongly focused on this one thing that should transform my life in the time of eclipse, causing more confusion and irritation, I have come to realize that I already have brought my life into balance since the day I arrived here. Greater balance than I’ve managed over the last years, yet working my way here through them. Having integrated all my knowledge, my insights into the best version of myself each day, creating this lifestyle for myself all along. Yet my focus had my vision blurred, the view on myself and where I stand. Until it became clear to me. I already am where I wanted to be. Through self mastery from self discipline, finding back to my self studies. Not for any specific outcome but for learning itself. 

Sitting by the Holy Ganga in the magical early morning hours of sunrise after waking up at 5.30 as usual, bringing back so much peace and magic to me.

Back to Mother Gang few days later. Self Love Club. My sister at  heart is handing me her shirt on the way down to go dipping with my newly arrived friend whereas she is just on her way from doing the same right before we will all join our community event like every Sunday. Of course my bestest doesn’t fail to notice even from thousands of kilometers away. Do you have a new shirt? Even from paradise island she doesn‘t fail to notice every piece of my clothes.

Ecstatic Sunday, my friend from Georgia is arriving after I've last seen him almost four months ago the day I left to India. On time for our event. My self love sister tells me to show at 5pm and so we do. Directly including him into the community, into our doings with his open mind and happy attitude he's already winning over everyone's sympathy within the blink of an eye. Our DJ on the Momo-stand, chitchatting telling me since I am the one being one of the longest part of the team and the most professional one I shall be part of the ceremony. I appreciate him recognizing my doings. Today I feel nothing but love flowing out from everyone towards me. Us. 

Returning to the hotel after our refreshment, I start explaining how the registry works to my helping hand who is like most of the others before to say the least incompetent of doing any of the job, doubling the work. Yet today I am the happy observer as I’ve offered my help truly voluntarily, I can only laugh about it. 

Even M is unexpectedly punctual, giving me a long deep hug, bringing me cash, joking about my well prepared German habit and I think with this I notice a change in his behavior towards me. A tiny little bit of personal interaction instead of his teacher role attitude. His long warm hug shouldn't be the only one today. Not when my sweet sweet friend appears. The one who every time we meet I feel our energies are entangling, merging together, creating some sort of intimacy. Melting into each other with softness as if our embrace could cure hearts. I sit on the swing for a moment, he's softly hugging me again, our cheeks touching, pressing his soft lips on my skin. His sweetness making me feel drawn towards him. 

Another new soul eager to pull me closely into his chest, I feel more than loved and recognized for this night and I know why I came today as a true volunteer, freely and happily, ready to serve not at last when I hug my favorite woman with her beautiful voice good night and she whispers I love you in my ear just when I feel exactly that in my heart in her arms. Telepathy. Club of Self and Sister Love.

When we get our things and go down, I find my little notebook still on the table. M is still there. I come approaching him from the back and sit on the arm of his chair, touching his shoulder, picking up my book. I see the letter for him. Not topical anymore after all that we've already talked and cleared up in between, yet I show him. He takes it with him as I have no idea of what kind of impact this would have as I cannot even remember the contents anymore. Still. It is him so the most like impact would be none. Only I hope it won't shift anything into a strange direction that would create a distance. And apparently it doesn't like I’ve estimated since I receive a message from him in the morning. Want to thank you for your help yesterday. It wouldn't have been the same without you. Shine. I’m surprised by his words, making me feel seen, understood, appreciated and... I am proud of him. If this has anything to do with me, I am more than grateful that maybe I have touched a tiny part of his soul and accomplished some understanding.

My heart is overly full as it has been from the night before. With the shining heart that he invited me to bring into the day, I go with my friend who comes to pick me up to my favorite breakfast place. Our favorite breakfast place. It only being a matter of time that another shiny smile is entering for His breakfast. My only man I say in irony after I finish my monologue about having no focus on men for the time being in Rishikesh as everything I've established for myself around here is so fulfilling that I do not feel any need nor even remote motivation to get into touch with the other sex.

Having ordered his favorite breakfast he's approaching our table, I'm smiling at him, he's grabbing my friend from the back like an old pal he hasn't seen in a long time, grabbing his shoulders, starting to tickle him everywhere, pinching him in the sides of his body. I'm laughing out loud. What a scene of two men giggling away. He's in play mood again. Only he’s stopping when my friends says please, taking his hands off him saying, that's the only word that makes me stop. I'm positively astonished. Seems like Master M was also taken by my friend's happy energy he's radiating at all times. Maybe it's the double happy energy becoming a triple happy energy.

Finishing our pancakes, I blow him a kiss and off we go for a small hot summer hike, walking through the stream up and down the mountain. The only way to freshen up in this heat these days. Water. A dip in the pool, a hike up through the cool mountain stream, climbing over the rocks, a cold ice coffee and a shower at my place. A summer day all to my taste. From one water to another. 

Testing my sexual energy, I once more recognize that it's not for me at the moment. I don't feel physical need to get close to anyone for any particular reason. I feel love. I feel love and friendship and support and care. That’s what I feel and what fulfills me these days. 

I start studying the chakras and see myself in the evolvement. I see myself evolving. Throughout the last years, months, weeks and now. I am becoming someone new, another self. Myself. A higher version. A version with different values. A version with different focus and higher standards. A version enjoys so many features of herself and wants to give so much of herself to others. To the ones she loves.

Well this was pleasant again I think to myself when I turn the key in my door, entering my apartment after hopping off our DJ's bike. Lina come on Sunday, maybe even only come to enjoy, you don't have to work. You could serve the cacao, be in the middle, join the circle, it would be nice. Thank you so much really for all your help at the registry. You know where I live? Come by one of these days, have some chai or coffee together. 

We're nibbling the fresh pulp from the mango peal. I like that. The third one today. We met them all our homies from the community team. Opening their arms again for their warm hugs. Energy flowing again, the connection growing after all my time here. The stories entangling once more, coming together. Another day of practice, cooking, studying, friendship, insights, cooling pool, cake and Ganga.

Waking up a bit past 6 still somewhat tired this time having a bit of a hard time to fall asleep again, I realize I won't make it to 7am yoga. When I check my messages, I see that my teacher has canceled 7 am, offering me any other class instead. And so as I always do I follow the Universe's generous offer and go at 8am. 

I am alone. Private class. I know what that means with him. This highly motivated sweet man who now knows my physical practice for almost three months. Ready to work out. Nice. So you are alone so we can have a strong practice. What do you want to do? Ashtanga Hatha? I already know what's coming. And to make it even more enjoyable he won't charge me because he is taking responsibility for his cancelation of the 7am class. The class is challenging me. He knows how to push me into more and more challenging asanas, deeper into the stretch, further into the joints, pulling me up into the handstand, making me jump back and forward. Today you work hard he laughs. Yes this is what I expected and it's an absolute perfect start into the day. Yet I can already tell my legs are tired and a stinging pain in the right side of my back are calling for rest. Maybe one of the twists was knotting one of my nerves in the end. I want to cook and study. My friend asks me what we will do. I know I am not responsible for his entertainment yet I feel like I should somehow at least spend some time with him those days that he's here. I tell him that later I will maybe go to the pool. 

After some hours to myself that I enjoy to connect and study, listening to my friends, he's asking for the pool, picking me up a few minutes later. Passing by the café, he's waving at someone. I look at him irritated. I ask him how do you know someone? Oh no I don't, I guess she was waving at you. So I just waved back. I look inside and smile. I enter. I haven't seen her around for some time. After some chat about what we've been up to, we return to the most popular topic all around - M. She tells me a similar story of how he had treated her two weeks before like my other sisters. Only she didn't defend herself also not knowing him well enough. I share parts of my story and confrontation with him. She looks at me understanding and I am grateful to myself that I have taken that step for all the stories I've heard from my beloved, for myself and for him. I am proud of myself and the action I took. The relationship I have formed with myself and therefore with others. Another reminder for having made the right decision. Clarity and Gratitude. Confidence and willpower.

I feel the appreciation for my person once again moving through the day throughout the places. From India to Europe and to the other side of the world, receiving messages from my sisters at heart, expressing their gratitude for my being, sharing their hardships and worries with me. Their doubts and concerns about their life situations and the future. In trust. Touching me every time anew. Their open hearts and appreciation particularly for my person, making the light radiate through my heart, shining bright. We are not alone as long as we don't stay quiet. Self Love Club.